Night Before Surgery

Tomorrow is Surgery day...yuck. Not looking forward to this, but I am grateful it wont't be as invasive as I initially planned!! I am worrying that they will find more cancer. I guess that's natural. I have been having some pain like I did when my tumor was growing and I get kinda freaked out. I won't relax until the final pathology report comes back negitive.

My Mom came into town tonight. It's always good to have her here...she brings comfort and wisdom. She will be there after surgery and my sister will have the girls.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. I still can't believe all the love and support I have recieved through all of this. I feel so lucky to have such amazing people in my life! My sister-in-law sent up the coolest little book about a broken heart and how it mends and a letter telling me how much she admires my strength. I'm not sure how much strength I have, but it meant a lot to me to get that letter. Thank you everyone!

I will write as soon as I can or have Brent write about how surgery went!

Fantastic News

I have great news! I went into the surgeon for consultation today and she couldn't feel any of the lumps either!! She feels like I will only need another LUMPECTOMY!!! Can you believe that! I am totally floored and grateful! I was expecting the worst and praying for the best! I guess prayer really does work...so does chemo!

Dr. Jones will for sure do a lymph node dissection of at least 10-12 lymph nodes and clear the margins from where the tumor was. They test the tissue while I am still in surgery for any cancer cells especially in the lymph nodes so they can tell if they need to take more. They will do extended testing of the tissue after surgery. If they find any cancer in that tissue they will have to go back in and take more breast tissue, which then may result in a mastectomy. However, at this point she doesn't feel like that is necessary. She has been doing this a long time and I feel like I am in good hands. I just can't believe it. It feels surreal. I almost don't dare get my hopes up. I know Brent said he is feeling the same way.

Part of me feels like I should just get the double mastectomy so I don't have to worry about it again. Then the other part feels totally excited that I don't have to have huge and invasive surgery at age 32 and go through all the reconstruction. I think a big part of not having to have a mastectomy is that I am large breasted to begin with. If I was smaller busted they would probably have to do a mastectomy because it would equal the same amount of tissue they are going to take out. But, since I am larger that much tissue doesn't hardly make a dent in these things :)

I really appreciate everyone’s concern and prayers! Obviously it is working! Dr. Jones said this surgery will be more painful than my first surgery, but not near what it would have been with a mastectomy. Recovery time will be a lot shorter. I still just can't believe it! Oh happy day!!

Surgery is Scheduled

I finally got my surgery scheduled for Friday the 30th. I consult with my surgeon on Monday about my options. I went in for my two week check up with my Oncologist yesterday and I was cleared for surgery. I go in another month for a check up and then I will go in periodically for the next five years. My Oncologist couldn't find ANY lumps yesterday during the exam and felt it was possible I may not need a full mastectomy...but of course they won't know until they get in there and see what cancer is left. I felt optimistic when I left about my prognosis! I just don't dare get my hopes up to high...but I felt good about it yesterday for the first time.

I have been in better spirits the last couple of days. Brent and I went out to dinner last night and were able to spend some time alone. It was wonderful to have an adult conversation with my husband and enjoy each other's company. Brent has been fantastic through all this...I have a good man.

Rainy Day

I am so down today...I just can't seem to kick it. Maybe it's the rain. My mind won't quit running...mostly thinking about the surgery. I haven't really allowed myself to think about it until yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I indeed will be losing body parts. Hair was hard enough, but it grows back...boobs don't.

I was doing some research on the procedures yesterday and I freaked out a little. I didn't take into account the recovery time and pain factors. Then I freaked out more when I started reading about cancer reoccurrence. Brent came home from work and he could tell I had been crying. I didn't want to talk about it right before dinner...so I snapped at him and told him I didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I get so sick of talking about "it". Other times I need so desperately to get "it" out of my head that I feel like I am going crazy if I don't talk it through. Last night I think the stress built up and we bickered all night.

I couldn't sleep so I got up and read and prayed a little for some answers and strength. Plus, my two year old has been a bear lately and won't sleep through the night. So we have all been waking up tired and grumpy this week...doesn't help matters any.

My visiting teachers just left (women from church who come monthly to check on each other). It lifted my spirits a little talking about spiritual matters. It is so comforting to know people are there to help if I need it. I am blessed. I just need to pull it together and work this out in my brain. I am trying to get in the mindset of taking things as they come instead of thinking years ahead and fearing the cancer will return. I get a head of myself and that's when I freak out. I just need to take it day by day and "this too shall pass".

My Get Up and Go....Got Up and Went!

Man, I feel like a lump on a log today. My get up and go...got up and went. Isn't that a country song or something? I have had a cold for two and a half weeks now. My body just doesn't seem to want to fight it off. Hopefully it's busy fighting cancer!!

I have tried to get a few things done around the house, but I haven't been too successful at it. The effects of the chemo are starting to disappear except for the numbness/pain in my hands and feet from the Taxol and some fatigue. I'm not sure I remember a time when I wasn't tired. I look forward to feeling good again!! We went for a walk yesterday and my feet felt like they were on fire. Hopefully it will go away. Dr. Schull said the neuropathy can sometimes be permanent. Yeah, that's all I need!

