A Trip to the ER

This week-end didn't turn out like it was suppose to...that's for sure! We went to Utah because we were going to take the girl's to Lagoon, paid by Brent's firm. I was just going to relax at my sister's and not do a thing. We got there Friday night and I started getting hot flashes and then cold chills. I woke up about 2 am throwing up and couldn't stop. My temp went up to 102...which is a "no no" when you're on chemo so we called the on-call doctor. They told me to go to the ER because of the low white count thing. I was so sick I can hardly describe it. I was so weak I could barely get up the stairs to get to the car. My legs were almost totally numb. On the way to the hospital I did a lot of praying, I was so sick and uncomfortable. When we got there, the nurses were less than helpful, let alone compassionate! I was disheartened to be treated so poorly when I was so sick and vulnerable. What a helpless feeling. We stayed in the ER from 7:30 am to around 4 pm...that makes for a very long day. They gave me nausea medication and antibiotics because my blood count was so low. I was so uncomfortable and "knocked out" from all the drugs and throwing up. I was humiliated because I was wheeled around the hospital with the little robe on and just my bald head. I couldn't get my body to move and I felt utter frustration. I made a vow to my Heavenly Father that I would take better care of my body and get my health back. Mostly that means I will lose this weight and care for my body the way it deserves to be treated. I felt like an 80 year old woman. I can not continue to abuse my body and think it won't affect me because "I'm young". I put garbage into it daily and expect it to function well, let alone fight cancer!! I FINALLY GOT IT!! You get back what you put it! I saw and felt it first hand this week-end. I vow today things change! They admitted me overnight to watch for infection. I slept most of the time...I was so tired and wrung-out! Brent was amazing. He was right by my side helping me every inch of the way! He was attentive and caring. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring husband! My best friend April and Matt came to visit and Matt helped Brent administer...what a great comfort. My sister Leigh took the kids to Lagoon and my other sister took my youngest overnight. It was so helpful and comforting to know they were being taken care of and at least got to have some fun.

I got out of the hospital Sunday afternoon. I still felt pretty weak so I slept most of the day. By today thought I felt almost "normal". I even felt good enough to help my sister with an organization project. It still wasn't the week-end we had planned, but it was good to be able to spend some time with family!

Another Day

Just another hot, boring day. I haven't felt too great today...mostly tired and worn down to the core. Thank goodness for my step-daughter who has been so helpful today with her little sisters. I have been taking steroids for the fatigue and nausea...but man they make me feisty! Ask my husband. I feel like I have no control over my body and its functions. I want to eat crappy, then I feel crappy, and I have no energy to exercise. My body doesn't do what my mind wants it to. On thing I desire to get out of this "cancer experience" is to truly, truly learn control over my body and its passions and desires. Things that should be simple like taking better and more consistent care of my body and emotions. Eating better, exercising, taking time for me...all those things that have slowly been put by the way side.

I was able to take my parents to the Oncologist's office today and meet the staff and the doctor. My Dad seemed a little apprehensive about seeing where his daughter is being treated for cancer. But he came along. I think it was helpful for my Mom to see what was happening to me, since she can't always be here. It was sad to see them go today. They have brought me great comfort...by just being here. I have loved watching them with my children and see their little relationships blossom.

My little two years old is really growing up and changing and watching her has brought me great joy this summer. I am very blessed to have three beautiful girl’s! I hope they know how much I love them. Paige gives me the biggest kisses and says “Love you Mommy”…enough to melt me! I must beat this disease!! I get scared that I won't, but I have got to...if not for me....for them!!

Roses

Today was a special day. A young girl (eleven years old) from our church decided she wanted to do something to help me out since I have cancer. She decided to do a fundraiser on my behalf by doing a little daycare where parents could come and drop off there kids for two hours and she had activities set up for them to do. The parents paid their kids to be watched and she donated that money to us for medical bills. Today they brought over a bouquet of roses in a vase with all the money tied around in it. It was adorable!! She had raised a $130.00!! Can you believe that!!??

It was so touching to see such a young girl looking for ways to help others and I was deeply touched and impressed that she would do that for me and my family. I got emotional...I still can't believe how amazing and supportive people have been! I hope she realized what a good thing she did and I hope she realized she made a difference, not just with money, but by restoring faith that people are good and so are the youth! She made a difference in my life!

