My Dammit Doll

I just had to share the cutest gift I received yesterday from my good friend Deon. Deon is also a breast cancer survivor and has been done with chemo for 6 weeks now. She made this "Dammit Doll" for me with the following card attached:

"When you want to throw the phone or kick the dog and shout...Here's a little Dammit Doll you can not live without! Just grasp it firmly by the legs and find a place to slam it! And when you wack it's stuffing out...yell Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"

Notice the little band-aid over the breast...isn't that adorable!!

People have been so thoughtful and good to me! I am very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I had my second to last treatment yesterday! I am starting to feel the effects! I just keep reminding my self it's almost over...I can do it! My sister has the girls again today...it feels so nice to relax and not have to worry about them...thank you Lynne! I am blessed...very, very blessed!

My Recount of Diagnosis Day

I wanted to write about the day I found out I had Breast Cancer. Like I mentioned in my first entry it was May 25, 2005 around 1:oo pm. I was at home and my surgeon Judy Jones called my house. She told me she had the results of my lab work. I was sitting at my kitchen table… a scene I will never forget. Her office had called me earlier that day to ask when I would be at home. They had told me Dr. Jones wanted to talk to me and asked when she could call. I asked the receptionist if that meant bad news…which she of course told me she didn’t know.

Dr. Jones called and asked if I were driving and told me to sit down. I asked her immediately if it was bad news. She told me it was very bad…that it was cancer. I asked her if it was breast cancer, and she replied “oh yes and it’s bad”. I felt like the blood had drained from my head to my toes and I ran cold. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I asked her what that meant for me and she said you will probably have to have chemotherapy, radiation, and most likely a mastectomy. I was writing this down and I kept looking at those words in horror…Chemo? Radiation? Mastectomy? Right then my baby started crying and her pager went off. She told me she would call me right back. That’s when I started crying. I went back into the kitchen and doubled over to my knees by the kitchen counter. I couldn’t control my emotions. My little girls were there and they started crying because I was. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop. I just held them and we all cried.

The phone rang again and it was Dr. Jones calling me back. I still couldn’t stop crying. She said “I know this is a shock…it was to me too. I just didn’t think it was cancer, I am so sorry”. She told me I needed to get into an Oncologist by Friday and start treatment immediately. Apparently the tumor that was removed was aggressive and large. She asked me if there was a preference of what Oncologist I would want to go to…I didn’t even know what an oncologist was! She said she would have her office call and make an appointment and call me back. She gave me the names of two doctors in town and I picked Dr. Shull…I am so glad I did!

Next I called my husband and managed to get out the words…”it’s breast cancer”. Luckily he was working in town. He said he would be right home and hung up. Next I tried calling my Mom and Dad. They didn’t answer. I left a crying message to call me back as soon as possible. They called back very shortly and my Mom had just seen my name on caller ID and not heard my message. I said “Mom, its breast cancer”. I will never forget her response. It sounded like I had kicked the wind out of her. She let out this painful gasp of air and said “Oh Dana No”. I cried as I tried to explain what the doctor had told me but I could barely get the words out…let alone the words “breast cancer”. What scary words. I was hysterical and as usual, even though she was in shock and pain, she calmed me down and helped me get a hold of myself, only the way my Mom can do. We talked a while and she told me she would tell my Dad and call me back later. My Mom said to me “ I wish I could take this from you”. I remember telling her now that I was a mother, hopefully I was the one taking it for my girls…I know my Mom would have taken it from me if she could.

Next I called my sister Lynne who lives fifteen minutes way. I told her it was cancer, her reaction was “Oh no you’re kidding me”. She asked if I wanted her to come down…I told her I did. I needed to talk to people and I needed loved ones around me. Next I called my friend Becky and told her. I asked if her and Alan could come over and Alan could help Brent give me a blessing. She was very matter of fact and calm, but she came over and offered comfort and told me I would be okay. Alan and Brent gave me a blessing, which was of great comfort.

When Brent came home he just hugged me and asked if I was okay. I know he was in shock and I can’t remember if he cried. Dr. Jones’s office called back and said I could get into the Oncologist in the next hour at 3:00 pm. I needed to go…I needed answers…I needed to know. I took the appointment and Lynne took the kids.

