Neuropathy Nuisance and The Senate

Man, I just have to complain a little about this darn neuropathy in my arms and hands. It has REALLY been bothering me the past few weeks. My hands get stabbing pains, fall asleep easily (pins and needles), and I can't grasp things very well. This weekend I went to Boise with a girlfriend. I ordered a steak at dinner and I had the most difficult time cutting it. My friend kept asking me if I needed her to cut it for me...I did, but I was too stubborn to let her. It was really frustrating and frankly...embarassing. My oncologist tells me the neuropathy can be permanent which feels so disheartening. So far, I swear it has gotten worse. I have difficulty with my feet as well. They cramp very easily if I move my toes. Talk about Charlie-horse city. They also get the pins and needles and hurt. They feel weird in my shoes. Hard to explain. Anyway, I feel a little better getting that out. :)

This weekend I mentioned I went to Boise. We went to testify to the Idaho Senate Committee in hopes of getting the statute of limitations abolished on childhood sexual abuse. My girlfriend is a victim of abuse and has gotten involved in this legislation. I was very proud of all the work she has done in hopes of getting this law changed. I had never been to a Senate Committee hearing. It was very interesting and I felt proud to be there. There were so many people there in favor of passing the bill (and no one in opposition), that they only had one man testify. The Committee voted unanimously in favor! We didn't end up having to testify even though we were ready to go. My speech was from my perspective as a Mental Health Worker and witnessing the effects of abuse my clients have experienced. The effects are devastating and long lasting. By abolishing the statues, victims will be able to report when they are READY!!

Life has been so busy lately. I have continued to feel incredibly tired and worn out. I am not taking care of myself like I need to. I feel great guilt about that and struggle daily with doing the things I need to in order to achieve optimum health. Yes, this includes losing the weight I swore I would get off. I am stuck on the scale and have done nothing to continue on my road of weight loss. One would think CANCER would propel me to GET IN GEAR. Yet, it is so difficult and the poor habits I have developed in this lifetime continue to have their choke hold on me. I feel weak in this battle...Fighting cancer had little choices...fight or die. Eating right and exercising is a daily series of choices... and I continue to make poor ones.

Tonight, I will pray for the strength to move forward, to be better, to overcome.

Cancer Alliance

I have been so busy these days...I don't have time for a stink'n head cold. I have been dying all weekend, but I didn't exactly take care of myself. Now I'm paying for it.

Friday night a bunch of ladies I work with got together and did an all night scrapbook party. It was very theraputic to say the least. There's nothing like a bunch of friends talking about all the things that are stressing us out and laughing about it. Problem is I didn't get home until 5 am. Then I had a breakfast appointment to go over stuff for the Cancer Alliance at 8 am. Then I had family coming up for the weekend for my nephews missionary homecoming. Then to top it of I think I am getting a sinus infection and earache. Regaurdless, I had a great weekend. But, I really need to sleep.

We are really starting to pull some things to gether for the Cancer Alliance. It's exciting and hopefully it will be helpful to cancer patients. So if you of someone you know have ideas we can incorperate...please let me know! I would LOVE to hear from you! What things were really helpful while you or a loved one was in treatment. What things could be inproved or added to treatment? We are looking for ways to ease patient burdens and educate clients on their particular cancer.

I live in Idaho and there is a problem getting people from the rural areas the treatment they need. We want to advocate for the patients and provide them with information in the communities they are in.

Anyway, I am exhaused...off to be I go. I enjoy hearing from those of you out there who are going on this journey. If you have questions, I will answer them as honestly as I can. That reminds me after I had my first baby and nobody warned me acurately what it would REALLY be like to give birth. I was mad at every women I knew who could have filled me in...and didn't tell me the truth. I wouldn't want to scare anyone, but I feel like if you are armed with the truth...you can make better informed decisions!

Good-night!

More Mammograms for Me

Well it's official...I am 33 years old. Times flies. I had a good birthday, a lot to celebrate. For one, being a live. I got my baseline mammogram done the day after my birthday. I figured it would help me remember when I needed to get one if I planned it on my b-day. Not like I really need reminding on this one.

When I went to got the mammogram, I wasn't thinking about getting the results. Usually I get my self psyched up to get test results, be it good or bad. I didn't stop to think I could actually get a bad result on the scan. When the tech said "I'll be right back, I need to let the radiologist read these". My stomach dropped. I didn't think about it. I started to freak a little and had to calm myself down. Thank heavens the results where CLEAR!! No problems detected. They said the scar tissue looked good and I was healing well. I felt such relief, such peace and calm.

I wish I felt like myself. I am still struggling to get back to status quo. My body doesn't feel right. I have felt weak and wobbly this week. My neuropathy from the Taxol is really bothering me and my hands feel weak and achy. Maybe it's worse from the cold. I'm not sure what to think. I still get tired and get worn down easily. I am not feeling very optimistic these days. I feel ornery and want to be left alone. I wish some days I could crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel more reclusive now than I did going through treatment. I want my life back. I want to feel normal, healthy, energetic...

My thoughts have been preoccupied with the case we filed with the women's center's malpractice insurance. They are in the process of gathering my medical records. I have several of my providers call to confirm that I do want my records released. I was impressed they are following HIPPA guidelines so closely. I want my family to be taken care of does something happen to me in the future. As a cancer survivor, "those" thoughts are always there. Thoughts of the future...will I be here? Will my family be okay?