Out of the Hole

I think I have finally managed to climb my way out of the dark hole of hell...also known as depression. What an awful experience! I didn't think I was going to make it out! But, here I am again!

I was able to go home to SLC, Utah to attend the Susan G. Koman Survivor's Luncheon with my Mom. It was awesome and very emotional for me. It was inspiring to meet all sorts of woman, from every walk of life who have fought this ugly, wicked disease...and are winning. They had all the survivor's stand up by time. They had all the newly diagnosed to one year stand up. So I stood, and the flood gates opened! I bawled through the entire ceremony. It was touching to get to the end and have a woman stand that was 42 years out. It is something I needed to see to feel like I could keep fighting and move on with my life. It was a cool experience.

A lady named Elise West who is a concert pianist and singer performed a song called "A Love that Knows No End". After she came up to me and said "I saw you at the survivor's ceremony and you touched my heart. I want you to have my these". She handed me three of her CDs. They are absolutely beautiful! I was touched at her generosity. People are good.

We are planning to "Race for the Cure" next weekend in SLC. I was surprised at how many people are doing this for me and the cause! I am touched. I almost didn't do it. But, I am...even if I have to crawl it!

Thank you to all of you who have offered your love and support through out this long difficult journey...I have needed you!

I have my three month check-up with my Oncologist tomorrow. I think I will finally agree to have the scan done. I haven't been emotionally ready to get "results"...but it's time. Wish me luck and a negative result!!

Ready to Write

Here I am ready to write a little. I have taken a hiatus this past month, unable to deal with a whole lot due to the mounting stress and other life factors that aren't in my favor these days. I tell you...when it rains, it pours!

I am still clawing my way up the dark pit of depression I find myself in. I'm not gaining much ground and wonder if I will ever get out. I have been working with a counselor concerning the depression and grief issues. I am constantly amazed how easily I cry and the despair and fear bubble right to the surface. Last week I actually locked myself in the bathroom and cried from the bottom of my guts. I feel hopeless and trapped.

As far as the cancer thing is concerned I am still "pretending" it's all-good. I don't have the strength to do more tests right now. I have decided to hold off on more surgery (mastectomies) and wait until the left breast can actually be reconstructed. I haven't sought out any more opinions. I have talked more with my oncologist and met with several women who have had mastectomies or scheduled to have one. I just can't bear the thought of more surgery and recovery right now...I just can't.

We did file suit for medical malpractice. When I was having the second biopsy performed, the tech said to the doctor something about the 2:00 position being prepped. Brent and I looked at each other and asked them about that. They explained the breast is marked like a clock and they would be doing the biopsy at the 2:00 position at the end of my original tumor bed. The medical records from the stupid nurse practitioner stated my original tumor (the bee bee sized one I first went in for) was located at 10:00 not 2:00. It was most definitely located at 2:00. She had written it down wrong, making it on the other side (the opposite) of my breast. No wonder the insurance malpractice experts said that couldn't have been the same lump that grew into my 10 cm tumor. I was so frustrated and upset. Now it will be my word against her bogus medical records. Just goes to show what incompetence I was dealing with.

I had lunch this week with a woman who has the BRCA1 gene and had bilateral mastectomies. I appreciated her honesty and willingness to talk to me about her battle with cancer (twice). It felt good to talk with someone who had lived out some of the same things I am facing. I still don't feel any closer to knowing what to do. As stupid and maybe as foolish as it sounds, I feel like I need to hold back a while and wait. I am still weighing things out.

I feel like I have lost my sense of humor. I have so much more to write...but I will have to continue later! Happy Easter!

Height Chart

Yet another reason for a mastectomy...

I have so much to write, but I just can't get myself to do it. This depression is eating me alive. It is a cancer of it's own. I am still trying to decide what to do about mastectomies.

I promise to write more later!

Results

I haven't written for a while... I just couldn't get myself to do it. I think I have officially crossed over to the dark side, as Yoda would say. I guess that sounds a little well...dark. Truth is, I have been struggling with the deepest, darkest depression I have faced yet. I have spiraled to a new all time low.

This weekend was awful. I think I had what some would coin a "nervous breakdown". I couldn't stop crying or cope with anything. My Mom (bless her heart) came up for the week to help with the girls and give me a break. Waiting for the biopsy results and then deciding what to do was far too much for me this time around. It was far too reminiscent of a year ago. I still haven't decided what to do.

As for the biopsy results, they were negative. They showed scar tissue and connective tissue...which I guess is basically scar tissue. There were no malignancy cells found, in fact, there was no breast tissue in the sampling what so ever. I was relieved...but then again, the first biopsy I had showed no malignancy and I was full of cancer.

I talked explicitly with my oncologist about what to do. He explained several options. We could watch it closely for growth or change with mammogram, etc. I could get a PET scan, which is a metabolic test, which lights up tumors in the body. However, it can also light up infection, inflammation, etc, and could show a false negative because I just had a 6-stick needle biopsy. Or they could do a MRI of the breast and look for a mass that way. Thing is, we already know there is a mass there, we just don't know if it's wise to trust the biopsy given my history of "misdiagnosis".

I am good friends with my doctor and his wife and I flat out asked him what he would recommend if it were his wife. He showed great difficulty answering, but said he would recommend a total mastectomy. I guess I was kind of floored by that response. Floored, but find of relieved. I don't have a problem with a mastectomy because of the great reconstruction they can do. The problem I worry about is the PAIN! I am still in pain from the lymph dissection and lumpectomy, not to mention the radiation...I worry about recovery. I just want to be recovered. I still fell like I haven't totally recovered from this whole damn thing and I don't want another setback. I know...real reasonable of me.

I CAN'T go through this "drama" and fear the rest of my life. My mental health can't handle it. Do I take a chance and watch it? Do I chance that it is cancer and letting it stay and grow in my body for months? The kind of cancer I had was very aggressive and do I take the chance of it metastasizing somewhere else in my body? Is a boob really worth that chance? Do I go through all the tests (which are also VERY expensive) and agonize over the results? Do I get a PET scan? If it comes out negative...fantastic. If it lights up just a little then we are obligated to figure out why. Do I get a total mastectomy and reconstruction? And if I get a mastectomy...do I do a double because they reconstruct them to look the same. So if I get surgery on the other side wouldn't it make sense to just get that one cleared out as well? Frankly, surgery makes the very most sense, but I just don't want to go through it and I don't want to deal with it. I just want to pretend I am just fine and move on. I am sick of cancer. I am sick of worrying about cancer. I am sick of freak'n CANCER! SICK, SICK, SICK!!! UGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I can't handle this!

So there you go...in a nutshell. "Nut" being the key word here! And to those of you who have leant much love and support through cards,emails, and chocolate...thank you so very much. Your thoughtfulness has meant the world.

What a Day...

What a day. I went in to see Dr. Shull my oncologist this morning for a check-up. I had found another lump in the same breast I had cancer in before. So in I went. You know, there's a thin line out there between being concerned and vigilant about your health and becoming a hypochondriac. Hopefully I will find the middle. Dr. Shull did a breast exam and he said there is definitely a lump there. It was difficult to differentiate whether it was scar tissue or a new tumor growing. I hadn't felt it before and it started worrying me the last several weeks. I was just paranoid and didn't want to "deal" with it! Stupid I know. There are a lot of mixed emotions involved in this cancer crap.

Anyway, he told me what I didn't want to hear...and that was to get an ultrasound and a biopsy if the radiologist felt it was warranted. So off we went to the Imaging Center. Just plug'n away at that deductible! We filled the doctor and tech there out on what had happened the first go-round with the false negative biopsy and the whole "oh it can't be cancer"...oh just kidding it's stage three killer cancer". They were very concerned and did what I thought was a very thorough job with both the ultrasound and the 6 stick biopsy (which is freak'n tender tonight).

We were able to ask a lot of questions and our concerns were addressed. He explained cancer can grow around the scar tissue in a linear fashion concealing it's self since generally cancer grows in lumps or round like masses. He was concerned about that being a possibility. The lump/hardening is right above the top part of my breast scar. Hopefully it's all scar tissue and they will just have to watch it extra carefully for any change or growth. It was just all too reminiscent of this time last year. I started feeling the same. My breast starting hurting. I started feeling fatigue, and I was in the hospital getting these tests done. It was a dejavu I hated experiencing.

Anyway, I have so much more to write about, but it's midnight and I have got to go to be three hours ago! I'll write tomorrow.

Here's How It Really Is

I received a lot of feedback from my last post. Thank you for your concern. Many have responded to me about not having to "put on a happy face" all the time. Let me assure you that is not the case. This whole thing has sucked, sucked, sucked. I am scared to death and I worry daily about getting cancer back and it taking over my body. In fact, I found another lump and I am going to the oncologist
Thursday. I am terrified. I cried the entire day yesterday and coped out and went to bed when my husband came home. I just couldn't cope anymore.