We went to Dr. Shulls’s office that afternoon. I was scared to death. I remember the office staff was so nice and friendly. The nurse Patsy took my vital signs and set me in a waiting room to see the doctor. He came right in. He was young, friendly and direct. I was relieved.

Dr. Shull began going over my pathology report with us. I know I didn’t understand most of it, but it sounded very scary and hopeless. I had a tumor the size of an orange…off the scale. Tumors are measured on a scale of 1-5 in terms of centimeters….mine was a 10. On a scale of 1-9 in terms of aggressiveness, mine was a 9. The tumor had gone to my lymph system, and was not estrogen sensitive. The odds seemed against me.

I kept thinking “they have the wrong person…they kept telling me this was nothing…now it’s cancer!” It was a surreal moment and my mind felt muddled. I was crying uncontrollably. Dr. Shull was very reassuring that he would do everything he could. He stated “I want you to die an old lady of something else.” What a cool way to put it. I instantly trusted him.

Next Dr. Shull told me I would probably not be able to have more children because chemotherapy usually causes young women to go into early menopause. I was devastated and began crying again. That news was almost harder to hear than being told I had cancer. We had always felt there was one more child that belonged in our family.

This year we had gone back and forth about getting pregnant again…it just didn’t feel right. When we planned our two girls we KNEW instinctively when to get pregnant. We had not felt that same feeling this year and went back and forth, now we know why. Can you imagine finding out you had cancer while being pregnant. I feel this part of my life is truly in the Lord’s hands. If we never have more children I feel SO VERY BLESSED to have the three girls I do. I have a beautiful stepdaughter, and two girls of my own. I will never regret what I have!!

After the doctor went over all the reports he set up additional tests he wanted to have done at the hospital. It was Memorial Day weekend and we were to meet with him again on Tuesday to go over the test results.

We left Dr. Shull’s office and I knew I needed to make more phone calls and inform people of my “news.” I remember thinking… “Should I tell people, maybe they have the wrong person”. Then I would think “No, I saw my name on the report and he told me I had cancer.” I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I called my boss, who is a great guy. I told him I had breast cancer and then burst into tears once again. I told him I would need to take some time off. Of course he was gracious and told me not to worry about a thing. He told me I could do what ever I felt needed to be done and he would support me all the way. I was relieved.

I decided to call my sister Leigh next with the news. She was very upset and started crying hysterically. I knew she was under considerable stress at the time, but it scared me because it made it real that I had cancer. I felt overwhelmed and frightened. When she calmed down and absorbed the news she offered comfort. She also offered anything I needed and was very caring. Next, I left a message for my best friend April to call me back. She called back while I was gone so my husband told her about the diagnosis. I talked with her later that night and we cried and cried. She said she wanted to take it for me and would do anything I needed. What a friend. I felt love and support from the people whom I cared about the most.

When I got home that night after a long, excruciatingly, and mentally draining day I had several messages on my machine of well-wishers and people wanting to know what was going on. I spent the rest of the night calling people I felt needed to know. I called my visiting teacher Kristy from church and told her the news. We are in the Relief Society Presidency together. She was in shock like the rest. She wanted to know what she could do. I went over the story about what had happened and I got calmer every time I told it. I was starting to be able to use the word breast cancer, and I got a little less weepy and calmer each time I recounted the information. I called my Relief Society President. She was so helpful and offered service like the rest. I continued to call people from the ward I felt needed to know, each one offered prayers and service. They offered anything I might need.

By the end of the night I was drained to my very core. I couldn’t make one more call. I decided to email a few friends I felt deserved to know, but that I hadn’t talked to in a while. I emailed several people as tactfully as I could and broke the news. Again, the response was tremendous and supportive from the amazing people in my life. I received calls, emails, and cards. I was overwhelmed by the support I was receiving…I truly didn’t think people would care as much as they did. I felt waves of peace and gratitude.

That night although I was completely drained and could no longer cry…Yet, I could not sleep. I spent the night praying like I have never prayed. I truly felt a peace that everything would be okay. I knew in my heart why I was experiencing this trial and I became aware of some of the lessons I was to learn. I recalled a prayer I had offered a couple of weeks earlier that I could overcome some of my shortcomings and that I would be shown my weaknesses. I told the Lord I would do what it takes to change them…little did I know it would take something like cancer to change those things I promised to change. I still vow to change them and pray I can learn what I need to. I believe with all my heart all things happen for a purpose. Another woman cancer survivor sent me a card and in it she wrote…”the Lord does not send us to earth to fail, he sends us to overcome trials and learn lessons, and find great happiness”. That I believe to be true.

