Dead on my Feet!

I really should be in bed a sleep...why I'm not really is beyond me! I continue to hate radiation and the effects are really getting to me. I am having some bad reactions and it is driving me CRAZY. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...short drive! Really, I am having this terrible choking sensation and a sore throat like no other. I also have a rash all over my chest like I did with Adrimyician (chemo) this summer. My lips are swollen and I feel like I have hives or something. They mentioned I maybe having a adrimycian memory reaction being brought up by the stress of the radiation. What ever is going on...I am going batty. I really am half tempted to never go back!

I have been in a foul mood and I am so tired I can barely think straight! You might ask why I am posting so late if I am so damn tired...well...I just needed to vent a little so I can sleep! I went back to work yesterday, which was actually really good for me. It felt as though I had never left. I thought I could either sit around and worry about paying medical bills or I could get out there and do something about it! So, that's what I decided to do. I am just going to have to pull it together and organize myself. I love what I do, and I am good at it too...so really it's a positive thing. I told my co-workers if they see me hunkered down in the corner to come and wake me up!
Well, that's enough of that tonight! I NEED sleep. Good night!

Here I am

A few people have become concerned about my lack of communication the last couple of weeks. Here I am...a live and kicking...well, okay alive! I am so busy and so tired I cannot even tell you! I have not had the energy to do much of anything except the very minimal required of me. I am mentally depleted and physically drained. The radiation is catching up to me quickly! If I haven't already written it... I HATE RADIATION!! It is a pain in the butt! I hate the drive, I hate the schedule, and I hate lying on a table without a top on with fifty people in the room. Incase you didn't catch it...I HATE RADIATION!! I am so tired! Everyone told me radiation isn't as bad as chemo (which it isn't, not much could be), but it sucks in it's own unique way! I'm not sick, but I am just bone tired and I feel like I have a really bad sunburn. The nurse told me it is too soon to be having a skin reaction...kinda of like I'm too young to have cancer. Bite me! Tell that to my sore nipple that feels like I've been nursing a newborn...OUCH!

The crazy thing is I have decided to go back to work after Thanksgiving (part-time) because the medical bills are piling up and we need the cash flow! I'm not sure if I can do it, but I've got to try. Good thing is I love what I do. Wish me luck!

I have got to write about something absolutely ironic! The last few weeks I had agreed to help with a tree for the Festival of the Trees. My oncologist is the one who sponsored it and his wife is who spearheaded the decorating. We worked for two weeks on this thing! It turned out absolutely beautiful! It was called the tree of hope. The tree had birdcages on it with birds flying up portraying hope. To the side of the tree was a framed poem with the poem by Emily Dickinson "Hope is a Feather." Well, the ironic thing is, people/businesses from the community come to the festival and buy the trees, and the proceeds go to a local charity. When I got there the first night my doctor and his wife said, "you are NEVER going to believe who bought the tree". I couldn't imagine who...but when I looked at the plaque I about fell over! One of the main doctor's from the clinic that misdiagnosed me for over a year was the one who bought it! At least she paid out the nose for it!

I have also been asked to be on the board for a new non-profit foundation set-up to help cancer patients in our community. I was nominated as the secretary, which should keep me busy! The board has some awesome people on it! We had a board meeting the other night and we came up with some great ideas to help cancer patients here in little old Idaho Falls. I feel like I have "taken" for the past six months...it's time for me to give back. I feel honored to be able to be a part of this. So, if any of you out there have ideas, please send them to me! Since we are in a smaller area with patients who come from rural areas for treatment, there is such a need! Some people come clear from Jackson Hole, WY and Island Park, Idaho everyday for radiation/chemo. Which is over an hour drive each way with some pretty scary road conditions.

Last week at church I gave a lesson in Relief Society about our bodies and the importance of taking care of them and accepting them. When I introduced the lesson, I said "I don't know how you will feel about a fat, bald women, with cancer giving you this lesson, but I hope you can see the importance of this lesson". I then talked about the importance of us as women accepting and caring for our bodies. I said " for me to teach this lesson I hope you can accept mine". I then took off my turban and taught the lesson bald. I started bawling but I think the lesson turned out good and I got the points across that I wanted to. The women had a lot of comments and interacted well.

So, as you can see...I have been super busy and when I am not running around with my head cut off...I am sleeping! I appreciate all of you who have been concerned and keep in touch! I have been terrible at this lately, please forgive me!

Oh man...tomorrow is our seventh wedding anniversary! Wow, time flies when you've got a good guy!