My husband spoke with the claims adjuster with the malpractice insurance yesterday and they aren't willing to settle this out of court. I was so angry. So very, very angry. We have hired two top attorneys in our area who specialize in medical malpractice who agreed a month ago to take our case given they won't settle. They believe we have a strong case...which we do. The insurance company stated they don't believe the first lump I found (and sought care for) and the tumor were of the same. Can you freaking believe that! It was in the same place, same quadrant of the breast. EVEN if it wasn't (which it WAS)...follow up treatment which is standard of care, and a mammogram would have found the aggressively growing tumor. What a slap in the face.

What makes me so angry is the fact that when I kept going to the doctors saying something was wrong and they wouldn't listen to me...I felt crazy. They even referred me to a psychiatrist for the "depression"...which was fatigue, idiots! So when they called yesterday and said that same thing, I was so overwhelmingly angry...it made me feel "unheard" and "unvalidated" all over again. I was told to go home and run my sore breast (full of stage three breast cancer) under hot water incase it was mastitis. Mastitis my ass...I hadn't nursed in over a freaking year! Had I not gone to another doctor…I would be DYING or already gone.

I am not sure how to deal with all this anger and grief. I am doing everything I know how, everything I teach everyone else as a mental health worker. But, when it's yourself it's different. I know I just have to deal with this and go through it, but it's painful. Emotions are painful.

I will write more about my appointment with my oncologist on Thursday. I've been afraid people will think I am just being a paranoid hypochondriac. I decided I don't care. I can't worry everyday that this lump is nothing, especially when the symptoms feel the same as the first go around. I also worry about the money and having to pay yet more medical bills. My husband put it in perspective that my life is more important than money...and I need to address my health. I still worry about the money, but I will go, even if I have to get yet another $2,000 cat scan.

I feel so hopeless right now. I feel alone. The ironic part of all of this is how hopeless I feel and yet how terrified I feel of having cancer again. My children are really the ones who are getting the shaft. They don't get a "whole" Mom. I do the best I can, but I feel limited and preoccupied. That makes me so sad.... because I love them so very much. Brent too. He is a great husband, so caring and loving. For that I am incredibly lucky.

Hopeless

Tonight I am feeling so hopeless. I have been in a dark hole for over a month now and I can't seem to climb out of it. I feel like I am scratching at the sides and keep slipping down further and further.

I am worrying about dying from this damn cancer. My husband has been working on my case regarding the "failure to diagnose" against the women's clinic. He told me after MUCH prodding the actual statistics of reoccurrence I can expect due to "their" failure to treat when I first went in, compared to what it is now. IF they would have treated me when I first went in there was roughly a 12% chance of a reoccurrence. Now it is 47%. 47%. 47%. A Freak'n 47% chance I will have to go through that hell all over again. A 47% chance it will get me next time. That really scares me. Had I realized this, I may have strongly reconsidered having the double mastectomy regardless.

I feel like giving up. I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Why be healthy? Why do everything I can...there is almost a 50% chance it will just come back and consume my body. Glass half empty huh. I just don't have the energy to be positive and fight. Everyone tells me to "be positive", "keep fighting", "it will be alright"...I know it's all meant well...but, as the wise words of a fifty's song once said..."it's my party and I can cry if I want to".

I know this is morbid and dark but I love the song by "Three Doors Down", Here With Out You Baby. And should I meet an early demise I want my husband to sing it at my funeral.

Here With Out You Baby
Three Doors Down

A Hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lives have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same.
But all the miles that separate
Disappeared now when I’m dream’n of your face.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me.

The miles just keep roll’n
As the people lead their way to say hello.
I’ve heard this life is overrated,
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

Everything I know, and everywhere I go.
It gets hard, but it won’t take away my love.
And when the last one falls.
When it’s all said and done.
It’s get hard!
But, it won’t take away my love.

I’m here without you baby,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

And the Oscar for Leading Actress in a Dramatic Series goes to Dana Hyer Whiting in "Crazy with Cancer". Applause...........eye roll

Neuropathy Nuisance and The Senate

Man, I just have to complain a little about this darn neuropathy in my arms and hands. It has REALLY been bothering me the past few weeks. My hands get stabbing pains, fall asleep easily (pins and needles), and I can't grasp things very well. This weekend I went to Boise with a girlfriend. I ordered a steak at dinner and I had the most difficult time cutting it. My friend kept asking me if I needed her to cut it for me...I did, but I was too stubborn to let her. It was really frustrating and frankly...embarassing. My oncologist tells me the neuropathy can be permanent which feels so disheartening. So far, I swear it has gotten worse. I have difficulty with my feet as well. They cramp very easily if I move my toes. Talk about Charlie-horse city. They also get the pins and needles and hurt. They feel weird in my shoes. Hard to explain. Anyway, I feel a little better getting that out. :)

This weekend I mentioned I went to Boise. We went to testify to the Idaho Senate Committee in hopes of getting the statute of limitations abolished on childhood sexual abuse. My girlfriend is a victim of abuse and has gotten involved in this legislation. I was very proud of all the work she has done in hopes of getting this law changed. I had never been to a Senate Committee hearing. It was very interesting and I felt proud to be there. There were so many people there in favor of passing the bill (and no one in opposition), that they only had one man testify. The Committee voted unanimously in favor! We didn't end up having to testify even though we were ready to go. My speech was from my perspective as a Mental Health Worker and witnessing the effects of abuse my clients have experienced. The effects are devastating and long lasting. By abolishing the statues, victims will be able to report when they are READY!!

Life has been so busy lately. I have continued to feel incredibly tired and worn out. I am not taking care of myself like I need to. I feel great guilt about that and struggle daily with doing the things I need to in order to achieve optimum health. Yes, this includes losing the weight I swore I would get off. I am stuck on the scale and have done nothing to continue on my road of weight loss. One would think CANCER would propel me to GET IN GEAR. Yet, it is so difficult and the poor habits I have developed in this lifetime continue to have their choke hold on me. I feel weak in this battle...Fighting cancer had little choices...fight or die. Eating right and exercising is a daily series of choices... and I continue to make poor ones.

Tonight, I will pray for the strength to move forward, to be better, to overcome.

Cancer Alliance

I have been so busy these days...I don't have time for a stink'n head cold. I have been dying all weekend, but I didn't exactly take care of myself. Now I'm paying for it.

Friday night a bunch of ladies I work with got together and did an all night scrapbook party. It was very theraputic to say the least. There's nothing like a bunch of friends talking about all the things that are stressing us out and laughing about it. Problem is I didn't get home until 5 am. Then I had a breakfast appointment to go over stuff for the Cancer Alliance at 8 am. Then I had family coming up for the weekend for my nephews missionary homecoming. Then to top it of I think I am getting a sinus infection and earache. Regaurdless, I had a great weekend. But, I really need to sleep.

We are really starting to pull some things to gether for the Cancer Alliance. It's exciting and hopefully it will be helpful to cancer patients. So if you of someone you know have ideas we can incorperate...please let me know! I would LOVE to hear from you! What things were really helpful while you or a loved one was in treatment. What things could be inproved or added to treatment? We are looking for ways to ease patient burdens and educate clients on their particular cancer.

I live in Idaho and there is a problem getting people from the rural areas the treatment they need. We want to advocate for the patients and provide them with information in the communities they are in.

Anyway, I am exhaused...off to be I go. I enjoy hearing from those of you out there who are going on this journey. If you have questions, I will answer them as honestly as I can. That reminds me after I had my first baby and nobody warned me acurately what it would REALLY be like to give birth. I was mad at every women I knew who could have filled me in...and didn't tell me the truth. I wouldn't want to scare anyone, but I feel like if you are armed with the truth...you can make better informed decisions!

Good-night!

More Mammograms for Me

Well it's official...I am 33 years old. Times flies. I had a good birthday, a lot to celebrate. For one, being a live. I got my baseline mammogram done the day after my birthday. I figured it would help me remember when I needed to get one if I planned it on my b-day. Not like I really need reminding on this one.

When I went to got the mammogram, I wasn't thinking about getting the results. Usually I get my self psyched up to get test results, be it good or bad. I didn't stop to think I could actually get a bad result on the scan. When the tech said "I'll be right back, I need to let the radiologist read these". My stomach dropped. I didn't think about it. I started to freak a little and had to calm myself down. Thank heavens the results where CLEAR!! No problems detected. They said the scar tissue looked good and I was healing well. I felt such relief, such peace and calm.

