Rainy Day

I am so down today...I just can't seem to kick it. Maybe it's the rain. My mind won't quit running...mostly thinking about the surgery. I haven't really allowed myself to think about it until yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I indeed will be losing body parts. Hair was hard enough, but it grows back...boobs don't.

I was doing some research on the procedures yesterday and I freaked out a little. I didn't take into account the recovery time and pain factors. Then I freaked out more when I started reading about cancer reoccurrence. Brent came home from work and he could tell I had been crying. I didn't want to talk about it right before dinner...so I snapped at him and told him I didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I get so sick of talking about "it". Other times I need so desperately to get "it" out of my head that I feel like I am going crazy if I don't talk it through. Last night I think the stress built up and we bickered all night.

I couldn't sleep so I got up and read and prayed a little for some answers and strength. Plus, my two year old has been a bear lately and won't sleep through the night. So we have all been waking up tired and grumpy this week...doesn't help matters any.

My visiting teachers just left (women from church who come monthly to check on each other). It lifted my spirits a little talking about spiritual matters. It is so comforting to know people are there to help if I need it. I am blessed. I just need to pull it together and work this out in my brain. I am trying to get in the mindset of taking things as they come instead of thinking years ahead and fearing the cancer will return. I get a head of myself and that's when I freak out. I just need to take it day by day and "this too shall pass".