Speak Up, Be Heard

Thursday was one of my last treatment check-ups with my radiation oncologist. Of course I have to go back to my regular oncologist every three months for two years. However, this was my last "re-check" after treatment from all of my cancer team doctors! My doc said things looked good and didn't see anything unusual! I really didn't have a lot of questions because I had just met with my surgeon. I did talk to him about the stabbing pain I was having in my breast. He told me that was very typical in about 10% of BC survivors and could last for up to a year. I was concerned because it was the same pain I had when my tumor was growing. He did reassure me I would be watched very closely and I needed to note anything unusual and be aware of any changes.

If there is one message I could get out there...it would "to be your own best advocate"! Doctors have amazing technology...thank goodness. However, we depend on them to take care of us. And they depend on us to let them know what's going on. A lot of the time we expect them to "know" and to "treat"...and they don't without our prompting! If you feel something is wrong...don't just "shut up" because they say nothing is there...speak up, be heard!

I am slowly gaining momentum. I still feel tired and run down, but my energy increases daily. I still get run down quickly and I still feel weak. Today, I feel like I might be getting the flu. I have stabbing pain in my extremities, like I did when I was on Taxol. It freaks me out and it hurts! I don't know if it's a side effect from the chemo that I will have forever or what!

My husband said yesterday "isn't it weird to think you have an oncologist". I had to agree on the weirdness factor. All this seems like a dream sometimes, that is until I look in the mirror and my short, crazy hair! I wonder if I'll ever get back to "normal"...especially my brain and my cognition. I joke with my oncologist about it. He says it wasn't there to begin with (I really can't argue too much on that one)...but my brain power has definitly decreased.

Anyway, today I had a milestone happen. We put our baby, who is two and a half in a big girl bed and put the crib away! She was so excited and proud of herself. It's nice to move forward, but it kinda tugged at my heart strings. My baby is growing up. I don't know that we'll have more...or that we can have more. Or that I can handle one more! I just checked on her and she is snug as a bug...what an angel!

Well, I suppose there is much more I could write about, but as usual I am exhaused! I will write more soon. I have received some feedback and emails from people who live here in Idaho Falls who are having problems with BC or other cancer issues and are wondering about doctors, etc. I would love to talk to anyone who is going through this "journey". I am
here and you are not alone!

My curly hair is back

I am here...mostly in body...my mind is elsewhere! I have been busy and struggling to get my butt back into shape these days! I haven't made it to the gym today because my little one is sick with the croup. I plan to go tonight after my hubby gets home. I may not workout very long or hard...but I am working out!!

A friend of mine and I decided to email each other our food and exercise journals everyday. It really has made a difference on my food choices knowing someone else is going to analyze them. It has motivated me to get back on the wagon and move to the back! It really helps to have a "diet buddy".

Another dear friend of mine who has lost a lot of weight has really motivated me to keep my eye on the goal. She says she feels better than she has in years! I just need to remind myself to focus on the future outcome. It's frustrating when you don't see a change in the scale, even when I feel better and my clothes fit better! I have to remind myself it took years to put this "fat suit" on...it's going to take a while to take it off.

On another topic...my hair is getting so "long", I need a HAIRCUT!!! It is starting to curl and is sticking out all over the place. It needs some serious help! But, let me tell you, I am glad to have HAIR! I'm just not so sure what to do with it!

I am finally feeling well enough this past week I am starting to tackle some projects around the house I have ignored, oh, the past 9 months. I have felt so miserable and tired through all this cancer business. When we feel good we take that for granted. I will never take health and energy for granted again! When I have energy I feel like a million bucks! Now I wish I could focus my mushy mind!

The Final Countdown

Today I went to my final check-up with my fabulous surgeon Dr. Judy Jones. She is fantastic. She did a breast exam (really who hasn't in this little town) and didn't find anything suspicious!! She wanted me to go
ahead and schedule a baseline mammogram next month after the swelling had gone down from the radiation. The baseline mammogram is so the doctors can monitor for any changes in the breast to watch for a reoccurrence. I was glad to hear that. I am the type of person that wants to follow my healthcare very vigilantly. It actually helps me to relax to have the tests done and know there aren't any tumors lurking out there.

Dr. Jones' recommendations today were to continue to lose the weight and she was adamant I exercise 3-4 a week aerobically. She wants me to start off easy with walking for 20 minutes and slowly working up to a full workout. That I can do. I just read an article tonight-about exercise and its effects on women's health that have had breast cancer. It was a motivating article. She also recommended an antioxidant called Selenium with my daily vitamins and an Aspirin everyday as part of my medication regiment.

I felt very motivated to take better care of my body when I left her office. I felt I could follow her recommendations and take care of my health and myself. She really is a fantastic surgeon. If it weren't for her persistence, I may not be here!