I feel very blessed and grateful for good people. I hope one day I can return the favor to those around me. I have learned so much about people and their goodness. Even through this crisis I have witnessed such compassion and love from people I hardly know. I hope to become one of those people.

It has been so nice to have my parents here this week. It is comforting to have my Mom just to talk to and just be myself. We were able to get out for an hour and shop a little today, felt nice to be among the living. We went out to dinner and rented a funny movie...it lifted my spirit. It is also so rewarding to watch my children interact with Grandma and Grandpa. I have worried with them living out of state that they wouldn't get to know their amazing Grandparents. To watch them is so rewarding. Paige learned a new trick on the swing set and Addie learned to go down the slide backwards! They were so proud of themselves...and so was I!

Tonight, I am tired and I feel the poison pulse through my veins...a sensation I can't really describe. It wears me out. Nothing physically brings me pleasure...not food, sleep, nothing. I guess that is where my perspectives have changed. True happiness and peace is not physical it's emotional and spiritual...it really is. It's too bad it had to take cancer for me to see that...but I am grateful I see it now. I believe if I don't "get this" now...I won't get it. I am trying.

July 17, 2005 Mom and Dad in town!

Today has been a pretty good day. I am starting to feel the effects of the chemo, but I was able to function okay today. I got up and went to church and stayed for all the meetings. I felt okay, maybe a little run down. Mom and Dad came into town last night. They are staying at my sister's 15 minutes away at night, then they will come here during the day. It feels so nice to have them here. They are on a mission for our church this summer, but are able to take a few days off to come over and help with the kids. There's nothing like having your Mom around when your not feeling well. She is a great Mom. I am grateful to have such good parents!

I am not as discouraged this round so far. I was so drained last time. I am feeling pretty optimistic about things. It is so frustrating when your mind is willing...but your body won't cooperate! I feel like an old woman. I am trying to have a postive attitude...I really am.

Tonight I was watching my girls play outside with Grandpa and it made me realize how important those moments really are. I don't think I enjoyed them as much as I do now. How grateful I am for that change of perspective.

That's all I wanted to write tonight. Good night

A Pretty Good Day.

I have had an okay day today. My parents are here from out of state for 5 days! They are here to help me with the kids when I hit my bad days at the first of the week. I am thirty two years old and having my Mom and Dad near still brings me such great comfort. No one understands me like my Mom and she is a great woman. They hadn't seen me bald until tonight. They tried not to act shocked, but I could tell it was "weird" for them. Who am I kidding...it's still weird for me. I am growing more confident in public though and it feels good to not have to worry about it too much and how I look.

I am getting more done this week-end than I thought I would be able to. I have had more energy since I was put on the steroids. They do make me a little edgy...just ask my hubbies (poor guy). I get this nesting feeling right before I go in for chemo where I feel like I have to have EVERYTHING in total order, because I know I will be down for a good 5-6 days at a time. I have to have my kids things in order, laundry, meals for the week, house cleaning, bills all done a head of time just so I don't get behind. Brent is a wonderful help and really steps up! What a guy!

I am exhausted tonight, but my mind is running a million miles an hour. I guess I better call it a night. One other thing I wanted to add was the wonderful support of people who have been there for me and my family! People from church, friends, and family. I feel so lucky and blessed! My sister Ann has sent me a card or a package nearly every week to cheer me on. Friends have sent kind cards and emails weekly. I can't begin to tell you how much your love and support gets me through. Thank you all! I love and appreciate you!

Love, Dana

Another Chemo Day

I got thought another round of chemo today! I am half way through this mess! I still can't believe I am dealing with cancer, and chemo, and deciding what to do about genetic testing. That subject of genetic testing has been weighing on my mind a lot this past week. I think if I find out that I do have the BC gene mutation, then I will go ahead and have a radical double mastectomy. I can't imagine going through this all over ten years down the road and chance it reoccurring and metastasizing. That is a big worry for me....especially being so young and having young children. My doctor talked with us about it today and explained a ton of my questions. He was honest about it and told me straight up if I react the "incurable" stage...he will tell me and we deal with it head on. I appreciated his honesty! I fell safer knowing I will, and have been dealt with honestly!