Through out the week I continued to receive calls from people. We received goodies on our doorstep, meals, cards, gifts…but most of all people offering prayers and putting our names on the temple prayer roll. That meant the very most. I felt that was one thing I couldn’t do alone. I needed the prayers from good, faithful people in my behalf…what peace and comfort that brought and continues to bring. The ward offered a fast in my name, which was very humbling. I felt so grateful, so loved, so supported through what I knew would be one of the most difficult times in my life. I felt people circle around me…I can’t describe what that felt like and continues to feel like. I am blessed.

I emailed a dear friend of mine Shelley to call me when she got a chance. I didn’t have her current cell phone number. She called early the next morning and wanted to know what was wrong. She sensed something wasn’t right. I told her about the cancer and she said, “I’ll be right up and hung up”…a three hour drive to my house. And she did, she arrived three hours later and offered her love and support. Again…I felt blessed.

Over the next couple days I had several scans done, including a CT scan, heart Doppler, and PET scan. Dr. Shull also wanted to do a bone scan since I had just started having pain in my lower back. Waiting for that test was probably the most anxiety provoking. If the cancer had spread to my bones I felt that my prognosis would be even worse. The radiologist read the scan and immediately told us he didn’t see a problem…what a huge relief! Once again, I was very blessed to have Shelley and Lynne there to help watch my girls while I was at the hospital and doctors’ offices.

That weekend we went to my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary in Utah, 3 hours from home. I was worried about my news overshadowing this exciting event. The party went beautifully and it felt great to be around loved ones and friends. I was so proud of my parents and their accomplishment of staying married for 50 years and showing us such an amazing example of love and dedication. Again, I felt encircled by people who wanted the best for me. I have learned we truly are all connected together. I can now see the importance of eternal families. How grateful I am for that knowledge. As a family we were able to all attend the temple together. I felt the Holy Spirit so strong and the prayer circle brought greater meaning than ever before….mostly knowing my name was on that roll and those faithful people were praying in my behalf. Tears streamed down my face….tears of gratitude.

Spending time with my family was so refreshing and comforting. We were able to laugh and cry…and even make jokes. I wanted people to be at ease and not feel uncomfortable around me. Laughing is what I know to do…so laughing is what we did. We had a great weekend. I felt rejuvenated enough to go back to the doctor on Tuesday and face the music. I have a wonderful family, wonderful parents, darling nieces and nephews, amazing friends.

When we came home and went back to Dr. Shulls office for test results. The PET scan showed a 4 cm tumor left in my breast, but it was undetermined if it was cancer or scar tissue from the lumpectomy. I also had another 1 cm tumor in my first lympnoid. The Doppler of my heart showed it was strong. And like I said before the bone scan was clear. We set up a treatment plan and decided to start me on chemo in two days. I would receive Adramyican and Cytocin for four rounds, then I would be switched to Taxol for four more treatments.

So here I am. I have one more treatment in two weeks. I had one today…I am almost done!! I have never been so glad for summer to be over in my life. I am especially grateful it is cooling off and the heat is subsiding. Even though I have cancer, I have learned a million lessons in such a short period of time. I heard a saying I may have written before, but it really says it all. It goes, “Through adversity you can either become bitter or better”…I will choose to become BETTER.

Good News!!

I got great news today! I had the genetic testing done for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes....and I was negative! The test took a month to process, what a long wait! The recommendations for positive results would have been a double radical mastectomy and radical hysterectomy to remove the ovaries. The breast cancer genes help determine ovarian cancer as well. I was so relieved! The doctor told me the news and I started crying and hugged him. That is one worry off my mind... and that also means the chances my daughters will struggle with breast cancer is lower now too.

Prayer really does work! I am grateful for some good news! What a relief! I only have two more chemo treatments, then surgery. They will determine if I will need another lumpectomy or a mastectomy then.

New Title: Journey through Hell...

