MRI

Today was a stressful day. I had a check-up with my fabulous oncologist Christian T. Shull today. I told him I had been having headaches consistently for about three weeks. The kind that are always there and sometimes they are terrible and sometimes they subside but linger and never really go away. Well, I mentioned this to him and he said..."I know what you're thinking and let's just get an MRI and rule out any problems so we don't worry about it". I am SO glad he would do that...but I also FREAKED out.

I started thinking and preparing for the very worst. It was amazing to me the range of emotion I felt and how quickly that fear came back. I laid in the MRI and cried. I broke down to my husband and cried. He tried to reassure me it was nothing and the scan wouldn't show anything. But...let me tell you, when you have been told over and over you don't have cancer...then one day they call and say "opps...you really do have cancer, and it's a REALLY bad, aggressive kind"...trust becomes an issue. I told him that wasn't reassuring and not to say that to me anymore. I wanted to believe it was nothing, but the reality that it very easily could be, was just as real!!

May 25th (diagnosis day) echoed in my mind and all those same emotions and fears came into play. I kept picturing them calling and saying..."we found a tumor, it has spread to your brain, there's nothing we can do." It felt hopeless, scary, and overwhelming. I felt trapped and feared the worst...not being able to raise my children.

We discussed the chances of reoccurrence and metastasis. Not my favorite subjects. I am the type of person who has to know where I stand in all areas of my life...including cancer. Although, knowing all the facts sometimes depletes my sense of hope and faith.

Anyway, by the time I left the MRI and drove to my sisters to get my girls...my fantastic doctor called with the results showing no signs of tumors/cancer. Halleluiah! I pleaded with the Lord again today to spare my life once more so I can raise these girls. I made a promise to be a more patient and loving mother and a better person. I know my prayers were answered once again. Again, my reality is put back into perspective. It's amazing how quickly priorities get out of alignment and then smacked back into line.

A day that started off bad and ended good. Tonight my niece came over and we stayed up and played games. We always laugh and have a good time. I went to dinner with my sisters and I felt comfort. Thank goodness for family and friends. I cry for those who have to go through this alone...it shouldn't happen. Everyone should have a shoulder to cry on.

I plan on 2006 being the BEST year yet! This year sucked and it can only get better!! That's what I'm planning on and what I intend to have happen. I will life to the fullest and enjoy it more.

The Great Holiday Letdown

Does anyone experience what I call the let down after the holidays? For weeks we run around like mad trying to get some much accomplished only to find the little extras we bust ourselves over really don't make that much difference. I am so wrung out tonight. My husband and I are arguing over "marraige stuff" and everything else that has the misforture of popping into the sad discussion.

We had an okay Christmas...still glad to be a live. It was wonderful to watch the girls open their presents and enjoy themselves. That's always good to experience as a parent. But, on the other hand...family really makes me reflect. I miss spending time around MY family whom i know loves me and my children. I worry my children will miss being around my parents. We are very involved in talking to one another and interested in each other. On the other hand, spending time with the in-laws was not as enjoyable and enlightening and it makes me miss my family and friends even more who live out of state. Actually I'm the one living out of state. I confrontd my husband at looking at this for a change and considering a move south...which he says he will consider but NEVER does. Maybe I'll move myself. A change would be nice! Some issues I guess will always be there.

I am so emotinal tonight. I am tired and I am getting sick...which leads me to my next statement...I am Sick of being Sick and Tired! I am done with this S@#$T. I want to move on but I'm not sure how to maybe I need some therapy to process this overload of emotions that keep taking over my brain.I don't thonk I am making much sence. I better get to bed.

To all of you who told me to take it easy or I would over do it and get sick...well you were right. Are you happy? I feel like crap and I am near to not functioning. What a week this will be.

Good night...blaa blaa blaa

The Best Present EVER!

I am DONE...DONE I tell ya! I finished radiation today and I am so damn excited I can hardly stand it! I can't believe this day finally came and went! WOW...I am DONE!! I am through with being a cancer patient! DONE!! This is the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT EVER!!