Another thing I wanted to write about was this past weekend my stepdaughter who goes to school in Rigby had her school principal die from breast cancer. She was staying with us this weekend and her stepsister called to tell Faith the news. I was looking at the caller ID and asked Faith why her sister had called her. She said, "Because Mrs. Powell died yesterday". I felt sick. Mrs. Powell went through treatment last year for Breast CA and was doing very well. She was there for back to school night in September and had hair. Apparently it came back and she went down hill quickly. My heart goes out to her family and her students who loved her. I asked Faith if it scared her. She said yes and I told her it scared me to. I wish I could have told her not to worry and everything would be okay, but I couldn't...I just couldn't. I was scared to death.

I went in my bedroom and locked the door and bawled. Brent, who wasn't home at the time came home and asked me what was wrong. I told him I knew about Mrs. Powell and expressed my terror that, that could happen to me too. I had him give me a blessing of comfort. It's scary.

I made him talk to Faith about it and process some of those feelings with her. I just knew she needed to talk about it, but I couldn't do it. Brent is a good dad! Faith's mom is also a social worker and I hope they can talk more about it. Her mom has been very supportive through all of this...which had makes my relationship with Faith a lot easier. Infact, a few months ago, her Mom did a fundraiser for me to help us with medical bills and Christmas. Pretty amazing huh!

Anyway, I am tired as sin tonight...so off to bed I go

Demand Letter

I have some well...satisfying news. Last week my husband, who is attorney, sent a demand letter to the clinic who failed to diagnose me for over a year with stage three breast cancer. They actually called him back within a WEEK. The clinic reported they had received the letter and held a meeting with everyone involved to discuss my case.

First off, they told my husband they were sorry for all I had gone through! The man told my husband the primary practitioner who failed to treat me properly was in tears at the meeting. They also reported their practices on breast exams/screening have dramatically changed for the better. Everyone complaining of a lump will automatically be sent for a mammogram. I was sooooo pleased to hear this! I have feared for other women who may have been in my shoes going to this same clinic and being brushed off...only to have it be too late.

The man from the clinic asked my husband basically what we wanted. Brent told them what we expected. He told Brent the letter had been forwarded to their malpractice insurance carrier. We have no desire to go to court...but we WILL if needs be~ The lack of care was horrible!!

What I truly wanted was for the clinic to recognize their treatment was terribly lacking and the practitioners needed to be better supervised by the doctors!! Not only was treatment horribly lacking...the information I was given about breast cancer was WAY OFF TRACK! That scares me the worst! If I were to been diagnosed the FIRST time I went in with a beebe sized lump all this horrible, painful, and scary treatment could have been bi-passed BEFORE I reached stage three cancer with metastasis to the lymph nodes! I also now have a larger chance of reoccurrence (not that I plan on that...).

This sounds a little bitter. Truthfully I am happy they called and acknowledged a problem. They didn't take responsibility, I am certain due to impending litigation. But, I am happy a meeting was held and procedure was discussed. Maybe someone else can be saved from going down this awful road. Maybe too the medical staff will take a little more time to get to know their patients and provide quality care without cattle calling them through.

Anyway, I am feeling good...tired...but good. I am still waiting for the fatigue to lift. I have been getting a newsletter called the Cancer Crusade. In it it had this affirmation I would like to share:

Dear God,
I've been awfully hard on myself lately,
blaming myself for mistakes real and imagined,
and convincing myself that
they are the reasons I have cancer.
Please help me get past this.
Help me in my resolve to
build new healthy habits,
to forgive myself for my
old unhealthy ones,
and to live joyously in the moment
every moment for all the rest of my days.
Amen

I still struggle (and probably always will) with taking good care of my body. I do feel great guilt for this. I am still going to Weight Watchers and I will start back to the gym next week. I haven't lost anymore weight...just holding. I've got to hit it hard this week though. I have had a difficult time getting back on the wagon since the holidays. I CAN do it!!

No Title Available Due to Mush Brain

I can't even think of a title for this current blog...how sad is that! I am "as usual" tired with a very mushy brain. I am having a difficult time keeping a focused train of thought and forming an intelligible sentence these days. I still blame it on "chemo brain"...but I had a client say to me today "you can't use that crutch forever Dana". Ha Ha like heck I can't! I can if I want to...it sounds better than just being plan old loopy!

Work was "crazy" today as usual. Most of you know I am a mental health worker. I love what I do and I find the people I work with fascinating. Truly, I never have a dull day! I have been doing this work almost 10 years now and I find that every day something new comes up I haven't dealt with before. You know you're slipping a little when you have clients recommend a "vacation" at the state hospital for a few weeks. You know if I could sleep and they would do everything for me...I might just look into that! :)

My life is starting to get back into my true blue routine I had before I got sick. I am starting to get things back in order and organized. I made it to the library and have been reading interesting books that are NOT about cancer. CONFESSION: out of the eleven books I checked out three were about cancer. Not bad I think. I will read those last.

Life is starting to look a little more optimistic, even though life in Idaho Falls in January is a little bleak and depressing! I am starting to look forward to things like getting more involved in the new cancer foundation. I have also had a couple of local women email me with questions about breast cancer which I am more than happy to answer. Life always looks less scary when there is someone to talk to who has been down the road.