I have decided I should rename my blog from 'Journey through Breast Cancer' to 'My Journey through Hell'. That's certainly how I have felt the past few days. This treatment has been so rough, I literally wanted to die. I started getting hot flashes again Monday afternoon and couldn't get comfortable. One minute I would be drenched with sweat, the next I would be freezing, kind of like the flu. I wasn't in too much pain and thought I had lucked out this treatment.... boy was I wrong. I woke up at 2 am throwing up and spiking a temp just like a month ago when I went into the hospital. I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. I was so absolutely miserable! I was in SO much pain I couldn't move my body. My legs felt like they had been broken and I had stabbing pain all over my body. I couldn't keep any anti-nausea medications down, so that meant no pain meds would stay down either.

My husband called the Oncologist office early and they told him to bring me up. I was so mad, first, because I could barely walk and the thought of getting dressed wore me out. Second, I was afraid I would be admitted to the hospital again. He finally got me to agree to go and took me up there. They got me in a bed, put in an I.V. and gave me pain medication and anti-nausea meds. I felt much better after being re-hydrated...the morphine didn't hurt either :)

The staff there is excellent and so nice! I love Snake River Oncology as much as you can like a place like that! Dr. Shull is awesome! Not to mention my bill will hopefully be a lot less that the $5000 hospital bill I just received from last month!! The receptionist also made a kind comment to me. She said she has worked in the medical field for 15 years and she has never met a husband that is as supportive and caring as mine. Her and another lady in the office went on about how kind and caring Brent is. I felt so grateful again for such a great husband. He has been my rock. He has been there for me every step of the way and he still manages to find time to work full-time and still be a great Dad to his girls. I love you Brent!

My sister Lynne came over that morning and took my kids for a couple of days. It was such a relief to know she had them and they were being taken care of, and I didn't have to worry. I knew I couldn't do it. As a mother...that is the worst feeling knowing you can't care for you children. It's a mixture of guilt, frustration, and sorrow...even humiliation. I am grateful for those who help us in our time of need. Words can't express my gratitude.

Today, I have relaxed and rested. My sister still has the girls. When I talked to them they told me they wanted to stay and play at Aunt Lynnie's. Maybe it's because she lets them eat ice cream and chocolate for lunch...or that they know they are loved. Either one I am relieved.

I have been writing about my experience of being told of my diagnosis and having to tell others. I will try and post it soon. I am also still waiting to hear back on my genetic testing. I have been very concerned about the results because of the indications it would have on my surgery... which is coming up. If I have both the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes that means a double radical mastectomy at age 32, plus removal of my ovaries. It's a lot to consider. But, for now only two more chemo treatments!! Yeah!!!

Roller Coasters and Wedding Dresses

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...one of those old rickety ones that shake as you're going up the big hills that you fear might breakdown in the middle of the ride. One minute I am feeling better emotionally and physically. The next I'm screaming going down a huge hill on the roller coaster. I have been so weepy this weekend. I don't know whether to blame it on the chemo, the medications, hormones, depression. I layed in bed last night and cried myself to sleep worrying. I don't trust my emotions, my instinct, or what others think will happen to me. For so long everyone was telling me "it's not cancer". Then it turned out to be cancer, now everyone is telling me..."don't worry, you're going to live through this". What do I believe? I feel scared and hopeless at times. I try and keep a positive attitude, but it's hard when I feel like I'm facing my mortality, and I'm not ready. I feel alone and isolated like no one understands what I'm feeling...not just the physical pains, but the emotional ones.

I worry about my children the most. Will I be there to see them go to kindergarten? Prom? Graduation? College? Marriage? Will I be there to help them make big life decisions? Will I be there to teach them what they need to know to make it in this life? Will I be here to help them pick out their prom dresses...wedding dresses? I'm scared, I want to be here.

The stress is getting to both my husband and I. He tries not to show it, but I know. Trust me I know. Figuring out how to pay all the medical bills and living paycheck to paycheck is enough to slam down anyone. Just getting to the day to day things are a burden. I try to have faith, but I'm worried and falling short. My husband tries to reassure me...but he doesn't know what's going to happen, nobody knows....no one but the Lord. I guess I need to have faith and give the rest to him...there's nothing more I can do.

