MRI

Today was a stressful day. I had a check-up with my fabulous oncologist Christian T. Shull today. I told him I had been having headaches consistently for about three weeks. The kind that are always there and sometimes they are terrible and sometimes they subside but linger and never really go away. Well, I mentioned this to him and he said..."I know what you're thinking and let's just get an MRI and rule out any problems so we don't worry about it". I am SO glad he would do that...but I also FREAKED out.

I started thinking and preparing for the very worst. It was amazing to me the range of emotion I felt and how quickly that fear came back. I laid in the MRI and cried. I broke down to my husband and cried. He tried to reassure me it was nothing and the scan wouldn't show anything. But...let me tell you, when you have been told over and over you don't have cancer...then one day they call and say "opps...you really do have cancer, and it's a REALLY bad, aggressive kind"...trust becomes an issue. I told him that wasn't reassuring and not to say that to me anymore. I wanted to believe it was nothing, but the reality that it very easily could be, was just as real!!

May 25th (diagnosis day) echoed in my mind and all those same emotions and fears came into play. I kept picturing them calling and saying..."we found a tumor, it has spread to your brain, there's nothing we can do." It felt hopeless, scary, and overwhelming. I felt trapped and feared the worst...not being able to raise my children.

We discussed the chances of reoccurrence and metastasis. Not my favorite subjects. I am the type of person who has to know where I stand in all areas of my life...including cancer. Although, knowing all the facts sometimes depletes my sense of hope and faith.

Anyway, by the time I left the MRI and drove to my sisters to get my girls...my fantastic doctor called with the results showing no signs of tumors/cancer. Halleluiah! I pleaded with the Lord again today to spare my life once more so I can raise these girls. I made a promise to be a more patient and loving mother and a better person. I know my prayers were answered once again. Again, my reality is put back into perspective. It's amazing how quickly priorities get out of alignment and then smacked back into line.

A day that started off bad and ended good. Tonight my niece came over and we stayed up and played games. We always laugh and have a good time. I went to dinner with my sisters and I felt comfort. Thank goodness for family and friends. I cry for those who have to go through this alone...it shouldn't happen. Everyone should have a shoulder to cry on.

I plan on 2006 being the BEST year yet! This year sucked and it can only get better!! That's what I'm planning on and what I intend to have happen. I will life to the fullest and enjoy it more.

The Great Holiday Letdown

Does anyone experience what I call the let down after the holidays? For weeks we run around like mad trying to get some much accomplished only to find the little extras we bust ourselves over really don't make that much difference. I am so wrung out tonight. My husband and I are arguing over "marraige stuff" and everything else that has the misforture of popping into the sad discussion.

We had an okay Christmas...still glad to be a live. It was wonderful to watch the girls open their presents and enjoy themselves. That's always good to experience as a parent. But, on the other hand...family really makes me reflect. I miss spending time around MY family whom i know loves me and my children. I worry my children will miss being around my parents. We are very involved in talking to one another and interested in each other. On the other hand, spending time with the in-laws was not as enjoyable and enlightening and it makes me miss my family and friends even more who live out of state. Actually I'm the one living out of state. I confrontd my husband at looking at this for a change and considering a move south...which he says he will consider but NEVER does. Maybe I'll move myself. A change would be nice! Some issues I guess will always be there.

I am so emotinal tonight. I am tired and I am getting sick...which leads me to my next statement...I am Sick of being Sick and Tired! I am done with this S@#$T. I want to move on but I'm not sure how to maybe I need some therapy to process this overload of emotions that keep taking over my brain.I don't thonk I am making much sence. I better get to bed.

To all of you who told me to take it easy or I would over do it and get sick...well you were right. Are you happy? I feel like crap and I am near to not functioning. What a week this will be.

Good night...blaa blaa blaa

The Best Present EVER!

I am DONE...DONE I tell ya! I finished radiation today and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it! I can't believe this day finally came and went! WOW...I am DONE!! I am through with being a cancer patient! DONE!! This is the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!

I am so tired tonight (being that it's 1:30 am) but I had SO much to do today getting ready for Christmas. I think I may have wrote this in my last entry, but everyone keeps telling me to take it easy and rest...but this Christmas I am glad to be a live and I will not take it easy!! I am here...hear me roar!! True, I am running on adrenaline, caffeine, and sugar (I know, not a good combo for the cancer patient)...but this week I do NOT care! My kids got gypped this year and I am going to make this a fantastic Christmas...and dammit...I'm a live!!

I took my cancer team each a little gift. I got a big bag of lifesaver candies and tied a note to it that said "Merry Christmas to my Wonderful LifeSavers". I wrote "thanks to you I am here this year".

After radiation today they gave me a graduation certificate! It was totally funny. They gave me a hope bracelet and a hospital mug (which are most coveted). The graduation certificate had everyone on the staff's signature and well wishes...I loved it.

I had some weird mixed emotions today. I was thrilled to be done, but I was very emotional. Not sad to leave, just emotional that I had finally finished the treatments and the hard part of this is OVER. It has consumed my life for seven LONG months and now my life is taking a different turn. I am ready to move on. I want to be the helper now, I want to help others. So many have been there for me, now I am ready to be there for someone else. I am ready to be a full-time Mommy again and be there physically and emotionally/mentally to my beautiful children. I am ready to reconnect with my amazing husband and focus on something other than CANCER!!! I will say though I will never forget and I will never stop advocating for this cause...it is so important to get the word out and be there for people still going through it!!

