I wanted to write about the day I found out I had Breast Cancer. Like I mentioned in my first entry it was May 25, 2005 around 1:oo pm. I was at home and my surgeon Judy Jones called my house. She told me she had the results of my lab work. I was sitting at my kitchen table… a scene I will never forget. Her office had called me earlier that day to ask when I would be at home. They had told me Dr. Jones wanted to talk to me and asked when she could call. I asked the receptionist if that meant bad news…which she of course told me she didn’t know.
Dr. Jones called and asked if I were driving and told me to sit down. I asked her immediately if it was bad news. She told me it was very bad…that it was cancer. I asked her if it was breast cancer, and she replied “oh yes and it’s bad”. I felt like the blood had drained from my head to my toes and I ran cold. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I asked her what that meant for me and she said you will probably have to have chemotherapy, radiation, and most likely a mastectomy. I was writing this down and I kept looking at those words in horror…Chemo? Radiation? Mastectomy? Right then my baby started crying and her pager went off. She told me she would call me right back. That’s when I started crying. I went back into the kitchen and doubled over to my knees by the kitchen counter. I couldn’t control my emotions. My little girls were there and they started crying because I was. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop. I just held them and we all cried.
The phone rang again and it was Dr. Jones calling me back. I still couldn’t stop crying. She said “I know this is a shock…it was to me too. I just didn’t think it was cancer, I am so sorry”. She told me I needed to get into an Oncologist by Friday and start treatment immediately. Apparently the tumor that was removed was aggressive and large. She asked me if there was a preference of what Oncologist I would want to go to…I didn’t even know what an oncologist was! She said she would have her office call and make an appointment and call me back. She gave me the names of two doctors in town and I picked Dr. Shull…I am so glad I did!
Next I called my husband and managed to get out the words…”it’s breast cancer”. Luckily he was working in town. He said he would be right home and hung up. Next I tried calling my Mom and Dad. They didn’t answer. I left a crying message to call me back as soon as possible. They called back very shortly and my Mom had just seen my name on caller ID and not heard my message. I said “Mom, its breast cancer”. I will never forget her response. It sounded like I had kicked the wind out of her. She let out this painful gasp of air and said “Oh Dana No”. I cried as I tried to explain what the doctor had told me but I could barely get the words out…let alone the words “breast cancer”. What scary words. I was hysterical and as usual, even though she was in shock and pain, she calmed me down and helped me get a hold of myself, only the way my Mom can do. We talked a while and she told me she would tell my Dad and call me back later. My Mom said to me “ I wish I could take this from you”. I remember telling her now that I was a mother, hopefully I was the one taking it for my girls…I know my Mom would have taken it from me if she could.
Next I called my sister Lynne who lives fifteen minutes way. I told her it was cancer, her reaction was “Oh no you’re kidding me”. She asked if I wanted her to come down…I told her I did. I needed to talk to people and I needed loved ones around me. Next I called my friend Becky and told her. I asked if her and Alan could come over and Alan could help Brent give me a blessing. She was very matter of fact and calm, but she came over and offered comfort and told me I would be okay. Alan and Brent gave me a blessing, which was of great comfort.
When Brent came home he just hugged me and asked if I was okay. I know he was in shock and I can’t remember if he cried. Dr. Jones’s office called back and said I could get into the Oncologist in the next hour at 3:00 pm. I needed to go…I needed answers…I needed to know. I took the appointment and Lynne took the kids.
We went to Dr. Shulls’s office that afternoon. I was scared to death. I remember the office staff was so nice and friendly. The nurse Patsy took my vital signs and set me in a waiting room to see the doctor. He came right in. He was young, friendly and direct. I was relieved.
Dr. Shull began going over my pathology report with us. I know I didn’t understand most of it, but it sounded very scary and hopeless. I had a tumor the size of an orange…off the scale. Tumors are measured on a scale of 1-5 in terms of centimeters….mine was a 10. On a scale of 1-9 in terms of aggressiveness, mine was a 9. The tumor had gone to my lymph system, and was not estrogen sensitive. The odds seemed against me.
I kept thinking “they have the wrong person…they kept telling me this was nothing…now it’s cancer!” It was a surreal moment and my mind felt muddled. I was crying uncontrollably. Dr. Shull was very reassuring that he would do everything he could. He stated “I want you to die an old lady of something else.” What a cool way to put it. I instantly trusted him.
Next Dr. Shull told me I would probably not be able to have more children because chemotherapy usually causes young women to go into early menopause. I was devastated and began crying again. That news was almost harder to hear than being told I had cancer. We had always felt there was one more child that belonged in our family.
This year we had gone back and forth about getting pregnant again…it just didn’t feel right. When we planned our two girls we KNEW instinctively when to get pregnant. We had not felt that same feeling this year and went back and forth, now we know why. Can you imagine finding out you had cancer while being pregnant. I feel this part of my life is truly in the Lord’s hands. If we never have more children I feel SO VERY BLESSED to have the three girls I do. I have a beautiful stepdaughter, and two girls of my own. I will never regret what I have!!
After the doctor went over all the reports he set up additional tests he wanted to have done at the hospital. It was Memorial Day weekend and we were to meet with him again on Tuesday to go over the test results.
We left Dr. Shull’s office and I knew I needed to make more phone calls and inform people of my “news.” I remember thinking… “Should I tell people, maybe they have the wrong person”. Then I would think “No, I saw my name on the report and he told me I had cancer.” I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I called my boss, who is a great guy. I told him I had breast cancer and then burst into tears once again. I told him I would need to take some time off. Of course he was gracious and told me not to worry about a thing. He told me I could do what ever I felt needed to be done and he would support me all the way. I was relieved.
