A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have to write that I had a great weekend with my family and I actually felt pretty good! I wasn't sick OR tired...amazing!

Friday night I did have a MAJOR breakdown and couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. I truly don't think I have cried like that for a long, long time. I wept until there were no more tears. Brent was so worried he called my Mom who he knew could calm me down. And...she did.

I cried to my Mom for an hour about all my fears and feelings about my experience with cancer. It has consumed my life to a certain degree and now I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like everyone, including myself expected me to be better now that surgery was over and the cancer has receded...and I'm not. I realized that getting well is a process of it's own and it will take some time. I just get anxious and want to move a head quicker than my body is willing. I had been so exhausted last week, I seriously worried I would never feel good again. It was/is a very real fear. Fatigue and depression scare me. Especially raising two young girls who have so much energy!!! I worried the depression had been triggered by the surgery and I was going back down to the depths of hell. I hate depression...almost as much as I hate cancer. I felt bleak and hopeless.

People might think cancer is a physical battle...but it is an emotional and spiritual battle far more than it is physical. It has challenged every belief and emotion in me. It has challenged my core character. I have had to look deep inside myself and find strength I didn't know existed. I have had to examine every aspect of my life...my marriage, my relationships with my family and my children. I have had to face things I need to change and prooded me to change the things I've wanted to improve. I have had to sort out the good from the bad in my soul. Through it all I have found out I am of worth and I have things to offer others I didn't know were there. All in all I still have a lot of improving to do.

These are but a few of the conclusions I have come to:
I have realized I do have a strong marriage and my relationship with Brent has deepened significantly. Cancer has shown his true character...one of a loving, thoughtful, and committed man. He has been by my side and offered encouragement and love even when I know he was on the brink himself. Our marriage has endured some hard times but cancer has cemented us together. I have found my attitude towards him and our marriage have changed for the better. The little annoyances are still there...but they don't matter as much. He has looked past the fat, ugly, baldness and loved me for who I am not what I look like.

I have learned that I want to be a stronger, more faithful LDS women who follows the counsel of our prophet and lives in accordance to our beliefs and morals. I have much refining to do. I truly have learned from the example of others what true, selfless service is and have been grateful not only for myself but for the example shown to my children. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds about gospel principles I have needed to learn. The church is true and I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for miracles that have happened.

I have also learned that there are good, decent people in this world struggling with this disease who are finding the same sorts of conclusions in their lives and who are in need of support and service from others. People across the country have prayed in my behalf and have offered words of love and support. We are all tied together and responsible for each other. I want to be a person of service.

I have learned how amazing the human body is even when it turns on you! I have learned how precious good health is and how important it is to take care of my body...even though for me this is still incredibly difficult! I have found that I do have a desire to be healthly and fully live the word of wisdom.

I am forever a changed person.