Ready to Write

Here I am ready to write a little. I have taken a hiatus this past month, unable to deal with a whole lot due to the mounting stress and other life factors that aren't in my favor these days. I tell you...when it rains, it pours!

I am still clawing my way up the dark pit of depression I find myself in. I'm not gaining much ground and wonder if I will ever get out. I have been working with a counselor concerning the depression and grief issues. I am constantly amazed how easily I cry and the despair and fear bubble right to the surface. Last week I actually locked myself in the bathroom and cried from the bottom of my guts. I feel hopeless and trapped.

As far as the cancer thing is concerned I am still "pretending" it's all-good. I don't have the strength to do more tests right now. I have decided to hold off on more surgery (mastectomies) and wait until the left breast can actually be reconstructed. I haven't sought out any more opinions. I have talked more with my oncologist and met with several women who have had mastectomies or scheduled to have one. I just can't bear the thought of more surgery and recovery right now...I just can't.

We did file suit for medical malpractice. When I was having the second biopsy performed, the tech said to the doctor something about the 2:00 position being prepped. Brent and I looked at each other and asked them about that. They explained the breast is marked like a clock and they would be doing the biopsy at the 2:00 position at the end of my original tumor bed. The medical records from the stupid nurse practitioner stated my original tumor (the bee bee sized one I first went in for) was located at 10:00 not 2:00. It was most definitely located at 2:00. She had written it down wrong, making it on the other side (the opposite) of my breast. No wonder the insurance malpractice experts said that couldn't have been the same lump that grew into my 10 cm tumor. I was so frustrated and upset. Now it will be my word against her bogus medical records. Just goes to show what incompetence I was dealing with.

I had lunch this week with a woman who has the BRCA1 gene and had bilateral mastectomies. I appreciated her honesty and willingness to talk to me about her battle with cancer (twice). It felt good to talk with someone who had lived out some of the same things I am facing. I still don't feel any closer to knowing what to do. As stupid and maybe as foolish as it sounds, I feel like I need to hold back a while and wait. I am still weighing things out.

I feel like I have lost my sense of humor. I have so much more to write...but I will have to continue later! Happy Easter!