A Better Day

I wanted to write because today was a much better day than yesterday! My sister-in-law came over today and we got the kids lunch and took them to the river for a picnic and to feed the geese. It felt SO good to get out of the house and watch the girls run and play. I felt a million times better today...I actually felt a live and well. It's amazing to me that one day I can feel like I'm on the brink of death and the next I felt alive, I feel "good".

I loved watching my beautiful girls feed the geese. My two year old would scream with excitment everytime one ate her bread. My four year old was off trying to feed a squirl. It wasn't too hot and the day was beautiful. I felt fulfilled as a mother watching my girls have fun, get fresh air, and excercise. They are my reason to live and and get well. Tonight after my husband got home we took them to the park. They played hard and we enjoyed watching and playing with them. It was a good day. Anytime I feel good enough to go out is a good day.

People are kind. They watch me, they either smile kindly or hurry and look away. I don't wear a wig....I hate the thing. I mostly wear scarves or hats or turban type hearwear. I feel more comfortable that way. The wig feels like a tight pair of jeans on my head and gives me a roaring headache! It's hot and itchy and I feel like it looks "fake". I have gotten used to just wearing a hat. It's been interesting watching other's reactions to me. I almost don't even notice anymore. I'm a pretty self-assured person so it really hasn't bothered me, it has just taught me a good life lesson on how to treat others who are different.

Another thing I wanted to mention was my photostream on Flickr. I finally got some pictures up if anyone is interested. They are on a group called "Too Sexy for my Hair". It's a great site for people who have cancer. The link is: http://flickr.com/photos/51176089@N00/
I want to hear your comments!

I must go to bed! Goodnight!

Wishing it were September!

Today...like the last few have been incredibly boring and frustrating. My kids are crawling up the walls and so am I. Church arranged for people to take the kids for a few hours a day. Today, no one showed and we all could have used a break. They are as irritable as I feel. Or maybe that's the other way around. I feel so guilty that I can't take them places like I used to like swimming or to the park. I feel like I can hardly function. Just keeping them fed and dressed is a miracle some days. I try to always make sure they are bathed and their hair is done. I fear people will think "Oh, poor kids...their Mom has cancer...she just can't take care of them". Just writing that makes me want to cry.

My four year old knows I can't chase her to make her do what is asked...and she is getting more and more whinny and defiant. I don't know what to do...I could use a visit from the "Super Nanny". Some days I just feel helpless...worthless. I want to fight this ugly disease so I can raise my children...in the mean time raising them is harder than ever. I do love those little stinkers more than life it's self.

I feel like my patience is running thin and my sense of humor is drying out. Only three more treatments...

Taxol

I just started a new chemo drug called Taxol on Thursday. I don't feel as sick to my stomach like I did on the A/C but I feel so much more tired and achy. I keep getting little stabbing pains in my extremities and my hands and feet are killing me. The day after treatment, I could barely walk. I have this rash that runs on the inside of my arms and my face. I am SOO tired I can't even describe it. I slept for the past two days. Thank good my niece and husband have been home to take care of the kids. I feel helpless at times. My mind is willing...but my body won't follow!

I got this killer package from a woman in California that administrates the website on Flikr called "I'm too sexy for my Hair". Her name is Lori Miller and she is a cancer survivor as well. She is so inspiring. She sent me some Burt's Bees stuff for hands and feet, some awesome slippers, and a personalized Voodoo Doll. It was so totally great! I could tell she has been through this treatment just by the package. The lotions helped so much with the sensitive skin and the slippers with the sores on my feet. Oh great wisdom of those who have passed before me!

My sister's family came by tonight to pick up my niece that stayed with us this week. We had a great time catching up and laughing. I just need to laugh sometimes about this crazy situation...or I would explode! We had a good time. It was so helpful to have McKenna help with the girls. I hope she wasn't bored out of her mind. Anyway, we appreciated her willingness to serve our family!

I need to get, yet, some more sleep...I have no control. When it hits, I go lay down. My body quits functioning whether I like it or not. So, off I go to bed! Goodnight!

