TV Apprearance

Yesterday I was able to do a couple of segments on a local TV show about Breast Cancer Awareness. It went really well and I enjoyed myself. I was able to tell my story about being misdiagnosed for over a year and how important it is to be your own best advocate when it comes to health care. I am anxious to see how it turned out. It airs this Sunday...so we'll see.

After the taping yesterday I came home with a headache so I layed down for a little while. When I woke up I had the stomach flu which my entire family has had this week. I thought I was going to get out of it, but boy was I wrong. The nausea and puking was reminiscent of this summer going through chemo. Not a fun reminder. It's crazy how much it wears your body down, but hey...maybe I'll weigh in a lot less tomorrow at Weight Watchers...LOL

I have my planning appointment with the radiation oncologist on Monday. They told me the appointment would last an hour and a half. I should start with the actual radiation after that.

I am signing off because I need to fix my family some dinner and resemble a fairly normal mother.

Good Old P.M.S.

Alright, I have posted a lot of personal, not so easy to write about things...but how does one write about getting back her period? So, here it goes...I'm NOT in menopause!! All this time we thought I was going into menopause...hot flashes, extreme mood swings, no period. But, as luck would have it...I'm back in business!! The crankiness was just good old P.M.S.!!! P.M.S...Can you believe that! The hot flashes have cooled down quit a bit the past couple of weeks. My doctor thinks they might have been solely from the chemo and pain medication.

I just talked to my doctor last week about menopause and what medications I would have to take after radiation. The kind of medications I would be prescribed would be solely based on if I were menopausal or not! Statistically, chemotherapy puts many women at my age into pre-menopause and does it fairly quick. I thought for sure I was menopausal and would have to worry about heart disease and osteoporosis in the near future. It's bad enough all my hair is coming in GRAY!

I have also had a hard time with the fact I wouldn't be able to have more children. We have always planned on having one more. Who knows...I still may not be able to have more babies due to the drugs I will be required to take for the next five years. But, there is hope! I was just reading about Tamoxifen a drug for breast cancer patients that is an anti-estrogin agent. It doesn't sound too pleasant! It can cause weight gain and uterine cancer. My doctor said if I did get uterine cancer (which they would watch closely for) I would have to have a hysterectomy anyways. Right now I am rolling my eyes and shaking my head...

This all sounds pretty negative, but truly I am in very good spirits these days! I am feeling much better and getting more and more energy back every day. I can even move my arm and it is hurting a lot less! I have my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist next Monday, so, I am going to fully enjoy my week!!

Tomorrow I am going with my doctor's wife Carrie to Salt Lake City to get more stuff for a tree we are putting together for the Festival of Trees. His office is sponsoring it. It will be nice to have a girl's day out...a two and a half hour drive with no kids! My sister Leigh lives there and is a fantastic decorator. She is going to help us pull it all together. It feels good to have things going on again in my life other than just being sick. It feels good to have some projects and stuff to look forward to.

I have been putting my kids costumes together. Addie is going to be Cinderella and Paige was going to be a butterfly princess...but the dress I ordered is WAY too big. So back to the drawing board. Anyway, life is good...miracles happen! Plus, I have lost 3.5 pounds last week on Weight Watchers!!

The Coolest Thing!

I had the coolest thing happen today. I went to the mailbox and in it was a package from Lori & Cary (Too Sexy For My Hair~Flikr) with a handful of cards from people all over the country! Isn't that awesome!! People I have never met in person who are praying for me and sending their best wishes...amazing! I was so thrilled and uplifted! I am daily reminded of the good people in this world and how blessed I am to have such a fantastic support group. I shudder to think of someone going through this awful disease and not having wonderful people in their lives...and I know they are out there. Thank you everyone...thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have something else cool to add. I was asked to be on a local T.V. news talk show next week about breast cancer! My oncologist will be on, along with people from radiology. They asked me because I am young with children and they want women to know breast cancer can happen to anyone of any age! I am a little nervous...but those of you who know me personally know I have the gift of gab. I obviously feel very passionate about this and would do anything if it helped one person get into their doctor and get the treatment they need! After all, it is Breast Cancer Awareness month! Get your mammograms!

Today has been a great day! I was able to go to the soup kitchen and help serve lunch. It felt so good to first of all, have the energy to do it, but also to get outside myself and help out someone else for a change! I got so busy I started sweating and rubbed off my eyebrows! I'm a sight...let me tell ya! I have really learned a lesson or two about the importance of service. Too bad it took cancer for me to get it! At least I'm getting right?