I decided to call my sister Leigh next with the news. She was very upset and started crying hysterically. I knew she was under considerable stress at the time, but it scared me because it made it real that I had cancer. I felt overwhelmed and frightened. When she calmed down and absorbed the news she offered comfort. She also offered anything I needed and was very caring. Next, I left a message for my best friend April to call me back. She called back while I was gone so my husband told her about the diagnosis. I talked with her later that night and we cried and cried. She said she wanted to take it for me and would do anything I needed. What a friend. I felt love and support from the people whom I cared about the most.
When I got home that night after a long, excruciatingly, and mentally draining day I had several messages on my machine of well-wishers and people wanting to know what was going on. I spent the rest of the night calling people I felt needed to know. I called my visiting teacher Kristy from church and told her the news. We are in the Relief Society Presidency together. She was in shock like the rest. She wanted to know what she could do. I went over the story about what had happened and I got calmer every time I told it. I was starting to be able to use the word breast cancer, and I got a little less weepy and calmer each time I recounted the information. I called my Relief Society President. She was so helpful and offered service like the rest. I continued to call people from the ward I felt needed to know, each one offered prayers and service. They offered anything I might need.
By the end of the night I was drained to my very core. I couldn’t make one more call. I decided to email a few friends I felt deserved to know, but that I hadn’t talked to in a while. I emailed several people as tactfully as I could and broke the news. Again, the response was tremendous and supportive from the amazing people in my life. I received calls, emails, and cards. I was overwhelmed by the support I was receiving…I truly didn’t think people would care as much as they did. I felt waves of peace and gratitude.
That night although I was completely drained and could no longer cry…Yet, I could not sleep. I spent the night praying like I have never prayed. I truly felt a peace that everything would be okay. I knew in my heart why I was experiencing this trial and I became aware of some of the lessons I was to learn. I recalled a prayer I had offered a couple of weeks earlier that I could overcome some of my shortcomings and that I would be shown my weaknesses. I told the Lord I would do what it takes to change them…little did I know it would take something like cancer to change those things I promised to change. I still vow to change them and pray I can learn what I need to. I believe with all my heart all things happen for a purpose. Another woman cancer survivor sent me a card and in it she wrote…”the Lord does not send us to earth to fail, he sends us to overcome trials and learn lessons, and find great happiness”. That I believe to be true.
Through out the week I continued to receive calls from people. We received goodies on our doorstep, meals, cards, gifts…but most of all people offering prayers and putting our names on the temple prayer roll. That meant the very most. I felt that was one thing I couldn’t do alone. I needed the prayers from good, faithful people in my behalf…what peace and comfort that brought and continues to bring. The ward offered a fast in my name, which was very humbling. I felt so grateful, so loved, so supported through what I knew would be one of the most difficult times in my life. I felt people circle around me…I can’t describe what that felt like and continues to feel like. I am blessed.
I emailed a dear friend of mine Shelley to call me when she got a chance. I didn’t have her current cell phone number. She called early the next morning and wanted to know what was wrong. She sensed something wasn’t right. I told her about the cancer and she said, “I’ll be right up and hung up”…a three hour drive to my house. And she did, she arrived three hours later and offered her love and support. Again…I felt blessed.
Over the next couple days I had several scans done, including a CT scan, heart Doppler, and PET scan. Dr. Shull also wanted to do a bone scan since I had just started having pain in my lower back. Waiting for that test was probably the most anxiety provoking. If the cancer had spread to my bones I felt that my prognosis would be even worse. The radiologist read the scan and immediately told us he didn’t see a problem…what a huge relief! Once again, I was very blessed to have Shelley and Lynne there to help watch my girls while I was at the hospital and doctors’ offices.
That weekend we went to my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary in Utah, 3 hours from home. I was worried about my news overshadowing this exciting event. The party went beautifully and it felt great to be around loved ones and friends. I was so proud of my parents and their accomplishment of staying married for 50 years and showing us such an amazing example of love and dedication. Again, I felt encircled by people who wanted the best for me. I have learned we truly are all connected together. I can now see the importance of eternal families. How grateful I am for that knowledge. As a family we were able to all attend the temple together. I felt the Holy Spirit so strong and the prayer circle brought greater meaning than ever before….mostly knowing my name was on that roll and those faithful people were praying in my behalf. Tears streamed down my face….tears of gratitude.
Spending time with my family was so refreshing and comforting. We were able to laugh and cry…and even make jokes. I wanted people to be at ease and not feel uncomfortable around me. Laughing is what I know to do…so laughing is what we did. We had a great weekend. I felt rejuvenated enough to go back to the doctor on Tuesday and face the music. I have a wonderful family, wonderful parents, darling nieces and nephews, amazing friends.
When we came home and went back to Dr. Shulls office for test results. The PET scan showed a 4 cm tumor left in my breast, but it was undetermined if it was cancer or scar tissue from the lumpectomy. I also had another 1 cm tumor in my first lympnoid. The Doppler of my heart showed it was strong. And like I said before the bone scan was clear. We set up a treatment plan and decided to start me on chemo in two days. I would receive Adramyican and Cytocin for four rounds, then I would be switched to Taxol for four more treatments.
So here I am. I have one more treatment in two weeks. I had one today…I am almost done!! I have never been so glad for summer to be over in my life. I am especially grateful it is cooling off and the heat is subsiding. Even though I have cancer, I have learned a million lessons in such a short period of time. I heard a saying I may have written before, but it really says it all. It goes, “Through adversity you can either become bitter or better”…I will choose to become BETTER.
