Friday, March 03, 2006

Hopeless

Tonight I am feeling so hopeless. I have been in a dark hole for over a month now and I can't seem to climb out of it. I feel like I am scratching at the sides and keep slipping down further and further.

I am worrying about dying from this damn cancer. My husband has been working on my case regarding the "failure to diagnose" against the women's clinic. He told me after MUCH prodding the actual statistics of reoccurrence I can expect due to "their" failure to treat when I first went in, compared to what it is now. IF they would have treated me when I first went in there was roughly a 12% chance of a reoccurrence. Now it is 47%. 47%. 47%. A Freak'n 47% chance I will have to go through that hell all over again. A 47% chance it will get me next time. That really scares me. Had I realized this, I may have strongly reconsidered having the double mastectomy regardless.

I feel like giving up. I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. Why be healthy? Why do everything I can...there is almost a 50% chance it will just come back and consume my body. Glass half empty huh. I just don't have the energy to be positive and fight. Everyone tells me to "be positive", "keep fighting", "it will be alright"...I know it's all meant well...but, as the wise words of a fifty's song once said..."it's my party and I can cry if I want to".

I know this is morbid and dark but I love the song by "Three Doors Down", Here With Out You Baby. And should I meet an early demise I want my husband to sing it at my funeral.

Here With Out You Baby
Three Doors Down

A Hundred days have made me older,
Since the last time I saw your pretty face.
A thousand lives have made me colder
And I don’t think I can look at this the same.
But all the miles that separate
Disappeared now when I’m dream’n of your face.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
But you’re still with me in dreams
And tonight it’s only you and me.

The miles just keep roll’n
As the people lead their way to say hello.
I’ve heard this life is overrated,
But I hope that it gets better as we go.

I’m here without you baba,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.

I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

Everything I know, and everywhere I go.
It gets hard, but it won’t take away my love.
And when the last one falls.
When it’s all said and done.
It’s get hard!
But, it won’t take away my love.

I’m here without you baby,
But you’re still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
And I dream about you all the time.
I’m here without you baby
You’re still with me when I dream
And tonight it’s only you and me.

And the Oscar for Leading Actress in a Dramatic Series goes to Dana Hyer Whiting in "Crazy with Cancer". Applause...........eye roll

11 comments:

cary said...

Dana,

you and I must be on the same wave-length, because I think I may have just alienated a bunch of my readers by writing how I really feel about this freakin' disease.

God bless you.

It's never your responsibility to be "brave" and no one can tell you you always have to feel like fighting...if you don't go through the dark stuff you'll never get it out of your system.

I know it from experience -- while Lori has been down that dark path a few time now, I myself am only just now starting to walk it, and it is ugly and painful, and frightening, and lonely....but it's the only way to get to the light at the other side.

We love you Dana...you don't have to stay strong, just stay with us.

Lori Miller said...

Dana Darling,
Its late as i read your blog so i don't have time for the kinda response I would like to write to you.

I must tell you of a ironic story involving two individuals that we both know. I don't have time now but I will write back ASAP.

You are loved and not forgotten,
lori

Minerva said...

Dana,
Of course you are angry, scared and bitter - you are absolutely bound to be and who the hell says that we have to be cheerful? Cancer isn't cheerful - it is crappy, feels like hell and confronts us constantly with our own mortality...

But remember, numbers are just that, numbers - they tend to be historical and they are also just a number... whereas we are complex and wonderful human beings who will get through this... I too face the chance of recurrence - hell my tumour is the only tumour I know which has grown 25% through chemo (!) but you know what? If I can beat it once, I can sure as hell do it again and the same is true of you...

Huge hugs to you....and with you every step of this blasted journey,

Minerva

Carolyn said...

Dana,
For what it's worth, I have a PhD in engineering and TEACH statistics at university, so I can tell you for sure that STATISTICS LIE. (there is even a book I use in my class called "how to lie with statistics") As minerva so eloquently says, they do not take into account the many wonderful facets of YOU (let alone recent and future advances) and that 47% comes associated with the huge uncertainty that makes it just a WAG anyway.
But those numbers are scary. I really get you on that. And it's impossible to beat them to the far corners of your mind all the time... and you can't be expected to.
but I can tell you something that's absolutely true: you have made a huge difference in my life and journey by being so sweet and funny and honest and responsive-- (and I'm just a "cyber friend")
Numbers got nothin' on you.
All my very best.
cn

Kristi Collins said...

Dana, i was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2001. on my 31st bday. i can relate to the 'failure to diagnose'. my gyno said i was too young for bc when i showed him the lump. 8 months later i finally got a mammo. it ended up being 1.5cm (not very large) BUT had already spread to one lymph node and broke through it! i think those 8 months made a difference.
i think that my risk of recurrance is about 25% (after chemo and tamoxifen). i always think about that. i used to be much more of a basketcase then i am now. i think the lexapro i'm taking helps so much with the anxiety.
i'm always waiting for that other shoe to drop! it sucks but i have learned to live with the fear and still be happy. if that makes sense
Kristi Collins

Minerva said...

Danahas been suffering since the end of treatment feeling as so many patients do nervous about the future and devoid of support. Go and read her post and offer her some of your support.

Keri said...

Dana,

I'm betting on the 53%. Statistics include a whole lotta information. And I know too many people who outlive the statistics. They're just numbers on a page darlin', numbers on a page.

As david bailey would say (lyrics for his song "Hey" and he's going strong nearly 10 years after being told he would only live 6-12 months)...

"He said I only had a year to live. I said maybe so, but maybe not - could be, I only have tomorrow - and who are you to tell me what I got? He said I’m a man who’s wise and learned. Everyday I get paid for my advice. I said that’s fine, but I’ll remind you, I’m stronger than your laboratory mice! He said, yes, but I can’t ignore my numbers - I’ve got a chart that spells it out in black and white. I said, yes, but I see the world in color - kind of puts it all in a different light. So please be careful with the words you use. There are those who will believe the things you say - but you and I both know you’re only guessing."

Numbers on a page, Dana. Live each day. Smooches...

Zee said...

Dana, I just found your site. I'm glad I did.

God bless you. May he continue giving you strength to keep on keepin' on.

carol said...

Dana:
I was diagnosed at age 48 in November, 2004. I was early Stage 2 [spread to the sentinel node only] but I still had to go through the hell of chemotherapy and radiation. Only someone who has been through it can really understand.

I have to have a biopsy tomorrow of some calcifications in my other breast. While tehy reassue me that 80% of the time, they are benign, I am still scared shitless as I'm sure you can understand. I don't know if I could face another summer like last summer. I said to my counselor, this fear is the tumor they CAN'T excise from your body. it's there day in and day out.

When I first got sick, I put this quote on my bulletin boards at work and at home. It gave me strength when I thought I would rather just drive head-on into an 18-wheeler.

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you stop to look fear in the face; you must do the thing which you think you can not do." Eleanor Roosevelt

and this one from Henry David Thoreau:

"When the dog is chasing you, turn around and whistle for it."

Keep the faith and know that you have many sisters out here, and if we all keep each other in our prayers, we can stay strong.

Carol

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About Me

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I am a 36 year old woman, married to a great guy, and together we have three beautiful daughters. I am a three and a half year breast cancer survivor. This past year I have become active in the cause of helping those who are batteling cancer!