Tonight I am feeling "yuck". I am tired and my body feels like it weighs a million pounds...but I can't sleep! I am dreading the upcoming week. I wish it were September and I could be done. I start Taxol the next round I have heard it's worse, and then I have heard it's not as bad as Adrimyician. I guess I just have to find out and see. I am bummed because Deon my chemo buddy finished her chemo today. I will miss chatting with her and having her as a support in the chair. We are planning to go to dinner with our husbands when we both get feeling better.

I am trying be optimistic and hopeful, but I have had a lot of anxiety and worries. All the "what if's". I know for my own health I need to knock it off...but I am also a realistic person that needs to know what is going on so I can make a plan. I feel so "up in the air". This is not what I had planned this summer! :)

I really need to try and get some sleep...but I also know that is what I will be doing for the next week.

"I will survive...I will not lay down and die...oh no not I"...my new theme song!!

Goodnight!

My diagnosis...Breast Cancer

My name is Dana, and I am a 32 year old married mother of three young girls. I was diagnosed with breast cancer about 6 weeks ago. My life has changed dramatically in that short amount of time since being faced with the treatment of my cancer. I have decided to record my experience for several different reasons! I want other women who may be going through a similar experience to seek appropriate treatment and to be their own best advocate! If you feel like something is wrong…DON’T GIVE UP! Find someone who will listen!! I also want and need to write out my feelings and experiences...Mostly so I won't blow up! With that said...I will start from the top.

I went into a very large women's clinic in our town (Idaho Falls, Idaho) a year ago last March (2004) complaining there was a small lump in the ductal area in my left breast. I couldn't get into see a doctor so I was put in with a nurse practitioner. She told me the lump was nothing to worry about and that cancer started in the back of the breast...She even showed me pictures. ...What!…Ductile carcinoma is the number one type of breast cancer. She told me it was probably a clogged milk duct, even though I hadn't been nursing my baby for over 6 months. No follow up...nothing! So, because I trusted her and didn't know better...I didn't think about it again.

I went to this same clinic several times throughout out 2004 complaining of fatigue and various other symptoms. I went in for my yearly exam in September (2004). At that time I had my regular breast exam. The lump was not checked, even though after obtaining my medical records, it should have been. Again, I couldn't get into a doctor, nor the same nurse practitioner...I had to see an entirely new person. This NP kept putting me on different medications for depression and fatigue without little investigative work on what the real cause may have been ( a large growing tumor). I even got a referral to a psychiatrist for the "depression".

By the following February (2005) I was experiencing severe chest pain and I had a sore area in the same breast I found the first lump. The area was tender to touch and begun rapidly growing into a hard mass. I went in one last time to this same clinic to have it checked. I told her it felt like mastitis or like my milk was coming in. My baby was 20 months old and I hadn't breast feed her since she was 2 months old. The same NP told me there was nothing suspicious and not to worry about it. She actually told me to go home and run my breast under warm water and gave me a referral to a cardiologist for the chest pain!! This is a practitioner at a WOMEN'S CLINIC!

From February to April the mass begun growing even more rapidly and was so sore that I couldn't touch it. I am very large breasted to begin with so when I started becoming lopsided, I knew the mass had to be very large and growing rapidly! My husband demanded I go get a second opinion. I felt frustrated and didn't know where to go. The largest women's clinic in our town had told me SEVERAL times it was nothing to worry about.

One night while watching TV, we came across a commercial for a new OB/GYN Margaret Huggins M.D. , who had relocated from California and was taking new patients. I called her the next day and was seen immediately! She examined the mass in my breast and referred me to get testing done THAT DAY! I was sent to get an ultrasound, mammogram, and ultimately a biopsy. All three tests did show the large mass growing in my breast...But did not show CANCER!!! Even the biopsy didn't show cancer. The pathologist even called me a couple days later to tell me the tissue examined was fiber changes in my breast as well as scar tissue, but not to worry because it wasn't cancer. Dr. Huggins, thankfully had the insight to call a local surgeon Dr. Judy Jones who specialists in breast surgery and consulted with her about having the large mass removed regardless of what it was. I shutter to think of what would have happened if she didn’t!

Since I was told it was nothing to worry about I put off going in to Dr. Jones for a couple of weeks. After meeting with her, she urged me to have the mass removed and thought there may be a possible abscess to drain due to the size and tenderness. I scheduled surgery three days later. I am so grateful I did...The mass was a cancerous tumor the size of an orange measuring 10 cm across!! I was diagnosed with infiltrating ductile carcinoma on May 25, 2005...A day I will never forget.