My wonderful friend and former chemo buddy Deon, gave me the most beautiful painting of the Lord crossing the raging ocean with this saying written on it:

"When the billows of Change encompass me,
When it's surges dash furiously,
And the foam thereof is nigh unto overwhelming,
Thy power will sustain me:
I will smile at the rage of the tempest,
And ride fearlessly and triumphantly
Across the boisterous ocean of circumstance".
Eliza R. Snow

Isn't that beautiful! I loved it and hung it right by my door so I can read it everyday before I leave. I truly have learned a valuable lesson about life and change. I also found out I'm not as a big of chicken as I thought I was :) Bring it on!

One more thing then off to sleep city. My adorable husband surprised me with an early Christmas present...a KITTY!! I was so incredibly excited and thrilled beyond words! He is so cute! We named him Fritz. He's solid gray with a white belly. I'm in Love!!
Well...off I go! Goodnight and sleep tight! I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!! I also added the latest portraits of my girls. They weren't very balanced...but aren't they angels!!

Exhausted...Big Surprize

I am so exhausted tonight! I have so much to do and my house is a mess. I have laundry to do and a floor to vacuum! I have Christmas cards to send and neighbor gifts to deliver...am I insane? I didn't make candy and goodies this year. I just couldn't muster up the strength! Not to mention if I make it, I eat it, which is not conjunctive to the weight loss plan! (almost 16 lbs so far, 55 to go)!

I worked today and I am glad this day is almost over. It is really snowing outside and the roads are terrible. I usually hate the snow (don't ask me why I live in Idaho) but this year it feels cozy to me. Maybe it's that I am learning to enjoy the little things in life. I am grateful to be here this Christmas…I very easily could have not been. The girls are curled up watching Whinny the Pooh. I plan to join them once I am done here and plug in the Christmas lights and relax! Screw laundry...if my husband needs clothes for tomorrow I'll give him fair warning he has none. As for dinner, it will have to be leftovers!

I am counting down the days until radiation is OVER!! Four more to go!!! I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can. Today I scheduled my after radiation check-ups with my oncologist and surgeon. That felt really good. Really, Really good!

I Miss My Mind the Most

Wow, I have been terrible at writing the past several weeks. I need to get better. You know the saying..."out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most". Well, that rings a little true these days! Then you add the holidays on top of that and you have a complete psychotic woman on the loose! Never the less here I am!

This is my VERY LAST week of radiation! I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I really didn't think I would make it! I hated it! This week they start what is called the "boost" treatments. They have been radiating from my collarbone down to under my breast, and from my cleavage to my backside. It is so red and irritated. Last week it started blistering quit a bit and peeling off. I still feel like I am nursing a newborn. If I get bumped...I about jump out of my skin.

This week however, they will only radiate my original tumor site (which is called a boost). Which granted is still a large area...but it's not my entire left side! The doctor said the skin that isn't being radiated would start to heal. The boost is concentrated on the surgical area to assure eradication of any cancer cells left in that area, which has the highest likelihood of reoccurrence. In that case...radiate away!!

The fatigue is something else! I am so tired!!!!! It has been somewhat of an accumulative process. If I have one minute of down time I am either sleeping of staring blankly at the wall. I have been terrible at keeping in touch...sorry. I feel like a wet washrag! However, I appreciate the love and support of those around me! You keep my spirits high!

Hopefully, my journey through breast cancer is coming to an end! I never thought I would make it. I try and keep positive by not dwelling on the chances I may have of reoccurrence. I will cross those bridges when/if I get there. I tell my husband if I can go through chemo and be on T.V. bald...I can do anything!!

As I reflect back the past six months, my heart is full of gratitude for both my life and for the phenomenal people in my life. Had it not been for cancer, I may have never met some of the amazing people I have. I heard a saying once that goes something like this..."the deeper the sorrow and pain cut into the soul, the more room there is to fill it up with joy". That is how I feel about this experience. It has been the fight of my life so far...but what I found was great joy. So many lessons learned. How lucky I am!

Raw Deal

I am having a pretty good day. It's amazing when I don't have radiation, I don't feel AS tired. Today is Saturday and I have the weekend off radiation which is like a mini vacation. I have had a bad attitude about this and wonder if I can make it through the next few weeks. The rash on my chest is so painful and irritated. It is almost up my neck...it's like trying to hide a hicci in highschool.

I have been exhausted this week. I have been crazy busy and when I have two seconds to sit down, I about fall asleep. Yesterday, I just needed to sleep. I started feeling the guilt again over being a bad Mom. I felt like my kids are getting a raw deal. They get a mom who to them looks lazy and sleeps all the time. They want me to read and play games and some days I just CAN'T do it. It feels horrible to me. It must feel horrible to them. Everyone says this was a good age for them to be, for me to go through cancer because they won't remember. Yet, as a mental health worker I worry about their personality development and stuff like that. I want what is best for them but I am too tired to do it. I am feeling the same way I did going through chemo.

My two year old just came up to me with a tube of the salve I keep on my radiation area to keep the skin from cracking and falling off. She pulled up her shirt and wanted me to put some on her. They don't miss a thing even when you don't think they are looking. Only a few more weeks...