I am so tired tonight (being that it's 1:30 am) but I had SO much to do today getting ready for Christmas. I think I may have wrote this in my last entry, but everyone keeps telling me to take it easy and rest...but this Christmas I am glad to be a live and I will not take it easy!! I am here...hear me roar!! True, I am running on adrenaline, caffeine, and sugar (I know, not a good combo for the cancer patient)...but this week I do NOT care! My kids got gypped this year and I am going to make this a fantastic Christmas...and dammit...I'm a live!!

I took my cancer team each a little gift. I got a big bag of lifesaver candies and tied a note to it that said "Merry Christmas to my Wonderful LifeSavers". I wrote "thanks to you I am here this year".

After radiation today they gave me a graduation certificate! It was totally funny. They gave me a hope bracelet and a hospital mug (which are most coveted). The graduation certificate had everyone on the staff's signature and well wishes...I loved it.

I had some weird mixed emotions today. I was thrilled to be done, but I was very emotional. Not sad to leave, just emotional that I had finally finished the treatments and the hard part of this is OVER. It has consumed my life for seven LONG months and now my life is taking a different turn. I am ready to move on. I want to be the helper now, I want to help others. So many have been there for me, now I am ready to be there for someone else. I am ready to be a full-time Mommy again and be there physically and emotionally/mentally to my beautiful children. I am ready to reconnect with my amazing husband and focus on something other than CANCER!!! I will say though I will never forget and I will never stop advocating for this cause...it is so important to get the word out and be there for people still going through it!!

My wonderful friend and former chemo buddy Deon, gave me the most beautiful painting of the Lord crossing the raging ocean with this saying written on it:

"When the billows of Change encompass me,
When it's surges dash furiously,
And the foam thereof is nigh unto overwhelming,
Thy power will sustain me:
I will smile at the rage of the tempest,
And ride fearlessly and triumphantly
Across the boisterous ocean of circumstance".
Eliza R. Snow

Isn't that beautiful! I loved it and hung it right by my door so I can read it everyday before I leave. I truly have learned a valuable lesson about life and change. I also found out I'm not as a big of chicken as I thought I was :) Bring it on!

One more thing then off to sleep city. My adorable husband surprised me with an early Christmas present...a KITTY!! I was so incredibly excited and thrilled beyond words! He is so cute! We named him Fritz. He's solid gray with a white belly. I'm in Love!!
Well...off I go! Goodnight and sleep tight! I hope everyone has a wonderful Christmas!! I also added the latest portraits of my girls. They weren't very balanced...but aren't they angels!!

Exhausted...Big Surprize

I am so exhausted tonight! I have so much to do and my house is a mess. I have laundry to do and a floor to vacuum! I have Christmas cards to send and neighbor gifts to deliver...am I insane? I didn't make candy and goodies this year. I just couldn't muster up the strength! Not to mention if I make it, I eat it, which is not conjunctive to the weight loss plan! (almost 16 lbs so far, 55 to go)!

I worked today and I am glad this day is almost over. It is really snowing outside and the roads are terrible. I usually hate the snow (don't ask me why I live in Idaho) but this year it feels cozy to me. Maybe it's that I am learning to enjoy the little things in life. I am grateful to be here this Christmas…I very easily could have not been. The girls are curled up watching Whinny the Pooh. I plan to join them once I am done here and plug in the Christmas lights and relax! Screw laundry...if my husband needs clothes for tomorrow I'll give him fair warning he has none. As for dinner, it will have to be leftovers!

I am counting down the days until radiation is OVER!! Four more to go!!! I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can I think I can. Today I scheduled my after radiation check-ups with my oncologist and surgeon. That felt really good. Really, Really good!

I Miss My Mind the Most

Wow, I have been terrible at writing the past several weeks. I need to get better. You know the saying..."out of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most". Well, that rings a little true these days! Then you add the holidays on top of that and you have a complete psychotic woman on the loose! Never the less here I am!