I wish I felt like myself. I am still struggling to get back to status quo. My body doesn't feel right. I have felt weak and wobbly this week. My neuropathy from the Taxol is really bothering me and my hands feel weak and achy. Maybe it's worse from the cold. I'm not sure what to think. I still get tired and get worn down easily. I am not feeling very optimistic these days. I feel ornery and want to be left alone. I wish some days I could crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel more reclusive now than I did going through treatment. I want my life back. I want to feel normal, healthy, energetic...

My thoughts have been preoccupied with the case we filed with the women's center's malpractice insurance. They are in the process of gathering my medical records. I have several of my providers call to confirm that I do want my records released. I was impressed they are following HIPPA guidelines so closely. I want my family to be taken care of does something happen to me in the future. As a cancer survivor, "those" thoughts are always there. Thoughts of the future...will I be here? Will my family be okay?

Speak Up, Be Heard

Thursday was one of my last treatment check-ups with my radiation oncologist. Of course I have to go back to my regular oncologist every three months for two years. However, this was my last "re-check" after treatment from all of my cancer team doctors! My doc said things looked good and didn't see anything unusual! I really didn't have a lot of questions because I had just met with my surgeon. I did talk to him about the stabbing pain I was having in my breast. He told me that was very typical in about 10% of BC survivors and could last for up to a year. I was concerned because it was the same pain I had when my tumor was growing. He did reassure me I would be watched very closely and I needed to note anything unusual and be aware of any changes.

If there is one message I could get out there...it would "to be your own best advocate"! Doctors have amazing technology...thank goodness. However, we depend on them to take care of us. And they depend on us to let them know what's going on. A lot of the time we expect them to "know" and to "treat"...and they don't without our prompting! If you feel something is wrong...don't just "shut up" because they say nothing is there...speak up, be heard!

I am slowly gaining momentum. I still feel tired and run down, but my energy increases daily. I still get run down quickly and I still feel weak. Today, I feel like I might be getting the flu. I have stabbing pain in my extremities, like I did when I was on Taxol. It freaks me out and it hurts! I don't know if it's a side effect from the chemo that I will have forever or what!

My husband said yesterday "isn't it weird to think you have an oncologist". I had to agree on the weirdness factor. All this seems like a dream sometimes, that is until I look in the mirror and my short, crazy hair! I wonder if I'll ever get back to "normal"...especially my brain and my cognition. I joke with my oncologist about it. He says it wasn't there to begin with (I really can't argue too much on that one)...but my brain power has definitly decreased.

Anyway, today I had a milestone happen. We put our baby, who is two and a half in a big girl bed and put the crib away! She was so excited and proud of herself. It's nice to move forward, but it kinda tugged at my heart strings. My baby is growing up. I don't know that we'll have more...or that we can have more. Or that I can handle one more! I just checked on her and she is snug as a bug...what an angel!

Well, I suppose there is much more I could write about, but as usual I am exhaused! I will write more soon. I have received some feedback and emails from people who live here in Idaho Falls who are having problems with BC or other cancer issues and are wondering about doctors, etc. I would love to talk to anyone who is going through this "journey". I am
here and you are not alone!

My curly hair is back

I am here...mostly in body...my mind is elsewhere! I have been busy and struggling to get my butt back into shape these days! I haven't made it to the gym today because my little one is sick with the croup. I plan to go tonight after my hubby gets home. I may not workout very long or hard...but I am working out!!

A friend of mine and I decided to email each other our food and exercise journals everyday. It really has made a difference on my food choices knowing someone else is going to analyze them. It has motivated me to get back on the wagon and move to the back! It really helps to have a "diet buddy".

Another dear friend of mine who has lost a lot of weight has really motivated me to keep my eye on the goal. She says she feels better than she has in years! I just need to remind myself to focus on the future outcome. It's frustrating when you don't see a change in the scale, even when I feel better and my clothes fit better! I have to remind myself it took years to put this "fat suit" on...it's going to take a while to take it off.

On another topic...my hair is getting so "long", I need a HAIRCUT!!! It is starting to curl and is sticking out all over the place. It needs some serious help! But, let me tell you, I am glad to have HAIR! I'm just not so sure what to do with it!

I am finally feeling well enough this past week I am starting to tackle some projects around the house I have ignored, oh, the past 9 months. I have felt so miserable and tired through all this cancer business. When we feel good we take that for granted. I will never take health and energy for granted again! When I have energy I feel like a million bucks! Now I wish I could focus my mushy mind!

The Final Countdown

Today I went to my final check-up with my fabulous surgeon Dr. Judy Jones. She is fantastic. She did a breast exam (really who hasn't in this little town) and didn't find anything suspicious!! She wanted me to go
ahead and schedule a baseline mammogram next month after the swelling had gone down from the radiation. The baseline mammogram is so the doctors can monitor for any changes in the breast to watch for a reoccurrence. I was glad to hear that. I am the type of person that wants to follow my healthcare very vigilantly. It actually helps me to relax to have the tests done and know there aren't any tumors lurking out there.

Dr. Jones' recommendations today were to continue to lose the weight and she was adamant I exercise 3-4 a week aerobically. She wants me to start off easy with walking for 20 minutes and slowly working up to a full workout. That I can do. I just read an article tonight-about exercise and its effects on women's health that have had breast cancer. It was a motivating article. She also recommended an antioxidant called Selenium with my daily vitamins and an Aspirin everyday as part of my medication regiment.

I felt very motivated to take better care of my body when I left her office. I felt I could follow her recommendations and take care of my health and myself. She really is a fantastic surgeon. If it weren't for her persistence, I may not be here!

Another thing I wanted to write about was this past weekend my stepdaughter who goes to school in Rigby had her school principal die from breast cancer. She was staying with us this weekend and her stepsister called to tell Faith the news. I was looking at the caller ID and asked Faith why her sister had called her. She said, "Because Mrs. Powell died yesterday". I felt sick. Mrs. Powell went through treatment last year for Breast CA and was doing very well. She was there for back to school night in September and had hair. Apparently it came back and she went down hill quickly. My heart goes out to her family and her students who loved her. I asked Faith if it scared her. She said yes and I told her it scared me to. I wish I could have told her not to worry and everything would be okay, but I couldn't...I just couldn't. I was scared to death.

I went in my bedroom and locked the door and bawled. Brent, who wasn't home at the time came home and asked me what was wrong. I told him I knew about Mrs. Powell and expressed my terror that, that could happen to me too. I had him give me a blessing of comfort. It's scary.

I made him talk to Faith about it and process some of those feelings with her. I just knew she needed to talk about it, but I couldn't do it. Brent is a good dad! Faith's mom is also a social worker and I hope they can talk more about it. Her mom has been very supportive through all of this...which had makes my relationship with Faith a lot easier. Infact, a few months ago, her Mom did a fundraiser for me to help us with medical bills and Christmas. Pretty amazing huh!

Anyway, I am tired as sin tonight...so off to bed I go

Demand Letter

I have some well...satisfying news. Last week my husband, who is attorney, sent a demand letter to the clinic who failed to diagnose me for over a year with stage three breast cancer. They actually called him back within a WEEK. The clinic reported they had received the letter and held a meeting with everyone involved to discuss my case.

First off, they told my husband they were sorry for all I had gone through! The man told my husband the primary practitioner who failed to treat me properly was in tears at the meeting. They also reported their practices on breast exams/screening have dramatically changed for the better. Everyone complaining of a lump will automatically be sent for a mammogram. I was sooooo pleased to hear this! I have feared for other women who may have been in my shoes going to this same clinic and being brushed off...only to have it be too late.

The man from the clinic asked my husband basically what we wanted. Brent told them what we expected. He told Brent the letter had been forwarded to their malpractice insurance carrier. We have no desire to go to court...but we WILL if needs be~ The lack of care was horrible!!

What I truly wanted was for the clinic to recognize their treatment was terribly lacking and the practitioners needed to be better supervised by the doctors!! Not only was treatment horribly lacking...the information I was given about breast cancer was WAY OFF TRACK! That scares me the worst! If I were to been diagnosed the FIRST time I went in with a beebe sized lump all this horrible, painful, and scary treatment could have been bi-passed BEFORE I reached stage three cancer with metastasis to the lymph nodes! I also now have a larger chance of reoccurrence (not that I plan on that...).

This sounds a little bitter. Truthfully I am happy they called and acknowledged a problem. They didn't take responsibility, I am certain due to impending litigation. But, I am happy a meeting was held and procedure was discussed. Maybe someone else can be saved from going down this awful road. Maybe too the medical staff will take a little more time to get to know their patients and provide quality care without cattle calling them through.

