Roller Coasters and Wedding Dresses

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...one of those old rickety ones that shake as you're going up the big hills that you fear might breakdown in the middle of the ride. One minute I am feeling better emotionally and physically. The next I'm screaming going down a huge hill on the roller coaster. I have been so weepy this weekend. I don't know whether to blame it on the chemo, the medications, hormones, depression. I layed in bed last night and cried myself to sleep worrying. I don't trust my emotions, my instinct, or what others think will happen to me. For so long everyone was telling me "it's not cancer". Then it turned out to be cancer, now everyone is telling me..."don't worry, you're going to live through this". What do I believe? I feel scared and hopeless at times. I try and keep a positive attitude, but it's hard when I feel like I'm facing my mortality, and I'm not ready. I feel alone and isolated like no one understands what I'm feeling...not just the physical pains, but the emotional ones.

I worry about my children the most. Will I be there to see them go to kindergarten? Prom? Graduation? College? Marriage? Will I be there to help them make big life decisions? Will I be there to teach them what they need to know to make it in this life? Will I be here to help them pick out their prom dresses...wedding dresses? I'm scared, I want to be here.

The stress is getting to both my husband and I. He tries not to show it, but I know. Trust me I know. Figuring out how to pay all the medical bills and living paycheck to paycheck is enough to slam down anyone. Just getting to the day to day things are a burden. I try to have faith, but I'm worried and falling short. My husband tries to reassure me...but he doesn't know what's going to happen, nobody knows....no one but the Lord. I guess I need to have faith and give the rest to him...there's nothing more I can do.