Yesterday, I went to both my Surgeon and my Oncologist. I had to have fluid drained (gross I know) that had build up from the surgery. Dr. Jones said she is pleased with how I am healing up...me too! Man, where they took the lymph nodes under my arm is still so stink'n sore, but getting better!!

I had my one month check up with the oncologist. He went over my most recent path report and said how pleased he was with the results. He said my cancer was very sensitive to the chemo! DIE CANCER DIE!! The path report said the lymph nodes that had cancer left in them were considered microscopic and were contained only to the nodes themselves! Man I am lucky...I just have to say that I realize I am so blessed and so lucky. This could have been SO much worse, according to my initial prognosis...it should have been. Dr. Shull reminded me of that yesterday. When he first saw my tumor (the orange) path report he said "I thought for sure you would have to have a full mastectomy"! So neeneer, neeneer, neeneer to cancer!

Read a funny joke in a book my sister Ann sent me.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ad-air.
Ad-air Who?
Ad-air (had hair) once...but it all fell out!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow!

Unzipping the Fat Suit :)

I did it. I started Weight Watchers and I am doing it! I feel really motivated to do something about this fat thing. I feel like I am trapped in a fat suit screaming for someone to unzip me! Brent is even doing the program with me! I have already lost a pound! I will never ever take advantage of my health again! I know what it is like to feel like a big pile of poo...and if there is something I can do to change that... I am going to do it.

My energy is slowly coming back...but it IS coming back. It feels so great! I even walked the green belt today around the Snake River!! It took me over an hour...but I DID IT!! It felt so damn good! The sun was shining, the leaves were colorful and beautiful, and there were still ducks and geese everywhere! I even walked the belt pushing my two year old in a stroller! This is a huge leap from a month ago when I could barely walk from my living room to my bedroom! Life is good! (Okay, life is better than it was). I'm getting there!

For the Birds...

I am losing it! This menopause stuff is for the BIRDS!! I am losing my marbles I tell ya! Up and down with the hormones. You know what that means...lots and lots of crying. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm usually not a crier...that is since puberty when my hormones where just as screwed up. Yesterday's breakdown was over money or lack of. I was paying medical bills and freaked right out. Our little nest egg that was to be put towards buying a house is now officially depleted...gone. Maybe I am destined to live in a little blue house forever. Excuse me while I go cry some more.

On a better note, the hot flashes have "cooled off" a little the last two weeks...thank goodness. They were absolutely driving me batty! I am thirty-two for heck sakes...I feel like an eighty year old woman and look like a man. That's right...I look like a man. My hair is starting to come in (gray no less) and it's looking like a butch cut. Weird thing is I have kept most of my eyebrows and lashes up until this past month. Now there all but gone. Go figure. And get this...I had to shave my armpits for the very first time in four months. Man I'm going to miss that part. Of course I couldn't get a really clean shave on the left side due to the large, ominous scar under there. Good thing I can laugh about some of this or I might be bawling twenty-four seven.

I have my one-month check up with my oncologist coming up next week. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I finished with chemo! I should start radiation here in about two weeks. In a weird way I am getting anxious to get started just so I can get it over with. I'm also curious what it will be like. I hear it's not near as bad as chemo (can't imagine what is) and it's like having a bad sunburn. They also say it comes with some fatigue...yeah that's what I need, more fatigue. What a bundle of joy I'll be...doesn't it make you want to come for a visit :) Come see the freak show...the lopsided, bald lady who sleeps a lot except for when she is crying or screaming...it will be lots of fun. I do need money. Maybe I could set up a circus tent in the front yard and charge admission. Hey that's not a bad idea. I could even sell popcorn!

On a more positive note, I had my follow up with my surgeon Dr. Jones on Tuesday. She made an interesting point. She said that if she would have known my tumor (the orange) was cancerous when she did my first lumpectomy she would have been committed to doing a full mastectomy. I asked her why and she said because of the wide margins she would have had to take considering the size of the tumor. It is really a miracle the biopsy came back negative for cancer and she took out the tumor anyways! It saved me from a mastectomy...man am I grateful!

Anyways, tomorrow I start weight watchers...wish me luck. I will spring this cocoon someday! And when I do…watch out world!

This is the bald me! 

