It has been a very long time and I didn't think I would return to blogging...especially about my experiences with breast cancer and being a survivor. But, sometimes writing is the only way for me to "get it out of my head". I worry about this dread disease. It is overwhelming and depressing at times. Talking to others about my day to day fears and concerns is quit a conversation killer. Let's face it...who wants to hear about cancer all the time. There are days I can block it out and even long stretches of time where I try and live in the here and now. Then I am sucked back into the vortex of despair.
My back has been hurting and I fear telling my oncologist next week at my three-month check up. I hate going through all the tests and terror of wondering..."is IT back"? My thoughts lately have been. WHY? WHY ME? Why did I feel like having children was so important and so right...when I may never get to raise them? If I got cancer again, chances are they won't even remember me. My influence may never remain with them. That is such a sad and depressing thought that crashes over me with such intensity.
I have a mental list of all the things I want to take care of should I meet an early demise. One of those things was getting my portraits done with my family. I have never had my picture taken with my beautiful girls...mostly because
I have gained weight the past several years. I kept thinking..."when I lose the weight I will do it". Truth is...it doesn't matter what I look like...it matters I have something for my girls to remember me by. So we did it...and they turned out beautifully. They are a treasure to me. A daily reminder of how blessed I am.
Another change I have made is, I quit my job and I stay home with my girls full-time. It has been an adjustment, but I feel so lucky to be with them. I realized I might never get this time back with my kids. Nothing else matters. It was a leap of faith for me because of the decrease in income, but we have been blessed and my girls are doing so well. The other day I was asking my 5 year old what her favorite part of the day was. She said "it was when I got off the bus and I saw it was you picking me up Mom". That makes it all worth it right there.
Another change has happened. I have been facing the diet demon. My oncologist told me there is new research on my specific cancer that says by decreasing my fat intake to below 20% per day can actually decrease my chances of reoccurrence by almost 60%. It was like a brick hit me on the head. For the last month or so, I have been eating a very low-fat, healthy, balanced diet. I also exercise several times a week and I have lost eleven pounds to date. Last year, I wasn't physically or mentally to do what I needed to do to get my health back. But now, I am in a completely different frame of mind. I am motivated to increase my chances of living and fighting cancer...simply by what I put in my mouth. I also feel better. Amazing...Duh Dana!
My parents came and visited this week. It was so good to visit with them. They are such an inspiration to me and such amazing role models of stable, righteous people. They are wise and caring people. I love them to be around my children who don't get to see them much due to distance. It warms my heart when I see them interacting with my girls and loving them like I do. I am so grateful for them...for good family. For laughter.
My back has been hurting and I fear telling my oncologist next week at my three-month check up. I hate going through all the tests and terror of wondering..."is IT back"? My thoughts lately have been. WHY? WHY ME? Why did I feel like having children was so important and so right...when I may never get to raise them? If I got cancer again, chances are they won't even remember me. My influence may never remain with them. That is such a sad and depressing thought that crashes over me with such intensity.I have a mental list of all the things I want to take care of should I meet an early demise. One of those things was getting my portraits done with my family. I have never had my picture taken with my beautiful girls...mostly because
I have gained weight the past several years. I kept thinking..."when I lose the weight I will do it". Truth is...it doesn't matter what I look like...it matters I have something for my girls to remember me by. So we did it...and they turned out beautifully. They are a treasure to me. A daily reminder of how blessed I am.Another change I have made is, I quit my job and I stay home with my girls full-time. It has been an adjustment, but I feel so lucky to be with them. I realized I might never get this time back with my kids. Nothing else matters. It was a leap of faith for me because of the decrease in income, but we have been blessed and my girls are doing so well. The other day I was asking my 5 year old what her favorite part of the day was. She said "it was when I got off the bus and I saw it was you picking me up Mom". That makes it all worth it right there.
Another change has happened. I have been facing the diet demon. My oncologist told me there is new research on my specific cancer that says by decreasing my fat intake to below 20% per day can actually decrease my chances of reoccurrence by almost 60%. It was like a brick hit me on the head. For the last month or so, I have been eating a very low-fat, healthy, balanced diet. I also exercise several times a week and I have lost eleven pounds to date. Last year, I wasn't physically or mentally to do what I needed to do to get my health back. But now, I am in a completely different frame of mind. I am motivated to increase my chances of living and fighting cancer...simply by what I put in my mouth. I also feel better. Amazing...Duh Dana!
My parents came and visited this week. It was so good to visit with them. They are such an inspiration to me and such amazing role models of stable, righteous people. They are wise and caring people. I love them to be around my children who don't get to see them much due to distance. It warms my heart when I see them interacting with my girls and loving them like I do. I am so grateful for them...for good family. For laughter.
4 comments:
Dana,
I'm so glad you're blogging again! I check from time to time and wondered if you would come back! I'm glad you let me know. I love reading about how you are because you're so honest and open! It's good to hear about the changes you have made and are making in your life. You and your darling family will be blessed and will benefit from them so much! Keep taking care of yourself (you look great) and keep hanging in there! We're (still) behind you all the way! You're doing awesome!
Love ya!
Ann
Your portraits are beautiful. xoxo
Hey Dana,
You sound very much where I am.. And I think you have done so well changing the diet and stuff.. It really does make such a difference!
I didn't realise you had three girls like me too.. Somehow, that is really special...
Keep the faith girl, keep blogging and keep getting it out there,
Minerva
PS - Those portraits are gorgeous..and remember the girls see their mummy, not how fat, thin she is, just their mummy with the wonderful arms that hug them, the kisses and the care...That is what they see....
Those are really beautiful portraits.
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