This is my VERY LAST week of radiation! I am so excited I can hardly stand it! I really didn't think I would make it! I hated it! This week they start what is called the "boost" treatments. They have been radiating from my collarbone down to under my breast, and from my cleavage to my backside. It is so red and irritated. Last week it started blistering quit a bit and peeling off. I still feel like I am nursing a newborn. If I get bumped...I about jump out of my skin.

This week however, they will only radiate my original tumor site (which is called a boost). Which granted is still a large area...but it's not my entire left side! The doctor said the skin that isn't being radiated would start to heal. The boost is concentrated on the surgical area to assure eradication of any cancer cells left in that area, which has the highest likelihood of reoccurrence. In that case...radiate away!!

The fatigue is something else! I am so tired!!!!! It has been somewhat of an accumulative process. If I have one minute of down time I am either sleeping of staring blankly at the wall. I have been terrible at keeping in touch...sorry. I feel like a wet washrag! However, I appreciate the love and support of those around me! You keep my spirits high!

Hopefully, my journey through breast cancer is coming to an end! I never thought I would make it. I try and keep positive by not dwelling on the chances I may have of reoccurrence. I will cross those bridges when/if I get there. I tell my husband if I can go through chemo and be on T.V. bald...I can do anything!!

As I reflect back the past six months, my heart is full of gratitude for both my life and for the phenomenal people in my life. Had it not been for cancer, I may have never met some of the amazing people I have. I heard a saying once that goes something like this..."the deeper the sorrow and pain cut into the soul, the more room there is to fill it up with joy". That is how I feel about this experience. It has been the fight of my life so far...but what I found was great joy. So many lessons learned. How lucky I am!

Raw Deal

I am having a pretty good day. It's amazing when I don't have radiation, I don't feel AS tired. Today is Saturday and I have the weekend off radiation which is like a mini vacation. I have had a bad attitude about this and wonder if I can make it through the next few weeks. The rash on my chest is so painful and irritated. It is almost up my neck...it's like trying to hide a hicci in highschool.

I have been exhausted this week. I have been crazy busy and when I have two seconds to sit down, I about fall asleep. Yesterday, I just needed to sleep. I started feeling the guilt again over being a bad Mom. I felt like my kids are getting a raw deal. They get a mom who to them looks lazy and sleeps all the time. They want me to read and play games and some days I just CAN'T do it. It feels horrible to me. It must feel horrible to them. Everyone says this was a good age for them to be, for me to go through cancer because they won't remember. Yet, as a mental health worker I worry about their personality development and stuff like that. I want what is best for them but I am too tired to do it. I am feeling the same way I did going through chemo.

My two year old just came up to me with a tube of the salve I keep on my radiation area to keep the skin from cracking and falling off. She pulled up her shirt and wanted me to put some on her. They don't miss a thing even when you don't think they are looking. Only a few more weeks...

Dead on my Feet!

I really should be in bed a sleep...why I'm not really is beyond me! I continue to hate radiation and the effects are really getting to me. I am having some bad reactions and it is driving me CRAZY. Yeah, I know what you're thinking...short drive! Really, I am having this terrible choking sensation and a sore throat like no other. I also have a rash all over my chest like I did with Adrimyician (chemo) this summer. My lips are swollen and I feel like I have hives or something. They mentioned I maybe having a adrimycian memory reaction being brought up by the stress of the radiation. What ever is going on...I am going batty. I really am half tempted to never go back!

I have been in a foul mood and I am so tired I can barely think straight! You might ask why I am posting so late if I am so damn tired...well...I just needed to vent a little so I can sleep! I went back to work yesterday, which was actually really good for me. It felt as though I had never left. I thought I could either sit around and worry about paying medical bills or I could get out there and do something about it! So, that's what I decided to do. I am just going to have to pull it together and organize myself. I love what I do, and I am good at it too...so really it's a positive thing. I told my co-workers if they see me hunkered down in the corner to come and wake me up!
Well, that's enough of that tonight! I NEED sleep. Good night!