Anyway, I am feeling good...tired...but good. I am still waiting for the fatigue to lift. I have been getting a newsletter called the Cancer Crusade. In it it had this affirmation I would like to share:

Dear God,
I've been awfully hard on myself lately,
blaming myself for mistakes real and imagined,
and convincing myself that
they are the reasons I have cancer.
Please help me get past this.
Help me in my resolve to
build new healthy habits,
to forgive myself for my
old unhealthy ones,
and to live joyously in the moment
every moment for all the rest of my days.
Amen

I still struggle (and probably always will) with taking good care of my body. I do feel great guilt for this. I am still going to Weight Watchers and I will start back to the gym next week. I haven't lost anymore weight...just holding. I've got to hit it hard this week though. I have had a difficult time getting back on the wagon since the holidays. I CAN do it!!

No Title Available Due to Mush Brain

I can't even think of a title for this current blog...how sad is that! I am "as usual" tired with a very mushy brain. I am having a difficult time keeping a focused train of thought and forming an intelligible sentence these days. I still blame it on "chemo brain"...but I had a client say to me today "you can't use that crutch forever Dana". Ha Ha like heck I can't! I can if I want to...it sounds better than just being plan old loopy!

Work was "crazy" today as usual. Most of you know I am a mental health worker. I love what I do and I find the people I work with fascinating. Truly, I never have a dull day! I have been doing this work almost 10 years now and I find that every day something new comes up I haven't dealt with before. You know you're slipping a little when you have clients recommend a "vacation" at the state hospital for a few weeks. You know if I could sleep and they would do everything for me...I might just look into that! :)

My life is starting to get back into my true blue routine I had before I got sick. I am starting to get things back in order and organized. I made it to the library and have been reading interesting books that are NOT about cancer. CONFESSION: out of the eleven books I checked out three were about cancer. Not bad I think. I will read those last.

Life is starting to look a little more optimistic, even though life in Idaho Falls in January is a little bleak and depressing! I am starting to look forward to things like getting more involved in the new cancer foundation. I have also had a couple of local women email me with questions about breast cancer which I am more than happy to answer. Life always looks less scary when there is someone to talk to who has been down the road.

I am making more friends and contacts in this small community. It feels good to feel included and involved. As tired as I feel, it actually feels good to be busy and not focus on the fatigue. That too shall pass!! It better pass!!

Speaking of...off to bed I go. Did I mention I only gained a pound over the holidays! One freak'n pound! I was thrilled! I did a little happy dance at the scale. I think the Weight Watchers lady thought I had fallen off my rocker. So any who, back on the wagon I go. Losing weight is so hard! I really hate it...but I have got to do it! I will NOT be the stupid cancer patient who doesn't get it. By me staying fat is like a lung cancer patient smoking through their tracheotomy. My chances of reoccurrence go up the heavier I am. No thank YOU! I have had several people compliment me on the lose so far...you just wait until I am 50 pounds lighter and smoke'n :)

I am also starting back to the gym this month. I might be crawling on the treadmill 2 miles per hour...but I'll be move'n! I am woman...hear me roar!

Good Night!!

Late Night Blogging is good for the Soul

I haven't written much this week. I have been insanely busy and tired on top of that. By the looks of the clock, this entry isn't going to contain great words of wisdom...but maybe some gibberish about my life.

I have been more tired this week that I was the ENTIRE time through radiation. Which is REALLY tired! I feel like a zombie waiting for life to restart! I have so much to do and some much I want to achieve, but my body isn't cooperating with me. I am trying to have patience with myself, but I am harder on my self that anyone else! Brent and I have bickered a lot this weekend. I think we need a vacation away from kids and cancer. What I wouldn't do for a few days all to myself with no responsibility and be able to do anything I wanted without worrying about my family. I don't dare even dream about it because I can't fathom the fact that it could actually happen. I went to the Library and checked out 11 books. I intent to read every single one of them...but I will feel great guilt for doing so. Sleeping and reading...at least it's not drinking and elicit affairs right!

The Survival Movie

I just wanted everyone to have a chance to see the video clip...it's awesome and very touching. I bawled like a baby through the entire thing...because it truly hit home. Follow the link: www.thesurvivormovie.com

I also found a quote on their webpage that I adored:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Pretty powerful huh!

My New Year's Resolutions

I have a lot of resolutions I want to make this year. Some I am already working on, others I have yet to tackle! Here we go...

PHYSICAL:

• NOT get cancer again :)

• Finish losing the weight. Back to Weight Watchers this week and I am starting back at the gym. Honestly, after having no energy and being sick for soooo long...I can't wait to get exercising again!!

• Continue to eat healthier and more balanced. Although this continues to be a huge challenge to me ( I am a stress/emotional eater/boredom/habitual ...blaa blaa blaa overeater). As I have said before, I refuse to be the stupid cancer patient that "didn't get it" and continue to neglect my health!!
  

SPIRITUAL:

• I truly want to be a better person. I want to serve others and reach out to others. I have been "served" so much this past year, I want to give back. I see the importance of this now more than ever after being the recipient for so long!

• I want to be a better mother/step-mom. I get so impatient and into the day to day "putting out fires" I forget to enjoy my girls. They really are so precious and fun. I worry about things that are beyond my control and I don't cherish them the way I want to. One of my biggest fears about cancer is not living to raise my girls. I have been given a second opportunity to that. My goal is to give it my all...and that includes not yelling so much!

• Be a better wife. I have a great husband. My relationship with him is so important, yet I don't give it the attention it needs. Now that I am feeling better...this has to become a top priority! Love ya babe

• I am LDS and I want to be a better Mormon woman. To be more detailed, I want to refine myself, polish off the rough patches. Okay, I know that's going to take some serious time...good thing I'm not terminal :)

• Quit my damn swearing. That was my last one! Seriously, I am getting better but I have got to let this one go! Part of the polishing!
  

MENTAL:

• To read more. I know this sounds weird, but my brain feels like mush and my comprehension is seriously lacking. They call it chemo brain...but come on seriously it's been three months. I need to do things to improve my concentration. Oh, I'm sorry I lost my focus for a sec. ....

• To get reorganized. I am usually very organized, but I haven't had the strength or time to be so. I want to get it "pulled back together" and put my house/life back in order and organize my self and time more efficiently! I guess that includes cleaning out the hall closet this week :(
  

EMOTIONAL:

• Try not to worry so much and have greater faith that "things" will be "okay". I am a huge worrier and emotionally it gets the best of me. I resolve to take it down a notch this year and CHILL OUT!
  

Okay, so this is a start. I have a lot of things I want/need to improve, but this is where I will start! Those of you who know me are shaking their heads in agreement!

I appreciate your love and support, I truly do! Happy New Year!!

Good Riddance

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Good Riddance 2005...possibly the most unlucky, worst year of my life. Although I have learned and grown this year...I am glad to see it go! Here's to a better year!

MRI

Today was a stressful day. I had a check-up with my fabulous oncologist Christian T. Shull today. I told him I had been having headaches consistently for about three weeks. The kind that are always there and sometimes they are terrible and sometimes they subside but linger and never really go away. Well, I mentioned this to him and he said..."I know what you're thinking and let's just get an MRI and rule out any problems so we don't worry about it". I am SO glad he would do that...but I also FREAKED out.

I started thinking and preparing for the very worst. It was amazing to me the range of emotion I felt and how quickly that fear came back. I laid in the MRI and cried. I broke down to my husband and cried. He tried to reassure me it was nothing and the scan wouldn't show anything. But...let me tell you, when you have been told over and over you don't have cancer...then one day they call and say "opps...you really do have cancer, and it's a REALLY bad, aggressive kind"...trust becomes an issue. I told him that wasn't reassuring and not to say that to me anymore. I wanted to believe it was nothing, but the reality that it very easily could be, was just as real!!

May 25th (diagnosis day) echoed in my mind and all those same emotions and fears came into play. I kept picturing them calling and saying..."we found a tumor, it has spread to your brain, there's nothing we can do." It felt hopeless, scary, and overwhelming. I felt trapped and feared the worst...not being able to raise my children.

We discussed the chances of reoccurrence and metastasis. Not my favorite subjects. I am the type of person who has to know where I stand in all areas of my life...including cancer. Although, knowing all the facts sometimes depletes my sense of hope and faith.

Anyway, by the time I left the MRI and drove to my sisters to get my girls...my fantastic doctor called with the results showing no signs of tumors/cancer. Halleluiah! I pleaded with the Lord again today to spare my life once more so I can raise these girls. I made a promise to be a more patient and loving mother and a better person. I know my prayers were answered once again. Again, my reality is put back into perspective. It's amazing how quickly priorities get out of alignment and then smacked back into line.

A day that started off bad and ended good. Tonight my niece came over and we stayed up and played games. We always laugh and have a good time. I went to dinner with my sisters and I felt comfort. Thank goodness for family and friends. I cry for those who have to go through this alone...it shouldn't happen. Everyone should have a shoulder to cry on.

