MRI

Today was a stressful day. I had a check-up with my fabulous oncologist Christian T. Shull today. I told him I had been having headaches consistently for about three weeks. The kind that are always there and sometimes they are terrible and sometimes they subside but linger and never really go away. Well, I mentioned this to him and he said..."I know what you're thinking and let's just get an MRI and rule out any problems so we don't worry about it". I am SO glad he would do that...but I also FREAKED out.

I started thinking and preparing for the very worst. It was amazing to me the range of emotion I felt and how quickly that fear came back. I laid in the MRI and cried. I broke down to my husband and cried. He tried to reassure me it was nothing and the scan wouldn't show anything. But...let me tell you, when you have been told over and over you don't have cancer...then one day they call and say "opps...you really do have cancer, and it's a REALLY bad, aggressive kind"...trust becomes an issue. I told him that wasn't reassuring and not to say that to me anymore. I wanted to believe it was nothing, but the reality that it very easily could be, was just as real!!

May 25th (diagnosis day) echoed in my mind and all those same emotions and fears came into play. I kept picturing them calling and saying..."we found a tumor, it has spread to your brain, there's nothing we can do." It felt hopeless, scary, and overwhelming. I felt trapped and feared the worst...not being able to raise my children.

We discussed the chances of reoccurrence and metastasis. Not my favorite subjects. I am the type of person who has to know where I stand in all areas of my life...including cancer. Although, knowing all the facts sometimes depletes my sense of hope and faith.

Anyway, by the time I left the MRI and drove to my sisters to get my girls...my fantastic doctor called with the results showing no signs of tumors/cancer. Halleluiah! I pleaded with the Lord again today to spare my life once more so I can raise these girls. I made a promise to be a more patient and loving mother and a better person. I know my prayers were answered once again. Again, my reality is put back into perspective. It's amazing how quickly priorities get out of alignment and then smacked back into line.

A day that started off bad and ended good. Tonight my niece came over and we stayed up and played games. We always laugh and have a good time. I went to dinner with my sisters and I felt comfort. Thank goodness for family and friends. I cry for those who have to go through this alone...it shouldn't happen. Everyone should have a shoulder to cry on.

I plan on 2006 being the BEST year yet! This year sucked and it can only get better!! That's what I'm planning on and what I intend to have happen. I will life to the fullest and enjoy it more.