Here I am

A few people have become concerned about my lack of communication the last couple of weeks. Here I am...a live and kicking...well, okay alive! I am so busy and so tired I cannot even tell you! I have not had the energy to do much of anything except the very minimal required of me. I am mentally depleted and physically drained. The radiation is catching up to me quickly! If I haven't already written it... I HATE RADIATION!! It is a pain in the butt! I hate the drive, I hate the schedule, and I hate lying on a table without a top on with fifty people in the room. Incase you didn't catch it...I HATE RADIATION!! I am so tired! Everyone told me radiation isn't as bad as chemo (which it isn't, not much could be), but it sucks in it's own unique way! I'm not sick, but I am just bone tired and I feel like I have a really bad sunburn. The nurse told me it is too soon to be having a skin reaction...kinda of like I'm too young to have cancer. Bite me! Tell that to my sore nipple that feels like I've been nursing a newborn...OUCH!

The crazy thing is I have decided to go back to work after Thanksgiving (part-time) because the medical bills are piling up and we need the cash flow! I'm not sure if I can do it, but I've got to try. Good thing is I love what I do. Wish me luck!

I have got to write about something absolutely ironic! The last few weeks I had agreed to help with a tree for the Festival of the Trees. My oncologist is the one who sponsored it and his wife is who spearheaded the decorating. We worked for two weeks on this thing! It turned out absolutely beautiful! It was called the tree of hope. The tree had birdcages on it with birds flying up portraying hope. To the side of the tree was a framed poem with the poem by Emily Dickinson "Hope is a Feather." Well, the ironic thing is, people/businesses from the community come to the festival and buy the trees, and the proceeds go to a local charity. When I got there the first night my doctor and his wife said, "you are NEVER going to believe who bought the tree". I couldn't imagine who...but when I looked at the plaque I about fell over! One of the main doctor's from the clinic that misdiagnosed me for over a year was the one who bought it! At least she paid out the nose for it!

I have also been asked to be on the board for a new non-profit foundation set-up to help cancer patients in our community. I was nominated as the secretary, which should keep me busy! The board has some awesome people on it! We had a board meeting the other night and we came up with some great ideas to help cancer patients here in little old Idaho Falls. I feel like I have "taken" for the past six months...it's time for me to give back. I feel honored to be able to be a part of this. So, if any of you out there have ideas, please send them to me! Since we are in a smaller area with patients who come from rural areas for treatment, there is such a need! Some people come clear from Jackson Hole, WY and Island Park, Idaho everyday for radiation/chemo. Which is over an hour drive each way with some pretty scary road conditions.

Last week at church I gave a lesson in Relief Society about our bodies and the importance of taking care of them and accepting them. When I introduced the lesson, I said "I don't know how you will feel about a fat, bald women, with cancer giving you this lesson, but I hope you can see the importance of this lesson". I then talked about the importance of us as women accepting and caring for our bodies. I said " for me to teach this lesson I hope you can accept mine". I then took off my turban and taught the lesson bald. I started bawling but I think the lesson turned out good and I got the points across that I wanted to. The women had a lot of comments and interacted well.

So, as you can see...I have been super busy and when I am not running around with my head cut off...I am sleeping! I appreciate all of you who have been concerned and keep in touch! I have been terrible at this lately, please forgive me!

Oh man...tomorrow is our seventh wedding anniversary! Wow, time flies when you've got a good guy!

A Little Lazy

I haven't posted for over a week. I started to do a post a few days ago and my computer froze...then I never got back to it. I have been insanely busy this week. I started my first week of radiation and it sucks! It really does. It is such a pain in the rear to say the least. I do at least a 40 minute drive round trip everyday to get my kids to my sisters, then I have to drive to the cancer center, then go pick up the kids and drive clear back home on the other side of town. All this for a 10-minute radiation treatment. My "table time" as they call it, is at 9:20 in the morning. I am NOT a morning type of gal and getting there is a major strain. I suppose we will get in to the routine of it...but right now I just hate it!

