More Mammograms for Me

Well it's official...I am 33 years old. Times flies. I had a good birthday, a lot to celebrate. For one, being a live. I got my baseline mammogram done the day after my birthday. I figured it would help me remember when I needed to get one if I planned it on my b-day. Not like I really need reminding on this one.

When I went to got the mammogram, I wasn't thinking about getting the results. Usually I get my self psyched up to get test results, be it good or bad. I didn't stop to think I could actually get a bad result on the scan. When the tech said "I'll be right back, I need to let the radiologist read these". My stomach dropped. I didn't think about it. I started to freak a little and had to calm myself down. Thank heavens the results where CLEAR!! No problems detected. They said the scar tissue looked good and I was healing well. I felt such relief, such peace and calm.

I wish I felt like myself. I am still struggling to get back to status quo. My body doesn't feel right. I have felt weak and wobbly this week. My neuropathy from the Taxol is really bothering me and my hands feel weak and achy. Maybe it's worse from the cold. I'm not sure what to think. I still get tired and get worn down easily. I am not feeling very optimistic these days. I feel ornery and want to be left alone. I wish some days I could crawl in a hole and never come out. I feel more reclusive now than I did going through treatment. I want my life back. I want to feel normal, healthy, energetic...

My thoughts have been preoccupied with the case we filed with the women's center's malpractice insurance. They are in the process of gathering my medical records. I have several of my providers call to confirm that I do want my records released. I was impressed they are following HIPPA guidelines so closely. I want my family to be taken care of does something happen to me in the future. As a cancer survivor, "those" thoughts are always there. Thoughts of the future...will I be here? Will my family be okay?