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have to write that I had a great weekend with my family and I actually felt pretty good! I wasn't sick OR tired...amazing!

Friday night I did have a MAJOR breakdown and couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. I truly don't think I have cried like that for a long, long time. I wept until there were no more tears. Brent was so worried he called my Mom who he knew could calm me down. And...she did.

I cried to my Mom for an hour about all my fears and feelings about my experience with cancer. It has consumed my life to a certain degree and now I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like everyone, including myself expected me to be better now that surgery was over and the cancer has receded...and I'm not. I realized that getting well is a process of it's own and it will take some time. I just get anxious and want to move a head quicker than my body is willing. I had been so exhausted last week, I seriously worried I would never feel good again. It was/is a very real fear. Fatigue and depression scare me. Especially raising two young girls who have so much energy!!! I worried the depression had been triggered by the surgery and I was going back down to the depths of hell. I hate depression...almost as much as I hate cancer. I felt bleak and hopeless.

People might think cancer is a physical battle...but it is an emotional and spiritual battle far more than it is physical. It has challenged every belief and emotion in me. It has challenged my core character. I have had to look deep inside myself and find strength I didn't know existed. I have had to examine every aspect of my life...my marriage, my relationships with my family and my children. I have had to face things I need to change and prooded me to change the things I've wanted to improve. I have had to sort out the good from the bad in my soul. Through it all I have found out I am of worth and I have things to offer others I didn't know were there. All in all I still have a lot of improving to do.

These are but a few of the conclusions I have come to:
I have realized I do have a strong marriage and my relationship with Brent has deepened significantly. Cancer has shown his true character...one of a loving, thoughtful, and committed man. He has been by my side and offered encouragement and love even when I know he was on the brink himself. Our marriage has endured some hard times but cancer has cemented us together. I have found my attitude towards him and our marriage have changed for the better. The little annoyances are still there...but they don't matter as much. He has looked past the fat, ugly, baldness and loved me for who I am not what I look like.

I have learned that I want to be a stronger, more faithful LDS women who follows the counsel of our prophet and lives in accordance to our beliefs and morals. I have much refining to do. I truly have learned from the example of others what true, selfless service is and have been grateful not only for myself but for the example shown to my children. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds about gospel principles I have needed to learn. The church is true and I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for miracles that have happened.

I have also learned that there are good, decent people in this world struggling with this disease who are finding the same sorts of conclusions in their lives and who are in need of support and service from others. People across the country have prayed in my behalf and have offered words of love and support. We are all tied together and responsible for each other. I want to be a person of service.

I have learned how amazing the human body is even when it turns on you! I have learned how precious good health is and how important it is to take care of my body...even though for me this is still incredibly difficult! I have found that I do have a desire to be healthly and fully live the word of wisdom.

I am forever a changed person.

I had yet another break down tonight. I have not felt good today and I am SO tired. I don't know if it's from the surgery or what but I feel like crap. I am sick of being sick and I fear I will never feel normal again. I fear being one of "those" moms that let their children run wild and lay around all day parenting from the couch. I felt so tired today it was almost like I had just had chemo...it was that bad.

I feel like I should be better by now, but Brent tells me I am being unrealistic. I just want to move on and get some things done. I am still in pain from the surgery and am having a hard time moving my arm. I think I am feeling the let down from everything. I just get scared I won't ever feel good again. I would pay big money for an ounce of energy. Since my Mom was here she took care of things with the girls and around the house. Now that she is gone it hit me how run down I feel...back to the grind. I also feel like I've let myself down because I'm not taking as good care of myself as I think I should be. I should be eating better and going to bed earlier. You would think something like CANCER would make you be better, but it's true that old habits do die hard. The desires in my head are not always carried out by my body.

I know I will somehow work this out. I have a good husband and family...I just feel like I have took, and took, and took. I want to feel better and give back. Brent has been amazing but I know he's got to be drained. He does so much.

I really better get some sleep...

FINALLY!!!

I finally got the results to my pathology report! The surgeon's office called this afternoon to tell me all the margins that were cleared in surgery were free from any residual carcinoma!!!!! There were however three lymph nodes that were positive for cancer, out of the fifteen that were removed. I won't have to have a mastectomy or any other surgery at this point (I would say ever, but I don't want to jinx myself :).

I called my Oncologist, Dr. Christian T. Shull after I hung up and he said that he had planned on some of the nodes being positive, that is why I will to have radiation. The radiation should kill any remaining cancer cells that surgery and chemo didn't get. I will start radiation is three weeks and will have radiation every day (except Saturday & Sundays) for six and a half weeks.