A Little Lazy

I haven't posted for over a week. I started to do a post a few days ago and my computer froze...then I never got back to it. I have been insanely busy this week. I started my first week of radiation and it sucks! It really does. It is such a pain in the rear to say the least. I do at least a 40 minute drive round trip everyday to get my kids to my sisters, then I have to drive to the cancer center, then go pick up the kids and drive clear back home on the other side of town. All this for a 10-minute radiation treatment. My "table time" as they call it, is at 9:20 in the morning. I am NOT a morning type of gal and getting there is a major strain. I suppose we will get in to the routine of it...but right now I just hate it!

I got tattooed on Tuesday after the final mapping. I think I got a total of six tattoos, some of which I can't see. I had to lay in the body mold for 45 minutes without moving while they did the final fine-tuning of the radiation points. It was terribly uncomfortable and the mold was poking into my bum. Again there were about four people in the room "helping" to get things just right and moving "things" around. There's nothing like laying on a table in a room full of people with no top on and strangers drawing on your chest!

I have been very tired this week...not chemo tired, but a different type of tired...body tired. I don't know if that makes any sense! I don't feel sick like I did with chemo, just tired and worn out. I have been going to bed early, which is very unusual for me. The other thing that sucks with radiation is the burn. It feels like a deep, achy sunburn, and it's sore. It also feels like engorgement...a strange feeling when you haven't just had a baby!

I have sooo much to write about...good things, but I am too tired and I will have to continue tomorrow! Austa La Pasta

Bean Bag Baby

I usually love fall and the leaves turning and all that goes with it...but I don't like daylight savings and how early it gets dark! I get a little low and tired and want to go to bed at 5 pm. Today has been pretty laid back, not much going on even though I have a ton to do! I just can't seem to get going. I feel so disorganized in my brain and I can't seem to get back into a routine. Seriously, I had a better routine when I was going through chemo...because I had to. Now, I just can't seem to pull it together. I talked to a dear friend of mine who went through cancer this summer too and she expressed the same feelings about feeling overwhelmed with "getting back to life".

My routine is going to change next week for sure. I start radiation at the Cancer Center part of Eastern Idaho's Regional Medical Center. I thought I would start this week, but the planning and mapping is taking longer than I realized it would. I went in Monday for my initial consultation with the radiation oncologist Dr. Calvin McCallister. He went over what radiation is and what they would be doing. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. He did yet another breast exam. I seriously think I've been "felt up" by the entire medical community here in Idaho Falls. It's worse than having a baby...no dignity with the parts.

I went in again to the Cancer Center (where they do the radiation) on Tuesday to get a planning CT scan and do a body mold. It was very interesting. First, the nurse shows me where to change and tells me to put on a cape and go to the radiation waiting room...what? I had to wait in the waiting room without anything on top? Luckily the cape was bigger than the ones they have at oncology! I'm telling you it wouldn't have been a problem when I was 22 and skinny...but now it's a little more risky mostly for those walking by!

Then they took me to the CT room and I had to lie on the CT table on this beanbag type of thing. Then they had to position me exactly how they wanted me for radiation so they could make a body mold. It was somewhat comical. I am lying there on this table with both my arms in the air. My cape is pulled up so they could adjust "things" just right and I swear everyone and their dog came to help out. I'm laying there all hanging out and the tech is introducing me to the head of the cancer center. What am I suppose to say..."Hey there, nice to meet ya"...would you like a looksie to? And then the doctor comes in and is drawing on me and measuring my chest. Then another lady came in to help with the body mold. Good thing I'm not shy...

After they got me in the exact position they needed me in, they sucked all the air out of the beanbag thing making it as hard as a rock...Walla a body mold. Different from what I had in mind. I was sorta thinking more a long the lines of the old plaster stuff they used to make casts out of...sorry for the visual. Anyways, they will then take that mold and put it on the radiation table so I can lie in that exact position every time. They also taped some marks on me that I have to keep on until next week (which are driving me crazy). When they decide the marks are in the precise place they need to be they will tattoo them on me forever. The tattooed marks will be the places they will radiate. I will have one more mapping appointment next week before we get started to make sure everything is perfectly aligned. I will then have to have 33 radiation treatments, Monday through Friday for 6 1/2 weeks.

As far as the weight loss is going...I am doing okay. Halloween was a killer! A two and four year old can't possible eat all those little candy bars all by themselves! I have maintained but I don't think I will be losing much this week! Just for the rocord though...I did count my points (okay most of them). Brent is doing awesome! He's lost eight pounds too! I've got to do this...but it's hard and food is so good! I will...I will...I will!!