I plan on 2006 being the BEST year yet! This year sucked and it can only get better!! That's what I'm planning on and what I intend to have happen. I will life to the fullest and enjoy it more.

The Great Holiday Letdown

Does anyone experience what I call the let down after the holidays? For weeks we run around like mad trying to get some much accomplished only to find the little extras we bust ourselves over really don't make that much difference. I am so wrung out tonight. My husband and I are arguing over "marraige stuff" and everything else that has the misforture of popping into the sad discussion.

We had an okay Christmas...still glad to be a live. It was wonderful to watch the girls open their presents and enjoy themselves. That's always good to experience as a parent. But, on the other hand...family really makes me reflect. I miss spending time around MY family whom i know loves me and my children. I worry my children will miss being around my parents. We are very involved in talking to one another and interested in each other. On the other hand, spending time with the in-laws was not as enjoyable and enlightening and it makes me miss my family and friends even more who live out of state. Actually I'm the one living out of state. I confrontd my husband at looking at this for a change and considering a move south...which he says he will consider but NEVER does. Maybe I'll move myself. A change would be nice! Some issues I guess will always be there.

I am so emotinal tonight. I am tired and I am getting sick...which leads me to my next statement...I am Sick of being Sick and Tired! I am done with this S@#$T. I want to move on but I'm not sure how to maybe I need some therapy to process this overload of emotions that keep taking over my brain.I don't thonk I am making much sence. I better get to bed.

To all of you who told me to take it easy or I would over do it and get sick...well you were right. Are you happy? I feel like crap and I am near to not functioning. What a week this will be.

Good night...blaa blaa blaa

The Best Present EVER!

I am DONE...DONE I tell ya! I finished radiation today and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it! I can't believe this day finally came and went! WOW...I am DONE!! I am through with being a cancer patient! DONE!! This is the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!

I am so tired tonight (being that it's 1:30 am) but I had SO much to do today getting ready for Christmas. I think I may have wrote this in my last entry, but everyone keeps telling me to take it easy and rest...but this Christmas I am glad to be a live and I will not take it easy!! I am here...hear me roar!! True, I am running on adrenaline, caffeine, and sugar (I know, not a good combo for the cancer patient)...but this week I do NOT care! My kids got gypped this year and I am going to make this a fantastic Christmas...and dammit...I'm a live!!

I took my cancer team each a little gift. I got a big bag of lifesaver candies and tied a note to it that said "Merry Christmas to my Wonderful LifeSavers". I wrote "thanks to you I am here this year".

After radiation today they gave me a graduation certificate! It was totally funny. They gave me a hope bracelet and a hospital mug (which are most coveted). The graduation certificate had everyone on the staff's signature and well wishes...I loved it.

I had some weird mixed emotions today. I was thrilled to be done, but I was very emotional. Not sad to leave, just emotional that I had finally finished the treatments and the hard part of this is OVER. It has consumed my life for seven LONG months and now my life is taking a different turn. I am ready to move on. I want to be the helper now, I want to help others. So many have been there for me, now I am ready to be there for someone else. I am ready to be a full-time Mommy again and be there physically and emotionally/mentally to my beautiful children. I am ready to reconnect with my amazing husband and focus on something other than CANCER!!! I will say though I will never forget and I will never stop advocating for this cause...it is so important to get the word out and be there for people still going through it!!

My wonderful friend and former chemo buddy Deon, gave me the most beautiful painting of the Lord crossing the raging ocean with this saying written on it:

"When the billows of Change encompass me,
When it's surges dash furiously,
And the foam thereof is nigh unto overwhelming,
Thy power will sustain me:
I will smile at the rage of the tempest,
And ride fearlessly and triumphantly
Across the boisterous ocean of circumstance".
Eliza R. Snow

Isn't that beautiful! I loved it and hung it right by my door so I can read it everyday before I leave. I truly have learned a valuable lesson about life and change. I also found out I'm not as a big of chicken as I thought I was :) Bring it on!

One more thing then off to sleep city. My adorable husband surprised me with an early Christmas present...a KITTY!! I was so incredibly excited and thrilled beyond words! He is so cute! We named him Fritz. He's solid gray with a white belly. I'm in Love!!
Well...off I go! Goodnight and sleep tight! I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!! I also added the latest portraits of my girls. They weren't very balanced...but aren't they angels!!

Exhausted...Big Surprize

I am so exhausted tonight! I have so much to do and my house is a mess. I have laundry to do and a floor to vacuum! I have Christmas cards to send and neighbor gifts to deliver...am I insane? I didn't make candy and goodies this year. I just couldn't muster up the strength! Not to mention if I make it, I eat it, which is not conjunctive to the weight loss plan! (almost 16 lbs so far, 55 to go)!

I worked today and I am glad this day is almost over. It is really snowing outside and the roads are terrible. I usually hate the snow (don't ask me why I live in Idaho) but this year it feels cozy to me. Maybe it's that I am learning to enjoy the little things in life. I am grateful to be here this Christmas…I very easily could have not been. The girls are curled up watching Whinny the Pooh. I plan to join them once I am done here and plug in the Christmas lights and relax! Screw laundry...if my husband needs clothes for tomorrow I'll give him fair warning he has none. As for dinner, it will have to be leftovers!

I am counting down the days until radiation is OVER!! Four more to go!!! I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can. Today I scheduled my after radiation check-ups with my oncologist and surgeon. That felt really good. Really, Really good!

I Miss My Mind the Most

Wow, I have been terrible at writing the past several weeks. I need to get better. You know the saying..."out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most". Well, that rings a little true these days! Then you add the holidays on top of that and you have a complete psychotic woman on the loose! Never the less here I am!

This is my VERY LAST week of radiation! I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I really didn't think I would make it! I hated it! This week they start what is called the "boost" treatments. They have been radiating from my collarbone down to under my breast, and from my cleavage to my backside. It is so red and irritated. Last week it started blistering quit a bit and peeling off. I still feel like I am nursing a newborn. If I get bumped...I about jump out of my skin.

This week however, they will only radiate my original tumor site (which is called a boost). Which granted is still a large area...but it's not my entire left side! The doctor said the skin that isn't being radiated would start to heal. The boost is concentrated on the surgical area to assure eradication of any cancer cells left in that area, which has the highest likelihood of reoccurrence. In that case...radiate away!!

The fatigue is something else! I am so tired!!!!! It has been somewhat of an accumulative process. If I have one minute of down time I am either sleeping of staring blankly at the wall. I have been terrible at keeping in touch...sorry. I feel like a wet washrag! However, I appreciate the love and support of those around me! You keep my spirits high!

Hopefully, my journey through breast cancer is coming to an end! I never thought I would make it. I try and keep positive by not dwelling on the chances I may have of reoccurrence. I will cross those bridges when/if I get there. I tell my husband if I can go through chemo and be on T.V. bald...I can do anything!!

As I reflect back the past six months, my heart is full of gratitude for both my life and for the phenomenal people in my life. Had it not been for cancer, I may have never met some of the amazing people I have. I heard a saying once that goes something like this..."the deeper the sorrow and pain cut into the soul, the more room there is to fill it up with joy". That is how I feel about this experience. It has been the fight of my life so far...but what I found was great joy. So many lessons learned. How lucky I am!

Raw Deal

I am having a pretty good day. It's amazing when I don't have radiation, I don't feel AS tired. Today is Saturday and I have the weekend off radiation which is like a mini vacation. I have had a bad attitude about this and wonder if I can make it through the next few weeks. The rash on my chest is so painful and irritated. It is almost up my neck...it's like trying to hide a hicci in highschool.

I have been exhausted this week. I have been crazy busy and when I have two seconds to sit down, I about fall asleep. Yesterday, I just needed to sleep. I started feeling the guilt again over being a bad Mom. I felt like my kids are getting a raw deal. They get a mom who to them looks lazy and sleeps all the time. They want me to read and play games and some days I just CAN'T do it. It feels horrible to me. It must feel horrible to them. Everyone says this was a good age for them to be, for me to go through cancer because they won't remember. Yet, as a mental health worker I worry about their personality development and stuff like that. I want what is best for them but I am too tired to do it. I am feeling the same way I did going through chemo.

My two year old just came up to me with a tube of the salve I keep on my radiation area to keep the skin from cracking and falling off. She pulled up her shirt and wanted me to put some on her. They don't miss a thing even when you don't think they are looking. Only a few more weeks...

Dead on my Feet!