I feel so much relief and trepidation all at the very same time. Part of me feels like "wow, it's gone" and the other part of me is thinking "what if there is still cancer and it comes back...this can't be real". A great guy named Amiko wrote to me saying "it's hard to wrap your mind around the fact you have cancer...but it's just as hard to wrap your mind around the fact that it's gone". That really sums up how I am feeling. I know this must be normal to feel excited and unsure...I just hope I don't drive myself crazy in the mean time. All I can do is take the very best care of myself and "Let Go and Let God".

I want you all to know I truly do believe in the power of prayer and I know that is what is helping me get well. I KNOW IT!! My cancer is a very aggressive, advanced cancer...really, my prognosis wasn't that good. I believe I am beating this due to the overwhelming amount of prayers in my behalf...from people of all different faiths. Think about it. I had a 10 cm tumor with lymph invasion, grade three, stage three that is not hormone sensitive. All that and I didn't even have to have a mastectomy...coincidence? I think not!! Thank you for your faith. Very humbling...

I also believe all things happen for a reason and I have much more to learn. I'm not going down yet! I have already learned volumes from this experience. I have met AMAZING people who are also fighting this disease and battling with such courage and strength (Lori). You inspire me daily and give me the courage to keep going.

I have had such a wide range of emotion today...but mostly one of gratitude, hope, and relief.

No Results Yet

I haven't gotten the pathology results back from my surgery yet. It feels like forever. I just keep expecting bad news and more surgery. I called the surgeon's office today (Dr. Judy Jones), but they said they had already called the pathologist's and they are still working on it. The receptionist said she would call as soon as she got it. Hopefully we’ll hear something in the morning.

My Mom is still here helping me with the kids. It has been so nice to have her here. If I need more surgery she will stay, if not, she will be leaving tomorrow. I don't want her to go. Today, my sister came over with lunch and a movie. We put the kids down for their naps and had "movie afternoon". It felt so good to relax a little!

I have been so tired today and in a lot of pain. I had started feeling better pain wise, but tonight I am really hurting. I am so ready for this to be done. I am not feeling good about the results. I ask myself why I am feeling this way. Is it because I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best? Is it personal revelation? Am I just freaked out? I just can't believe having that many dark lymph nodes and another suspicious spot can be good news. I try being positive, but being positive doesn't mean being unrealistic. I can't burry my head in the sand and pretend there isn't a problem. Hopefully tomorrow we'll know.

If I do have to get the mastectomy...I think I will just do one side for now. I was pretty set on doing a double, but now that I have had surgery, having both done seems so overwhelming and painful. I can't get myself to even think about it.

Thanks again for all your love and support! Sunday my friend Deon brought me two dozen gorgeous yellow roses. Then today Brent's cousin brought me flowers and so did some women from the ward. It really brightens my days. I also truly appreciate the thoughts and prayers in my behalf! Thank you!

Good News? Bad News? That is the Question...

This will most likely be a very short post since I am high on painkillers and not typing very well. So please pardon me if this don’t make any sense! I had surgery yesterday. Dr. Jones took out the margin around where my old tumor was. She also found another suspicious lump and took that as well including the margins. They ended up taking out 15 lymph nodes instead of the 10-12 she had planned on. She said the first 4 nodes were very dark in color and were hard and enlarged. Not a good sign.

They will test all the tissue taken and I will get results in 4-5 days. If the tissue from the margins come back positive for cancer they will most likely have to go back in next week and do a full mastectomy. They took almost half of my breast off this time and I am in so much pain. I wasn't expecting it to be this bad. I had to stay in overnight because we couldn't get my pain under control. I have about a 4-5 inch incision running from my nipple up to my armpit. And another incision that is about 3 inches long running under my armpit where they took out the nodes. The whole breast (or what's left I should say) is so incredibly tender...I can tell she did a lot of prodding around.

I have a feeling they will have to go back in. In a strange way it would be a relief to just have it removed so I don't have to worry...but of course if they don't that would be the ultimate!! I just want this all done and over with. It has been so nice to have my Mom here. Brent stayed with me last night at the recovery center. I hope I can get comfortable tonight and get some rest. I can never get sleep when I'm in the hospital!

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...really it makes such a difference and is so comforting! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will keep you posted about test results...good night!