I was ornery and stressed out tonight. My girls were overtired and would not go to bed. It was like herding cats trying to get them inside. They were in their swimming suits (which they have worn daily all summer) with little chocolate covered faces from the cremecicles the neighbor offered them right before bed.
The whining and screaming seemed unbearable tonight. I told (more like demanded) my husband put them to bed...I was taking a shower. I even shaved my legs to make it last a little longer.
Of course, they were still awake and whining when I got out of the shower. I tried to be loving and patient. I laid by my youngest in attempts to get her to go to sleep. I even sang lullabies...didn't work. Finally, I got up and left. My six year old was screaming she was scared. I started screaming there was nothing to be scared of. Although I was thinking..."if you don't quit crying, it's me you had better be scared of".
I went to sit in the living room to read (my own little time out). My six year old came in and continued to cry about being scared. I saw the pleading in her eyes. Something inside me said..."hold her". It clicked inside me, "this time will pass and I will never get it back again". I told her to come and sit on my lap. I held her and told her I loved her. I told her I was proud of her and I was proud to be her Mom. I told her I was sorry for yelling at her. She said, "it's okay Mom, I love you too...and I am glad to be your favorite six year old ever". Something amazing happened. As I calmed down, she calmed down.
I rocked her to sleep and ran my fingers through her hair. I thought to myself how much I missed holding her. Why don't I get it? I have had cancer and I still don't get it. I can never go back and I will never have this moment again. Tears rolled down my face as I thought of all the things I let slide by without enjoying them as much as I could. Stressing over stupid stuff that really does not matter.
This life is limited, I could be gone tomorrow. Would my life really matter if my girls could only remember an ornery, yelling mom? I want them to remember a mom who rocks them to sleep and tells them how much they are loved. I had one of those "cancer reality checks" tonight. Life is too short to sweat the small stuff.
- ▼ 2007 (8)
- Idaho Falls, Idaho, United States
- I am a 36 year old woman, married to a great guy, and together we have three beautiful daughters. I am a three and a half year breast cancer survivor. This past year I have become active in the cause of helping those who are batteling cancer!