I really should be in bed a sleep...why I'm not really is beyond me! I continue to hate radiation and the effects are really getting to me. I am having some bad reactions and it is driving me CRAZY. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...short drive! Really, I am having this terrible choking sensation and a sore throat like no other. I also have a rash all over my chest like I did with Adrimyician (chemo) this summer. My lips are swollen and I feel like I have hives or something. They mentioned I maybe having a adrimycian memory reaction being brought up by the stress of the radiation. What ever is going on...I am going batty. I really am half tempted to never go back!

I have been in a foul mood and I am so tired I can barely think straight! You might ask why I am posting so late if I am so damn tired...well...I just needed to vent a little so I can sleep! I went back to work yesterday, which was actually really good for me. It felt as though I had never left. I thought I could either sit around and worry about paying medical bills or I could get out there and do something about it! So, that's what I decided to do. I am just going to have to pull it together and organize myself. I love what I do, and I am good at it too...so really it's a positive thing. I told my co-workers if they see me hunkered down in the corner to come and wake me up!
Well, that's enough of that tonight! I NEED sleep. Good night!

Here I am

A few people have become concerned about my lack of communication the last couple of weeks. Here I am...a live and kicking...well, okay alive! I am so busy and so tired I cannot even tell you! I have not had the energy to do much of anything except the very minimal required of me. I am mentally depleted and physically drained. The radiation is catching up to me quickly! If I haven't already written it... I HATE RADIATION!! It is a pain in the butt! I hate the drive, I hate the schedule, and I hate lying on a table without a top on with fifty people in the room. Incase you didn't catch it...I HATE RADIATION!! I am so tired! Everyone told me radiation isn't as bad as chemo (which it isn't, not much could be), but it sucks in it's own unique way! I'm not sick, but I am just bone tired and I feel like I have a really bad sunburn. The nurse told me it is too soon to be having a skin reaction...kinda of like I'm too young to have cancer. Bite me! Tell that to my sore nipple that feels like I've been nursing a newborn...OUCH!

The crazy thing is I have decided to go back to work after Thanksgiving (part-time) because the medical bills are piling up and we need the cash flow! I'm not sure if I can do it, but I've got to try. Good thing is I love what I do. Wish me luck!

I have got to write about something absolutely ironic! The last few weeks I had agreed to help with a tree for the Festival of the Trees. My oncologist is the one who sponsored it and his wife is who spearheaded the decorating. We worked for two weeks on this thing! It turned out absolutely beautiful! It was called the tree of hope. The tree had birdcages on it with birds flying up portraying hope. To the side of the tree was a framed poem with the poem by Emily Dickinson "Hope is a Feather." Well, the ironic thing is, people/businesses from the community come to the festival and buy the trees, and the proceeds go to a local charity. When I got there the first night my doctor and his wife said, "you are NEVER going to believe who bought the tree". I couldn't imagine who...but when I looked at the plaque I about fell over! One of the main doctor's from the clinic that misdiagnosed me for over a year was the one who bought it! At least she paid out the nose for it!

I have also been asked to be on the board for a new non-profit foundation set-up to help cancer patients in our community. I was nominated as the secretary, which should keep me busy! The board has some awesome people on it! We had a board meeting the other night and we came up with some great ideas to help cancer patients here in little old Idaho Falls. I feel like I have "taken" for the past six months...it's time for me to give back. I feel honored to be able to be a part of this. So, if any of you out there have ideas, please send them to me! Since we are in a smaller area with patients who come from rural areas for treatment, there is such a need! Some people come clear from Jackson Hole, WY and Island Park, Idaho everyday for radiation/chemo. Which is over an hour drive each way with some pretty scary road conditions.

Last week at church I gave a lesson in Relief Society about our bodies and the importance of taking care of them and accepting them. When I introduced the lesson, I said "I don't know how you will feel about a fat, bald women, with cancer giving you this lesson, but I hope you can see the importance of this lesson". I then talked about the importance of us as women accepting and caring for our bodies. I said " for me to teach this lesson I hope you can accept mine". I then took off my turban and taught the lesson bald. I started bawling but I think the lesson turned out good and I got the points across that I wanted to. The women had a lot of comments and interacted well.

So, as you can see...I have been super busy and when I am not running around with my head cut off...I am sleeping! I appreciate all of you who have been concerned and keep in touch! I have been terrible at this lately, please forgive me!

Oh man...tomorrow is our seventh wedding anniversary! Wow, time flies when you've got a good guy!

A Little Lazy

I haven't posted for over a week. I started to do a post a few days ago and my computer froze...then I never got back to it. I have been insanely busy this week. I started my first week of radiation and it sucks! It really does. It is such a pain in the rear to say the least. I do at least a 40 minute drive round trip everyday to get my kids to my sisters, then I have to drive to the cancer center, then go pick up the kids and drive clear back home on the other side of town. All this for a 10-minute radiation treatment. My "table time" as they call it, is at 9:20 in the morning. I am NOT a morning type of gal and getting there is a major strain. I suppose we will get in to the routine of it...but right now I just hate it!

I got tattooed on Tuesday after the final mapping. I think I got a total of six tattoos, some of which I can't see. I had to lay in the body mold for 45 minutes without moving while they did the final fine-tuning of the radiation points. It was terribly uncomfortable and the mold was poking into my bum. Again there were about four people in the room "helping" to get things just right and moving "things" around. There's nothing like laying on a table in a room full of people with no top on and strangers drawing on your chest!

I have been very tired this week...not chemo tired, but a different type of tired...body tired. I don't know if that makes any sense! I don't feel sick like I did with chemo, just tired and worn out. I have been going to bed early, which is very unusual for me. The other thing that sucks with radiation is the burn. It feels like a deep, achy sunburn, and it's sore. It also feels like engorgement...a strange feeling when you haven't just had a baby!

I have sooo much to write about...good things, but I am too tired and I will have to continue tomorrow! Austa La Pasta

Bean Bag Baby

I usually love fall and the leaves turning and all that goes with it...but I don't like daylight savings and how early it gets dark! I get a little low and tired and want to go to bed at 5 pm. Today has been pretty laid back, not much going on even though I have a ton to do! I just can't seem to get going. I feel so disorganized in my brain and I can't seem to get back into a routine. Seriously, I had a better routine when I was going through chemo...because I had to. Now, I just can't seem to pull it together. I talked to a dear friend of mine who went through cancer this summer too and she expressed the same feelings about feeling overwhelmed with "getting back to life".

My routine is going to change next week for sure. I start radiation at the Cancer Center part of Eastern Idaho's Regional Medical Center. I thought I would start this week, but the planning and mapping is taking longer than I realized it would. I went in Monday for my initial consultation with the radiation oncologist Dr. Calvin McCallister. He went over what radiation is and what they would be doing. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. He did yet another breast exam. I seriously think I've been "felt up" by the entire medical community here in Idaho Falls. It's worse than having a baby...no dignity with the parts.

I went in again to the Cancer Center (where they do the radiation) on Tuesday to get a planning CT scan and do a body mold. It was very interesting. First, the nurse shows me where to change and tells me to put on a cape and go to the radiation waiting room...what? I had to wait in the waiting room without anything on top? Luckily the cape was bigger than the ones they have at oncology! I'm telling you it wouldn't have been a problem when I was 22 and skinny...but now it's a little more risky mostly for those walking by!

Then they took me to the CT room and I had to lie on the CT table on this beanbag type of thing. Then they had to position me exactly how they wanted me for radiation so they could make a body mold. It was somewhat comical. I am lying there on this table with both my arms in the air. My cape is pulled up so they could adjust "things" just right and I swear everyone and their dog came to help out. I'm laying there all hanging out and the tech is introducing me to the head of the cancer center. What am I suppose to say..."Hey there, nice to meet ya"...would you like a looksie to? And then the doctor comes in and is drawing on me and measuring my chest. Then another lady came in to help with the body mold. Good thing I'm not shy...

After they got me in the exact position they needed me in, they sucked all the air out of the beanbag thing making it as hard as a rock...Walla a body mold. Different from what I had in mind. I was sorta thinking more a long the lines of the old plaster stuff they used to make casts out of...sorry for the visual. Anyways, they will then take that mold and put it on the radiation table so I can lie in that exact position every time. They also taped some marks on me that I have to keep on until next week (which are driving me crazy). When they decide the marks are in the precise place they need to be they will tattoo them on me forever. The tattooed marks will be the places they will radiate. I will have one more mapping appointment next week before we get started to make sure everything is perfectly aligned. I will then have to have 33 radiation treatments, Monday through Friday for 6 1/2 weeks.

As far as the weight loss is going...I am doing okay. Halloween was a killer! A two and four year old can't possible eat all those little candy bars all by themselves! I have maintained but I don't think I will be losing much this week! Just for the rocord though...I did count my points (okay most of them). Brent is doing awesome! He's lost eight pounds too! I've got to do this...but it's hard and food is so good! I will...I will...I will!!