A Trip to the ER

This week-end didn't turn out like it was suppose to...that's for sure! We went to Utah because we were going to take the girl's to Lagoon, paid by Brent's firm. I was just going to relax at my sister's and not do a thing. We got there Friday night and I started getting hot flashes and then cold chills. I woke up about 2 am throwing up and couldn't stop. My temp went up to 102...which is a "no no" when you're on chemo so we called the on-call doctor. They told me to go to the ER because of the low white count thing. I was so sick I can hardly describe it. I was so weak I could barely get up the stairs to get to the car. My legs were almost totally numb. On the way to the hospital I did a lot of praying, I was so sick and uncomfortable. When we got there, the nurses were less than helpful, let alone compassionate! I was disheartened to be treated so poorly when I was so sick and vulnerable. What a helpless feeling. We stayed in the ER from 7:30 am to around 4 pm...that makes for a very long day. They gave me nausea medication and antibiotics because my blood count was so low. I was so uncomfortable and "knocked out" from all the drugs and throwing up. I was humiliated because I was wheeled around the hospital with the little robe on and just my bald head. I couldn't get my body to move and I felt utter frustration. I made a vow to my Heavenly Father that I would take better care of my body and get my health back. Mostly that means I will lose this weight and care for my body the way it deserves to be treated. I felt like an 80 year old woman. I can not continue to abuse my body and think it won't affect me because "I'm young". I put garbage into it daily and expect it to function well, let alone fight cancer!! I FINALLY GOT IT!! You get back what you put it! I saw and felt it first hand this week-end. I vow today things change! They admitted me overnight to watch for infection. I slept most of the time...I was so tired and wrung-out! Brent was amazing. He was right by my side helping me every inch of the way! He was attentive and caring. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring husband! My best friend April and Matt came to visit and Matt helped Brent administer...what a great comfort. My sister Leigh took the kids to Lagoon and my other sister took my youngest overnight. It was so helpful and comforting to know they were being taken care of and at least got to have some fun.

I got out of the hospital Sunday afternoon. I still felt pretty weak so I slept most of the day. By today thought I felt almost "normal". I even felt good enough to help my sister with an organization project. It still wasn't the week-end we had planned, but it was good to be able to spend some time with family!

Another Day

Just another hot, boring day. I haven't felt too great today...mostly tired and worn down to the core. Thank goodness for my step-daughter who has been so helpful today with her little sisters. I have been taking steroids for the fatigue and nausea...but man they make me feisty! Ask my husband. I feel like I have no control over my body and its functions. I want to eat crappy, then I feel crappy, and I have no energy to exercise. My body doesn't do what my mind wants it to. On thing I desire to get out of this "cancer experience" is to truly, truly learn control over my body and its passions and desires. Things that should be simple like taking better and more consistent care of my body and emotions. Eating better, exercising, taking time for me...all those things that have slowly been put by the way side.

I was able to take my parents to the Oncologist's office today and meet the staff and the doctor. My Dad seemed a little apprehensive about seeing where his daughter is being treated for cancer. But he came along. I think it was helpful for my Mom to see what was happening to me, since she can't always be here. It was sad to see them go today. They have brought me great comfort...by just being here. I have loved watching them with my children and see their little relationships blossom.

My little two years old is really growing up and changing and watching her has brought me great joy this summer. I am very blessed to have three beautiful girl’s! I hope they know how much I love them. Paige gives me the biggest kisses and says “Love you Mommy”…enough to melt me! I must beat this disease!! I get scared that I won't, but I have got to...if not for me....for them!!

Roses

Today was a special day. A young girl (eleven years old) from our church decided she wanted to do something to help me out since I have cancer. She decided to do a fundraiser on my behalf by doing a little daycare where parents could come and drop off there kids for two hours and she had activities set up for them to do. The parents paid their kids to be watched and she donated that money to us for medical bills. Today they brought over a bouquet of roses in a vase with all the money tied around in it. It was adorable!! She had raised a $130.00!! Can you believe that!!??

It was so touching to see such a young girl looking for ways to help others and I was deeply touched and impressed that she would do that for me and my family. I got emotional...I still can't believe how amazing and supportive people have been! I hope she realized what a good thing she did and I hope she realized she made a difference, not just with money, but by restoring faith that people are good and so are the youth! She made a difference in my life!

I feel very blessed and grateful for good people. I hope one day I can return the favor to those around me. I have learned so much about people and their goodness. Even through this crisis I have witnessed such compassion and love from people I hardly know. I hope to become one of those people.