I am making more friends and contacts in this small community. It feels good to feel included and involved. As tired as I feel, it actually feels good to be busy and not focus on the fatigue. That too shall pass!! It better pass!!

Speaking of...off to bed I go. Did I mention I only gained a pound over the holidays! One freak'n pound! I was thrilled! I did a little happy dance at the scale. I think the Weight Watchers lady thought I had fallen off my rocker. So any who, back on the wagon I go. Losing weight is so hard! I really hate it...but I have got to do it! I will NOT be the stupid cancer patient who doesn't get it. By me staying fat is like a lung cancer patient smoking through their tracheotomy. My chances of reoccurrence go up the heavier I am. No thank YOU! I have had several people compliment me on the lose so far...you just wait until I am 50 pounds lighter and smoke'n :)

I am also starting back to the gym this month. I might be crawling on the treadmill 2 miles per hour...but I'll be move'n! I am woman...hear me roar!

Good Night!!

Late Night Blogging is good for the Soul

I haven't written much this week. I have been insanely busy and tired on top of that. By the looks of the clock, this entry isn't going to contain great words of wisdom...but maybe some gibberish about my life.

I have been more tired this week that I was the ENTIRE time through radiation. Which is REALLY tired! I feel like a zombie waiting for life to restart! I have so much to do and some much I want to achieve, but my body isn't cooperating with me. I am trying to have patience with myself, but I am harder on my self that anyone else! Brent and I have bickered a lot this weekend. I think we need a vacation away from kids and cancer. What I wouldn't do for a few days all to myself with no responsibility and be able to do anything I wanted without worrying about my family. I don't dare even dream about it because I can't fathom the fact that it could actually happen. I went to the Library and checked out 11 books. I intent to read every single one of them...but I will feel great guilt for doing so. Sleeping and reading...at least it's not drinking and elicit affairs right!

The Survival Movie

I just wanted everyone to have a chance to see the video clip...it's awesome and very touching. I bawled like a baby through the entire thing...because it truly hit home. Follow the link: www.thesurvivormovie.com

I also found a quote on their webpage that I adored:

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
--Eleanor Roosevelt

Pretty powerful huh!

My New Year's Resolutions

I have a lot of resolutions I want to make this year. Some I am already working on, others I have yet to tackle! Here we go...

PHYSICAL:

• NOT get cancer again :)

• Finish losing the weight. Back to Weight Watchers this week and I am starting back at the gym. Honestly, after having no energy and being sick for soooo long...I can't wait to get exercising again!!

• Continue to eat healthier and more balanced. Although this continues to be a huge challenge to me ( I am a stress/emotional eater/boredom/habitual ...blaa blaa blaa overeater). As I have said before, I refuse to be the stupid cancer patient that "didn't get it" and continue to neglect my health!!
  

SPIRITUAL:

• I truly want to be a better person. I want to serve others and reach out to others. I have been "served" so much this past year, I want to give back. I see the importance of this now more than ever after being the recipient for so long!

• I want to be a better mother/step-mom. I get so impatient and into the day to day "putting out fires" I forget to enjoy my girls. They really are so precious and fun. I worry about things that are beyond my control and I don't cherish them the way I want to. One of my biggest fears about cancer is not living to raise my girls. I have been given a second opportunity to that. My goal is to give it my all...and that includes not yelling so much!

• Be a better wife. I have a great husband. My relationship with him is so important, yet I don't give it the attention it needs. Now that I am feeling better...this has to become a top priority! Love ya babe

• I am LDS and I want to be a better Mormon woman. To be more detailed, I want to refine myself, polish off the rough patches. Okay, I know that's going to take some serious time...good thing I'm not terminal :)

• Quit my damn swearing. That was my last one! Seriously, I am getting better but I have got to let this one go! Part of the polishing!
  

MENTAL:

• To read more. I know this sounds weird, but my brain feels like mush and my comprehension is seriously lacking. They call it chemo brain...but come on seriously it's been three months. I need to do things to improve my concentration. Oh, I'm sorry I lost my focus for a sec. ....

• To get reorganized. I am usually very organized, but I haven't had the strength or time to be so. I want to get it "pulled back together" and put my house/life back in order and organize my self and time more efficiently! I guess that includes cleaning out the hall closet this week :(
  

EMOTIONAL:

• Try not to worry so much and have greater faith that "things" will be "okay". I am a huge worrier and emotionally it gets the best of me. I resolve to take it down a notch this year and CHILL OUT!
  

Okay, so this is a start. I have a lot of things I want/need to improve, but this is where I will start! Those of you who know me are shaking their heads in agreement!

I appreciate your love and support, I truly do! Happy New Year!!

Good Riddance

HAPPY NEW YEAR!! Good Riddance 2005...possibly the most unlucky, worst year of my life. Although I have learned and grown this year...I am glad to see it go! Here's to a better year!