TV Apprearance

Yesterday I was able to do a couple of segments on a local TV show about Breast Cancer Awareness. It went really well and I enjoyed myself. I was able to tell my story about being misdiagnosed for over a year and how important it is to be your own best advocate when it comes to health care. I am anxious to see how it turned out. It airs this Sunday...so we'll see.

After the taping yesterday I came home with a headache so I layed down for a little while. When I woke up I had the stomach flu which my entire family has had this week. I thought I was going to get out of it, but boy was I wrong. The nausea and puking was reminiscent of this summer going through chemo. Not a fun reminder. It's crazy how much it wears your body down, but hey...maybe I'll weigh in a lot less tomorrow at Weight Watchers...LOL

I have my planning appointment with the radiation oncologist on Monday. They told me the appointment would last an hour and a half. I should start with the actual radiation after that.

I am signing off because I need to fix my family some dinner and resemble a fairly normal mother.

Good Old P.M.S.

Alright, I have posted a lot of personal, not so easy to write about things...but how does one write about getting back her period? So, here it goes...I'm NOT in menopause!! All this time we thought I was going into menopause...hot flashes, extreme mood swings, no period. But, as luck would have it...I'm back in business!! The crankiness was just good old P.M.S.!!! P.M.S...Can you believe that! The hot flashes have cooled down quit a bit the past couple of weeks. My doctor thinks they might have been solely from the chemo and pain medication.

I just talked to my doctor last week about menopause and what medications I would have to take after radiation. The kind of medications I would be prescribed would be solely based on if I were menopausal or not! Statistically, chemotherapy puts many women at my age into pre-menopause and does it fairly quick. I thought for sure I was menopausal and would have to worry about heart disease and osteoporosis in the near future. It's bad enough all my hair is coming in GRAY!

I have also had a hard time with the fact I wouldn't be able to have more children. We have always planned on having one more. Who knows...I still may not be able to have more babies due to the drugs I will be required to take for the next five years. But, there is hope! I was just reading about Tamoxifen a drug for breast cancer patients that is an anti-estrogin agent. It doesn't sound too pleasant! It can cause weight gain and uterine cancer. My doctor said if I did get uterine cancer (which they would watch closely for) I would have to have a hysterectomy anyways. Right now I am rolling my eyes and shaking my head...

This all sounds pretty negative, but truly I am in very good spirits these days! I am feeling much better and getting more and more energy back every day. I can even move my arm and it is hurting a lot less! I have my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist next Monday, so, I am going to fully enjoy my week!!

Tomorrow I am going with my doctor's wife Carrie to Salt Lake City to get more stuff for a tree we are putting together for the Festival of Trees. His office is sponsoring it. It will be nice to have a girl's day out...a two and a half hour drive with no kids! My sister Leigh lives there and is a fantastic decorator. She is going to help us pull it all together. It feels good to have things going on again in my life other than just being sick. It feels good to have some projects and stuff to look forward to.

I have been putting my kids costumes together. Addie is going to be Cinderella and Paige was going to be a butterfly princess...but the dress I ordered is WAY too big. So back to the drawing board. Anyway, life is good...miracles happen! Plus, I have lost 3.5 pounds last week on Weight Watchers!!

The Coolest Thing!

I had the coolest thing happen today. I went to the mailbox and in it was a package from Lori & Cary (Too Sexy For My Hair~Flikr) with a handful of cards from people all over the country! Isn't that awesome!! People I have never met in person who are praying for me and sending their best wishes...amazing! I was so thrilled and uplifted! I am daily reminded of the good people in this world and how blessed I am to have such a fantastic support group. I shudder to think of someone going through this awful disease and not having wonderful people in their lives...and I know they are out there. Thank you everyone...thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have something else cool to add. I was asked to be on a local T.V. news talk show next week about breast cancer! My oncologist will be on, along with people from radiology. They asked me because I am young with children and they want women to know breast cancer can happen to anyone of any age! I am a little nervous...but those of you who know me personally know I have the gift of gab. I obviously feel very passionate about this and would do anything if it helped one person get into their doctor and get the treatment they need! After all, it is Breast Cancer Awareness month! Get your mammograms!

Today has been a great day! I was able to go to the soup kitchen and help serve lunch. It felt so good to first of all, have the energy to do it, but also to get outside myself and help out someone else for a change! I got so busy I started sweating and rubbed off my eyebrows! I'm a sight...let me tell ya! I have really learned a lesson or two about the importance of service. Too bad it took cancer for me to get it! At least I'm getting right?

Yesterday, I went to both my Surgeon and my Oncologist. I had to have fluid drained (gross I know) that had build up from the surgery. Dr. Jones said she is pleased with how I am healing up...me too! Man, where they took the lymph nodes under my arm is still so stink'n sore, but getting better!!

I had my one month check up with the oncologist. He went over my most recent path report and said how pleased he was with the results. He said my cancer was very sensitive to the chemo! DIE CANCER DIE!! The path report said the lymph nodes that had cancer left in them were considered microscopic and were contained only to the nodes themselves! Man I am lucky...I just have to say that I realize I am so blessed and so lucky. This could have been SO much worse, according to my initial prognosis...it should have been. Dr. Shull reminded me of that yesterday. When he first saw my tumor (the orange) path report he said "I thought for sure you would have to have a full mastectomy"! So neeneer, neeneer, neeneer to cancer!

Read a funny joke in a book my sister Ann sent me.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ad-air.
Ad-air Who?
Ad-air (had hair) once...but it all fell out!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow!

Unzipping the Fat Suit :)

I did it. I started Weight Watchers and I am doing it! I feel really motivated to do something about this fat thing. I feel like I am trapped in a fat suit screaming for someone to unzip me! Brent is even doing the program with me! I have already lost a pound! I will never ever take advantage of my health again! I know what it is like to feel like a big pile of poo...and if there is something I can do to change that... I am going to do it.

My energy is slowly coming back...but it IS coming back. It feels so great! I even walked the green belt today around the Snake River!! It took me over an hour...but I DID IT!! It felt so damn good! The sun was shining, the leaves were colorful and beautiful, and there were still ducks and geese everywhere! I even walked the belt pushing my two year old in a stroller! This is a huge leap from a month ago when I could barely walk from my living room to my bedroom! Life is good! (Okay, life is better than it was). I'm getting there!

For the Birds...

I am losing it! This menopause stuff is for the BIRDS!! I am losing my marbles I tell ya! Up and down with the hormones. You know what that means...lots and lots of crying. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm usually not a crier...that is since puberty when my hormones where just as screwed up. Yesterday's breakdown was over money or lack of. I was paying medical bills and freaked right out. Our little nest egg that was to be put towards buying a house is now officially depleted...gone. Maybe I am destined to live in a little blue house forever. Excuse me while I go cry some more.

On a better note, the hot flashes have "cooled off" a little the last two weeks...thank goodness. They were absolutely driving me batty! I am thirty-two for heck sakes...I feel like an eighty year old woman and look like a man. That's right...I look like a man. My hair is starting to come in (gray no less) and it's looking like a butch cut. Weird thing is I have kept most of my eyebrows and lashes up until this past month. Now there all but gone. Go figure. And get this...I had to shave my armpits for the very first time in four months. Man I'm going to miss that part. Of course I couldn't get a really clean shave on the left side due to the large, ominous scar under there. Good thing I can laugh about some of this or I might be bawling twenty-four seven.

I have my one-month check up with my oncologist coming up next week. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I finished with chemo! I should start radiation here in about two weeks. In a weird way I am getting anxious to get started just so I can get it over with. I'm also curious what it will be like. I hear it's not near as bad as chemo (can't imagine what is) and it's like having a bad sunburn. They also say it comes with some fatigue...yeah that's what I need, more fatigue. What a bundle of joy I'll be...doesn't it make you want to come for a visit :) Come see the freak show...the lopsided, bald lady who sleeps a lot except for when she is crying or screaming...it will be lots of fun. I do need money. Maybe I could set up a circus tent in the front yard and charge admission. Hey that's not a bad idea. I could even sell popcorn!

On a more positive note, I had my follow up with my surgeon Dr. Jones on Tuesday. She made an interesting point. She said that if she would have known my tumor (the orange) was cancerous when she did my first lumpectomy she would have been committed to doing a full mastectomy. I asked her why and she said because of the wide margins she would have had to take considering the size of the tumor. It is really a miracle the biopsy came back negative for cancer and she took out the tumor anyways! It saved me from a mastectomy...man am I grateful!

Anyways, tomorrow I start weight watchers...wish me luck. I will spring this cocoon someday! And when I do…watch out world!

This is the bald me! 