It has been so nice to have my parents here this week. It is comforting to have my Mom just to talk to and just be myself. We were able to get out for an hour and shop a little today, felt nice to be among the living. We went out to dinner and rented a funny movie...it lifted my spirit. It is also so rewarding to watch my children interact with Grandma and Grandpa. I have worried with them living out of state that they wouldn't get to know their amazing Grandparents. To watch them is so rewarding. Paige learned a new trick on the swing set and Addie learned to go down the slide backwards! They were so proud of themselves...and so was I!

Tonight, I am tired and I feel the poison pulse through my veins...a sensation I can't really describe. It wears me out. Nothing physically brings me pleasure...not food, sleep, nothing. I guess that is where my perspectives have changed. True happiness and peace is not physical it's emotional and spiritual...it really is. It's too bad it had to take cancer for me to see that...but I am grateful I see it now. I believe if I don't "get this" now...I won't get it. I am trying.

July 17, 2005 Mom and Dad in town!

Today has been a pretty good day. I am starting to feel the effects of the chemo, but I was able to function okay today. I got up and went to church and stayed for all the meetings. I felt okay, maybe a little run down. Mom and Dad came into town last night. They are staying at my sister's 15 minutes away at night, then they will come here during the day. It feels so nice to have them here. They are on a mission for our church this summer, but are able to take a few days off to come over and help with the kids. There's nothing like having your Mom around when your not feeling well. She is a great Mom. I am grateful to have such good parents!

I am not as discouraged this round so far. I was so drained last time. I am feeling pretty optimistic about things. It is so frustrating when your mind is willing...but your body won't cooperate! I feel like an old woman. I am trying to have a postive attitude...I really am.

Tonight I was watching my girls play outside with Grandpa and it made me realize how important those moments really are. I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I do now. How grateful I am for that change of perspective.

That's all I wanted to write tonight. Good night

A Pretty Good Day.

I have had an okay day today. My parents are here from out of state for 5 days! They are here to help me with the kids when I hit my bad days at the first of the week. I am thirty two years old and having my Mom and Dad near still brings me such great comfort. No one understands me like my Mom and she is a great woman. They hadn't seen me bald until tonight. They tried not to act shocked, but I could tell it was "weird" for them. Who am I kidding...it's still weird for me. I am growing more confident in public though and it feels good to not have to worry about it too much and how I look.

I am getting more done this week-end than I thought I would be able to. I have had more energy since I was put on the steroids. They do make me a little edgy...just ask my hubbies (poor guy). I get this nesting feeling right before I go in for chemo where I feel like I have to have EVERYTHING in total order, because I know I will be down for a good 5-6 days at a time. I have to have my kids things in order, laundry, meals for the week, house cleaning, bills all done a head of time just so I don't get behind. Brent is a wonderful help and really steps up! What a guy!

I am exhausted tonight, but my mind is running a million miles an hour. I guess I better call it a night. One other thing I wanted to add was the wonderful support of people who have been there for me and my family! People from church, friends, and family. I feel so lucky and blessed! My sister Ann has sent me a card or a package nearly every week to cheer me on. Friends have sent kind cards and emails weekly. I can't begin to tell you how much your love and support gets me through. Thank you all! I love and appreciate you!

Love, Dana

Another Chemo Day

I got thought another round of chemo today! I am half way through this mess! I still can't believe I am dealing with cancer, and chemo, and deciding what to do about genetic testing. That subject of genetic testing has been weighing on my mind a lot this past week. I think if I find out that I do have the BC gene mutation, then I will go ahead and have a radical double mastectomy. I can't imagine going through this all over ten years down the road and chance it reoccurring and metastasizing. That is a big worry for me....especially being so young and having young children. My doctor talked with us about it today and explained a ton of my questions. He was honest about it and told me straight up if I react the "incurable" stage...he will tell me and we deal with it head on. I appreciated his honesty! I fell safer knowing I will, and have been dealt with honestly!

Tonight I am feeling "yuck". I am tired and my body feels like it weighs a million pounds...but I can't sleep! I am dreading the upcoming week. I wish it were September and I could be done. I start Taxol the next round I have heard it's worse, and then I have heard it's not as bad as Adrimyician. I guess I just have to find out and see. I am bummed because Deon my chemo buddy finished her chemo today. I will miss chatting with her and having her as a support in the chair. We are planning to go to dinner with our husbands when we both get feeling better.

