Warning: Reading...Not for the Weak :)

What a week....thank goodness it is almost over! In my mind, as crazy as it sounds, I half way expected this last treatment to be nothing since it was my last one. I think it may have been the worst. I have ached and thrown-up this treatment more than usual. My hands and feet have been numb and tingeling...then they hurt...But, hey it's over right? I haven't written all week just because I have felt so miserable.

Surgery is weighing heavy on my mind. I really need some feedback, so please let me know you opinion!! I still need to consult with my surgeon Dr. Jones, but I think I am going to do a double mastectomy like I mentioned beforehand. Brent talked to a BC survivor yesterday who recommended if I have to have a mastectomy on one side to defiantly do both. I have heard that from a lot of women who have had one side done and either regret not doing both or have ended up going back and having the other side done. It just seems like a HUGE decision to make to me, and I need more information. I have been thinking about the moment I wake up from surgery and don't have breasts...scary. I know I have to deal with this...frankly I just don't know how. Reconstruction is a ways down the road so I will be living that way for up to a year. They have to wait until after the radiation. And another question is will insurance pay for the surgery if the right side elective?

I have always been large breasted and that has been a big part of who I am (big, get it ha ha)...this will be so weird. In the big picture I know it doesn't matter. Living to raise my girls it what is important. When I get really down, my dear husband is the one who reminds me I am doing this so I can be there to send my girls to kindergarden.

I am definitely going through menopause and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Oh, my poor husband. I have having hot flashes like mad! One minute I am freezing, especially my feet. The next I am absolutely hot and sweating like I ran a marathon...which we all know IS NOT the case! :) Nighttime is the worst! And can we say MOODSWINGS...worse than a teenage girl. Now that's bad. I will be calm one minute and screaming like a mad woman the next. I feel like I am losing my mind. Some would say it was gone long ago (Brent).

I have started to accept there won't be more kids and I am trying to concentrate on the positive. I am grateful for the girls I have...ewww they are cute! I think it's ironic that I am the youngest of four girls and I am the first to go through menopause!! Aren't sister suppose to be able to give advice on this sort of thing?? They are the ones who taught me about periods and all that stuff. Now I will tell them about menopause? Crazy!

Anyways, please let me know what you think about the surgery thing. I really want some advice and a differnt perspective. Thanks!