Here's How It Really Is

I received a lot of feedback from my last post. Thank you for your concern. Many have responded to me about not having to "put on a happy face" all the time. Let me assure you that is not the case. This whole thing has sucked, sucked, sucked. I am scared to death and I worry daily about getting cancer back and it taking over my body. In fact, I found another lump and I am going to the oncologist
Thursday. I am terrified. I cried the entire day yesterday and coped out and went to bed when my husband came home. I just couldn't cope anymore.

My husband spoke with the claims adjuster with the malpractice insurance yesterday and they aren't willing to settle this out of court. I was so angry. So very, very angry. We have hired two top attorneys in our area who specialize in medical malpractice who agreed a month ago to take our case given they won't settle. They believe we have a strong case...which we do. The insurance company stated they don't believe the first lump I found (and sought care for) and the tumor were of the same. Can you freaking believe that! It was in the same place, same quadrant of the breast. EVEN if it wasn't (which it WAS)...follow up treatment which is standard of care, and a mammogram would have found the aggressively growing tumor. What a slap in the face.

What makes me so angry is the fact that when I kept going to the doctors saying something was wrong and they wouldn't listen to me...I felt crazy. They even referred me to a psychiatrist for the "depression"...which was fatigue, idiots! So when they called yesterday and said that same thing, I was so overwhelmingly angry...it made me feel "unheard" and "unvalidated" all over again. I was told to go home and run my sore breast (full of stage three breast cancer) under hot water incase it was mastitis. Mastitis my ass...I hadn't nursed in over a freaking year! Had I not gone to another doctor…I would be DYING or already gone.

I am not sure how to deal with all this anger and grief. I am doing everything I know how, everything I teach everyone else as a mental health worker. But, when it's yourself it's different. I know I just have to deal with this and go through it, but it's painful. Emotions are painful.

I will write more about my appointment with my oncologist on Thursday. I've been afraid people will think I am just being a paranoid hypochondriac. I decided I don't care. I can't worry everyday that this lump is nothing, especially when the symptoms feel the same as the first go around. I also worry about the money and having to pay yet more medical bills. My husband put it in perspective that my life is more important than money...and I need to address my health. I still worry about the money, but I will go, even if I have to get yet another $2,000 cat scan.

I feel so hopeless right now. I feel alone. The ironic part of all of this is how hopeless I feel and yet how terrified I feel of having cancer again. My children are really the ones who are getting the shaft. They don't get a "whole" Mom. I do the best I can, but I feel limited and preoccupied. That makes me so sad.... because I love them so very much. Brent too. He is a great husband, so caring and loving. For that I am incredibly lucky.