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have to write that I had a great weekend with my family and I actually felt pretty good! I wasn't sick OR tired...amazing!

Friday night I did have a MAJOR breakdown and couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. I truly don't think I have cried like that for a long, long time. I wept until there were no more tears. Brent was so worried he called my Mom who he knew could calm me down. And...she did.

I cried to my Mom for an hour about all my fears and feelings about my experience with cancer. It has consumed my life to a certain degree and now I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like everyone, including myself expected me to be better now that surgery was over and the cancer has receded...and I'm not. I realized that getting well is a process of it's own and it will take some time. I just get anxious and want to move a head quicker than my body is willing. I had been so exhausted last week, I seriously worried I would never feel good again. It was/is a very real fear. Fatigue and depression scare me. Especially raising two young girls who have so much energy!!! I worried the depression had been triggered by the surgery and I was going back down to the depths of hell. I hate depression...almost as much as I hate cancer. I felt bleak and hopeless.

People might think cancer is a physical battle...but it is an emotional and spiritual battle far more than it is physical. It has challenged every belief and emotion in me. It has challenged my core character. I have had to look deep inside myself and find strength I didn't know existed. I have had to examine every aspect of my life...my marriage, my relationships with my family and my children. I have had to face things I need to change and prooded me to change the things I've wanted to improve. I have had to sort out the good from the bad in my soul. Through it all I have found out I am of worth and I have things to offer others I didn't know were there. All in all I still have a lot of improving to do.

These are but a few of the conclusions I have come to:
I have realized I do have a strong marriage and my relationship with Brent has deepened significantly. Cancer has shown his true character...one of a loving, thoughtful, and committed man. He has been by my side and offered encouragement and love even when I know he was on the brink himself. Our marriage has endured some hard times but cancer has cemented us together. I have found my attitude towards him and our marriage have changed for the better. The little annoyances are still there...but they don't matter as much. He has looked past the fat, ugly, baldness and loved me for who I am not what I look like.

I have learned that I want to be a stronger, more faithful LDS women who follows the counsel of our prophet and lives in accordance to our beliefs and morals. I have much refining to do. I truly have learned from the example of others what true, selfless service is and have been grateful not only for myself but for the example shown to my children. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds about gospel principles I have needed to learn. The church is true and I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for miracles that have happened.

I have also learned that there are good, decent people in this world struggling with this disease who are finding the same sorts of conclusions in their lives and who are in need of support and service from others. People across the country have prayed in my behalf and have offered words of love and support. We are all tied together and responsible for each other. I want to be a person of service.

I have learned how amazing the human body is even when it turns on you! I have learned how precious good health is and how important it is to take care of my body...even though for me this is still incredibly difficult! I have found that I do have a desire to be healthly and fully live the word of wisdom.

I am forever a changed person.

I had yet another break down tonight. I have not felt good today and I am SO tired. I don't know if it's from the surgery or what but I feel like crap. I am sick of being sick and I fear I will never feel normal again. I fear being one of "those" moms that let their children run wild and lay around all day parenting from the couch. I felt so tired today it was almost like I had just had chemo...it was that bad.

I feel like I should be better by now, but Brent tells me I am being unrealistic. I just want to move on and get some things done. I am still in pain from the surgery and am having a hard time moving my arm. I think I am feeling the let down from everything. I just get scared I won't ever feel good again. I would pay big money for an ounce of energy. Since my Mom was here she took care of things with the girls and around the house. Now that she is gone it hit me how run down I feel...back to the grind. I also feel like I've let myself down because I'm not taking as good care of myself as I think I should be. I should be eating better and going to bed earlier. You would think something like CANCER would make you be better, but it's true that old habits do die hard. The desires in my head are not always carried out by my body.

I know I will somehow work this out. I have a good husband and family...I just feel like I have took, and took, and took. I want to feel better and give back. Brent has been amazing but I know he's got to be drained. He does so much.

I really better get some sleep...

FINALLY!!!

I finally got the results to my pathology report! The surgeon's office called this afternoon to tell me all the margins that were cleared in surgery were free from any residual carcinoma!!!!! There were however three lymph nodes that were positive for cancer, out of the fifteen that were removed. I won't have to have a mastectomy or any other surgery at this point (I would say ever, but I don't want to jinx myself :).

I called my Oncologist, Dr. Christian T. Shull after I hung up and he said that he had planned on some of the nodes being positive, that is why I will to have radiation. The radiation should kill any remaining cancer cells that surgery and chemo didn't get. I will start radiation is three weeks and will have radiation every day (except Saturday & Sundays) for six and a half weeks.

I feel so much relief and trepidation all at the very same time. Part of me feels like "wow, it's gone" and the other part of me is thinking "what if there is still cancer and it comes back...this can't be real". A great guy named Amiko wrote to me saying "it's hard to wrap your mind around the fact you have cancer...but it's just as hard to wrap your mind around the fact that it's gone". That really sums up how I am feeling. I know this must be normal to feel excited and unsure...I just hope I don't drive myself crazy in the mean time. All I can do is take the very best care of myself and "Let Go and Let God".

I want you all to know I truly do believe in the power of prayer and I know that is what is helping me get well. I KNOW IT!! My cancer is a very aggressive, advanced cancer...really, my prognosis wasn't that good. I believe I am beating this due to the overwhelming amount of prayers in my behalf...from people of all different faiths. Think about it. I had a 10 cm tumor with lymph invasion, grade three, stage three that is not hormone sensitive. All that and I didn't even have to have a mastectomy...coincidence? I think not!! Thank you for your faith. Very humbling...

I also believe all things happen for a reason and I have much more to learn. I'm not going down yet! I have already learned volumes from this experience. I have met AMAZING people who are also fighting this disease and battling with such courage and strength (Lori). You inspire me daily and give me the courage to keep going.

I have had such a wide range of emotion today...but mostly one of gratitude, hope, and relief.

No Results Yet

I haven't gotten the pathology results back from my surgery yet. It feels like forever. I just keep expecting bad news and more surgery. I called the surgeon's office today (Dr. Judy Jones), but they said they had already called the pathologist's and they are still working on it. The receptionist said she would call as soon as she got it. Hopefully we’ll hear something in the morning.

My Mom is still here helping me with the kids. It has been so nice to have her here. If I need more surgery she will stay, if not, she will be leaving tomorrow. I don't want her to go. Today, my sister came over with lunch and a movie. We put the kids down for their naps and had "movie afternoon". It felt so good to relax a little!

I have been so tired today and in a lot of pain. I had started feeling better pain wise, but tonight I am really hurting. I am so ready for this to be done. I am not feeling good about the results. I ask myself why I am feeling this way. Is it because I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best? Is it personal revelation? Am I just freaked out? I just can't believe having that many dark lymph nodes and another suspicious spot can be good news. I try being positive, but being positive doesn't mean being unrealistic. I can't burry my head in the sand and pretend there isn't a problem. Hopefully tomorrow we'll know.

If I do have to get the mastectomy...I think I will just do one side for now. I was pretty set on doing a double, but now that I have had surgery, having both done seems so overwhelming and painful. I can't get myself to even think about it.

Thanks again for all your love and support! Sunday my friend Deon brought me two dozen gorgeous yellow roses. Then today Brent's cousin brought me flowers and so did some women from the ward. It really brightens my days. I also truly appreciate the thoughts and prayers in my behalf! Thank you!

Good News? Bad News? That is the Question...

This will most likely be a very short post since I am high on painkillers and not typing very well. So please pardon me if this don’t make any sense! I had surgery yesterday. Dr. Jones took out the margin around where my old tumor was. She also found another suspicious lump and took that as well including the margins. They ended up taking out 15 lymph nodes instead of the 10-12 she had planned on. She said the first 4 nodes were very dark in color and were hard and enlarged. Not a good sign.

They will test all the tissue taken and I will get results in 4-5 days. If the tissue from the margins come back positive for cancer they will most likely have to go back in next week and do a full mastectomy. They took almost half of my breast off this time and I am in so much pain. I wasn't expecting it to be this bad. I had to stay in overnight because we couldn't get my pain under control. I have about a 4-5 inch incision running from my nipple up to my armpit. And another incision that is about 3 inches long running under my armpit where they took out the nodes. The whole breast (or what's left I should say) is so incredibly tender...I can tell she did a lot of prodding around.

I have a feeling they will have to go back in. In a strange way it would be a relief to just have it removed so I don't have to worry...but of course if they don't that would be the ultimate!! I just want this all done and over with. It has been so nice to have my Mom here. Brent stayed with me last night at the recovery center. I hope I can get comfortable tonight and get some rest. I can never get sleep when I'm in the hospital!

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...really it makes such a difference and is so comforting! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will keep you posted about test results...good night!