I am proud to report I am starting to get a little peach fuzz on my head!! I thought there was no way it would start growing back this soon, but my husband and friends have confirmed that there is definitely fuzz. I have grown tired of being bald and look forward to having some locks again! I don't however, look forward to having to shave various parts of my body...that part has been awesome! I haven't even been wearing my caps and turbans...all it is now is a baseball hat. I just don't care anymore.

We are planning to go to Utah this weekend to see my family. We didn't do anything fun this summer and we need to get out. I will be having surgery soon and need a little break before hand. Brent is taking me on a date Thursday to celebrate no more chemo. Thursday is my usual chemo day. Instead...we are going out on the town. Something to look forward to.

Break Down

Tonight I had a breakdown and started bawling to my husband. My four year old Addie came in the kitchen where my husband was hugging me and made it a group hug. I hate crying in front of my kids. It makes them scared because I am really not a crier.

I got scared about dying again. I also got angry about being misdiagnosed for over a year. It makes me CRAZY to think this should have been diagnosed early and I did my part but the medical field did NOT! I wouldn't have had to go through this extensive of treatment if I was treated earlier....It makes me so ANGRY! Brent and I talked more about legal action and what we want to do. It just freaks me out to think the women's clinic I went to could be doing this to other women...delaying treatment and risking their lives....just like they did to me. I kept telling them I had a lump and I wasn't feeling right....

I know it's important to stay positive...and I usually do, but right now I am scared and angry. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. Is the cancer gone? Did the chemo work? Will I have to have a mastectomy? Will I live? It's so much to think about and I don't know how to handle it...so I am writing about it to at least get it out of my head.

Warning: Reading...Not for the Weak :)

What a week....thank goodness it is almost over! In my mind, as crazy as it sounds, I half way expected this last treatment to be nothing since it was my last one. I think it may have been the worst. I have ached and thrown-up this treatment more than usual. My hands and feet have been numb and tingeling...then they hurt...But, hey it's over right? I haven't written all week just because I have felt so miserable.

Surgery is weighing heavy on my mind. I really need some feedback, so please let me know you opinion!! I still need to consult with my surgeon Dr. Jones, but I think I am going to do a double mastectomy like I mentioned beforehand. Brent talked to a BC survivor yesterday who recommended if I have to have a mastectomy on one side to defiantly do both. I have heard that from a lot of women who have had one side done and either regret not doing both or have ended up going back and having the other side done. It just seems like a HUGE decision to make to me, and I need more information. I have been thinking about the moment I wake up from surgery and don't have breasts...scary. I know I have to deal with this...frankly I just don't know how. Reconstruction is a ways down the road so I will be living that way for up to a year. They have to wait until after the radiation. And another question is will insurance pay for the surgery if the right side elective?

I have always been large breasted and that has been a big part of who I am (big, get it ha ha)...this will be so weird. In the big picture I know it doesn't matter. Living to raise my girls it what is important. When I get really down, my dear husband is the one who reminds me I am doing this so I can be there to send my girls to kindergarden.

I am definitely going through menopause and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Oh, my poor husband. I have having hot flashes like mad! One minute I am freezing, especially my feet. The next I am absolutely hot and sweating like I ran a marathon...which we all know IS NOT the case! :) Nighttime is the worst! And can we say MOODSWINGS...worse than a teenage girl. Now that's bad. I will be calm one minute and screaming like a mad woman the next. I feel like I am losing my mind. Some would say it was gone long ago (Brent).

I have started to accept there won't be more kids and I am trying to concentrate on the positive. I am grateful for the girls I have...ewww they are cute! I think it's ironic that I am the youngest of four girls and I am the first to go through menopause!! Aren't sister suppose to be able to give advice on this sort of thing?? They are the ones who taught me about periods and all that stuff. Now I will tell them about menopause? Crazy!

Anyways, please let me know what you think about the surgery thing. I really want some advice and a differnt perspective. Thanks!

Chemo is kick'n my Butt

I am feeling the effects of chemo tonight! Thank goodness for good drugs. My body feels like it's on fire, especially my mouth. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and my mouth felt burnt! I sat at the kitchen table sucking on ice cream just to cool it off. What a weird sensation. Feels like I drank a steaming hot bowl of soup. My tongue and lips throb. The pain is setting in and I feel like a wrung out washrag!

I can make it though knowing that this is my last treatment. I pray I never have to go through this again! I know I'm only half way through this cancer thing, but they say chemo is the worst! Lets hope that is true...and pray for smoother sailing from here!

Friends had the girls today so I could rest. I had to go back to the clinic to get my shot to boost my white blood cells. I got a call from work saying they wanted to see me. I popped in to say hi and they invited me to lunch next week. It was nice to see a few people from work. They are a fun crowd. It felt nice to laugh and be missed. I not totally sure I am going back. I feel like being a Mom is so important right now, even if work is part-time. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I talked with Mom and Dad tonight. I can't wait to see them next week. It will be nice to have them home. I am blessed with good parents. They help me keep things in perspective. Well, I better get to bed. I hate sleeping so much...never thought I'd write that since sleep is my respite! I laid on the couch for two hours tonight unable to move until my medication kicked in. The girls danced to the radio and showed me their moves they learned in dance class. Faith made the competition team tonight and I think she was really happy about it. I am proud of her she is really growing up.