I am trying be optimistic and hopeful, but I have had a lot of anxiety and worries. All the "what if's". I know for my own health I need to knock it off...but I am also a realistic person that needs to know what is going on so I can make a plan. I feel so "up in the air". This is not what I had planned this summer! :)

I really need to try and get some sleep...but I also know that is what I will be doing for the next week.

"I will survive...I will not lay down and die...oh no not I"...my new theme song!!

Goodnight!

My diagnosis...Breast Cancer

My name is Dana, and I am a 32 year old married mother of three young girls. I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 6 weeks ago. My life has changed dramatically in that short amount of time since being faced with the treatment of my cancer. I have decided to record my experience for several different reasons! I want other women who may be going through a similar experience to seek appropriate treatment and to be their own best advocate! If you feel like something is wrong…DON’T GIVE UP! Find someone who will listen!! I also want and need to write out my feelings and experiences...Mostly so I won't blow up! With that said...I will start from the top.

I went into a very large women's clinic in our town (Idaho Falls, Idaho) a year ago last March (2004) complaining there was a small lump in the ductal area in my left breast. I couldn't get into see a doctor so I was put in with a nurse practitioner. She told me the lump was nothing to worry about and that cancer started in the back of the breast...She even showed me pictures. ...What!…Ductile carcinoma is the number one type of breast cancer. She told me it was probably a clogged milk duct, even though I hadn't been nursing my baby for over 6 months. No follow up...nothing! So, because I trusted her and didn't know better...I didn't think about it again.

I went to this same clinic several times throughout out 2004 complaining of fatigue and various other symptoms. I went in for my yearly exam in September (2004). At that time I had my regular breast exam. The lump was not checked, even though after obtaining my medical records, it should have been. Again, I couldn't get into a doctor, nor the same nurse practitioner...I had to see an entirely new person. This NP kept putting me on different medications for depression and fatigue without little investigative work on what the real cause may have been ( a large growing tumor). I even got a referral to a psychiatrist for the "depression".

By the following February (2005) I was experiencing severe chest pain and I had a sore area in the same breast I found the first lump. The area was tender to touch and begun rapidly growing into a hard mass. I went in one last time to this same clinic to have it checked. I told her it felt like mastitis or like my milk was coming in. My baby was 20 months old and I hadn't breast feed her since she was 2 months old. The same NP told me there was nothing suspicious and not to worry about it. She actually told me to go home and run my breast under warm water and gave me a referral to a cardiologist for the chest pain!! This is a practitioner at a WOMEN'S CLINIC!

From February to April the mass begun growing even more rapidly and was so sore that I couldn't touch it. I am very large breasted to begin with so when I started becoming lopsided, I knew the mass had to be very large and growing rapidly! My husband demanded I go get a second opinion. I felt frustrated and didn't know where to go. The largest women's clinic in our town had told me SEVERAL times it was nothing to worry about.

One night while watching TV, we came across a commercial for a new OB/GYN Margaret Huggins M.D. , who had relocated from California and was taking new patients. I called her the next day and was seen immediately! She examined the mass in my breast and referred me to get testing done THAT DAY! I was sent to get an ultrasound, mammogram, and ultimately a biopsy. All three tests did show the large mass growing in my breast...But did not show CANCER!!! Even the biopsy didn't show cancer. The pathologist even called me a couple days later to tell me the tissue examined was fiber changes in my breast as well as scar tissue, but not to worry because it wasn't cancer. Dr. Huggins, thankfully had the insight to call a local surgeon Dr. Judy Jones who specialists in breast surgery and consulted with her about having the large mass removed regardless of what it was. I shutter to think of what would have happened if she didn’t!

Since I was told it was nothing to worry about I put off going in to Dr. Jones for a couple of weeks. After meeting with her, she urged me to have the mass removed and thought there may be a possible abscess to drain due to the size and tenderness. I scheduled surgery three days later. I am so grateful I did...The mass was a cancerous tumor the size of an orange measuring 10 cm across!! I was diagnosed with infiltrating ductile carcinoma on May 25, 2005...A day I will never forget.