Well, goodnight...I'll write more when I can. I appreciate all of your love and concern!

Last Chemo Treatment!!

Just a quick post! My last treatment...hopefully forever (knock on wood)!!! I can't believe it! I was diagnosed with BC on my 4 year old's last day of preschool and today is my last treatment and her first day of school! Kind of funny!

I am in good spirits today. I have all the things I needed to get done...done! I try to get things together, plan meals, clean the house (with Brent's help) and make sure things are in semi-order knowing I will be down for a good week. It feels a little weird knowing this is the last time I go in! I have received a lot of well wishes from all of you! THANK YOU! It means the world to know I have the support of good people! I couldn't have done it with out you!!!

My sister Ann sent me a package yesterday to celebrate my last treatment! It was so wonderful! I started bawling, but with tears of joy! It hit me that it's almost over! Thank you Ann! Ann has sent me a card every week all summer! They have lifted my spirts immensely!

I will probably schedule surgery today. I talked with a woman yesterday who is a BC survivor. She is out 11 years!! She had Dr. Judy Jones do her mastectomy and she also works at the Recovery Center. Her comment to me was that Dr. Jones is the best. I felt reassured that I am with the right surgeon. I have almost decided to do a full mastectomy depending on if the left one has to go. I don't want to waste my life worrying if it will come back on the other side. I know myself and that is what I would do! I want to carefully consult with both Dr. Christian Shull (my oncologist) and Dr. Jones, and then make a final decision.

My next big thing is to lose this ghastly fat I have accumulated the past 6 years. If I can beat breast cancer...surely I can lose 60 pounds! In fact, I am committing myself to everyone who reads this that I will do it by May! My dear friend Becca has recently lost 25 lbs and started running again. She is running the Susan G. Kommen Race for a Cure in SLC, UT this coming May for me! Isn't that amazing! She has inspired me to do the same and get my behind in the race as well. I may only be able to walk it...but by darn...I will be there! Thanks Becca for your example! You know, Cancer has really sorted out the people in my life who I know truly care...and you are one of them. Thankfully, I am blessed with incredible people in my life!

So much for a quick post huh? Oh well... :)

Happy Days

I just wanted to write a quick, positive note saying the past few days have been very good! I have felt like my old self the past few days (I don't know if that's good or not come to think of it :) Thursday is my very last treatment of chemotherapy!!!!! I can't believe it. I am blessed because this summer really has gone faster than I could have imagined. I never thought it would get here...and here it is!

I was talking to my Mom tonight about my mixed emotions with finishing chemo. It feels bittersweet. Weird, I know. I have gotten to know the Oncology staff and they have become positive people in my life. Now, I won't see them weekly. Very compassionate people. I feel like a better person knowing them. I have also gained many valuable life lessons from this experience I fear will not continue once this is over. People have been so compassionate and helpful. I have had a lot of positive things happen...along with the hellish ones. It still amazes me that spectrum of human emotions can oscillate between such a wide variety of feelings, sometimes at the very same time!

I am worrying about surgery. This maybe the defining moment in all of this. This is when they go in and see if the chemo did it's job and what my future holds as far as ongoing treatment...or the ever revered title of "cancer free". This is an experience I will never forget. I know I am only half way through this. I worry about writing too much for fear I might jinx myself. But, I hope and pray the cancer will be gone and I can become an advocate for other women going through this trial!

That is all I wanted to write. Except to say I had a great day with my little ones. I took them to the river for a picnic and got some sunshine and fresh air. I am learning to never take advantage of these priceless moments. Goodnight!

Chemo Fog

I am SO tired this morning....I'm not sure I will make it through the day! This is what is called the chemo fog. I am going through the motions, but don't feel much. My brain literally feels like it's in a fog. The only way I can explain it to people, it is like having to get up at 3 am to go the bathroom, and you're just to tired to get up. When you do finally make it to the bathroom you feel like your body weighs a million pounds and you barely remember it in the morning. I feel like a zombie!

I had to add this picture...isn't my Peach a sweetie!! I was typing and she climbed on the back of my chair and I had my camera handy. My girls keep me going! Literally :) I love them so much! Look at that smile...it melts me! She was saying "CHEESE"!!!

As you can see I am looking more and more like an Alien. Maybe I could make some money as a movie extra in a horror flick! My eyebrows and lashes are almost gone. I am pale (except for those freckles) and I have little life left in my face...thank goodness for my permanent lip color otherwise I'd look dead.

I have a lady from church coming to pick the girls up around 2:00 so I can hopefully sleep. I'm not sure I can make it until then. I am proud to say the girls are dressed, their hair is done and I actually got the dishes done!! I wish I could offer more...I have so little to give. I have a lot planned when this chemo stuff is done! I will conquer the world and never take my health for granted again! NEVER!