I got tattooed on Tuesday after the final mapping. I think I got a total of six tattoos, some of which I can't see. I had to lay in the body mold for 45 minutes without moving while they did the final fine-tuning of the radiation points. It was terribly uncomfortable and the mold was poking into my bum. Again there were about four people in the room "helping" to get things just right and moving "things" around. There's nothing like laying on a table in a room full of people with no top on and strangers drawing on your chest!

I have been very tired this week...not chemo tired, but a different type of tired...body tired. I don't know if that makes any sense! I don't feel sick like I did with chemo, just tired and worn out. I have been going to bed early, which is very unusual for me. The other thing that sucks with radiation is the burn. It feels like a deep, achy sunburn, and it's sore. It also feels like engorgement...a strange feeling when you haven't just had a baby!

I have sooo much to write about...good things, but I am too tired and I will have to continue tomorrow! Austa La Pasta

Bean Bag Baby

I usually love fall and the leaves turning and all that goes with it...but I don't like daylight savings and how early it gets dark! I get a little low and tired and want to go to bed at 5 pm. Today has been pretty laid back, not much going on even though I have a ton to do! I just can't seem to get going. I feel so disorganized in my brain and I can't seem to get back into a routine. Seriously, I had a better routine when I was going through chemo...because I had to. Now, I just can't seem to pull it together. I talked to a dear friend of mine who went through cancer this summer too and she expressed the same feelings about feeling overwhelmed with "getting back to life".

My routine is going to change next week for sure. I start radiation at the Cancer Center part of Eastern Idaho's Regional Medical Center. I thought I would start this week, but the planning and mapping is taking longer than I realized it would. I went in Monday for my initial consultation with the radiation oncologist Dr. Calvin McCallister. He went over what radiation is and what they would be doing. He seemed like a pretty nice guy. He did yet another breast exam. I seriously think I've been "felt up" by the entire medical community here in Idaho Falls. It's worse than having a baby...no dignity with the parts.

I went in again to the Cancer Center (where they do the radiation) on Tuesday to get a planning CT scan and do a body mold. It was very interesting. First, the nurse shows me where to change and tells me to put on a cape and go to the radiation waiting room...what? I had to wait in the waiting room without anything on top? Luckily the cape was bigger than the ones they have at oncology! I'm telling you it wouldn't have been a problem when I was 22 and skinny...but now it's a little more risky mostly for those walking by!

Then they took me to the CT room and I had to lie on the CT table on this beanbag type of thing. Then they had to position me exactly how they wanted me for radiation so they could make a body mold. It was somewhat comical. I am lying there on this table with both my arms in the air. My cape is pulled up so they could adjust "things" just right and I swear everyone and their dog came to help out. I'm laying there all hanging out and the tech is introducing me to the head of the cancer center. What am I suppose to say..."Hey there, nice to meet ya"...would you like a looksie to? And then the doctor comes in and is drawing on me and measuring my chest. Then another lady came in to help with the body mold. Good thing I'm not shy...

After they got me in the exact position they needed me in, they sucked all the air out of the beanbag thing making it as hard as a rock...Walla a body mold. Different from what I had in mind. I was sorta thinking more a long the lines of the old plaster stuff they used to make casts out of...sorry for the visual. Anyways, they will then take that mold and put it on the radiation table so I can lie in that exact position every time. They also taped some marks on me that I have to keep on until next week (which are driving me crazy). When they decide the marks are in the precise place they need to be they will tattoo them on me forever. The tattooed marks will be the places they will radiate. I will have one more mapping appointment next week before we get started to make sure everything is perfectly aligned. I will then have to have 33 radiation treatments, Monday through Friday for 6 1/2 weeks.

As far as the weight loss is going...I am doing okay. Halloween was a killer! A two and four year old can't possible eat all those little candy bars all by themselves! I have maintained but I don't think I will be losing much this week! Just for the rocord though...I did count my points (okay most of them). Brent is doing awesome! He's lost eight pounds too! I've got to do this...but it's hard and food is so good! I will...I will...I will!!

TV Apprearance

Yesterday I was able to do a couple of segments on a local TV show about Breast Cancer Awareness. It went really well and I enjoyed myself. I was able to tell my story about being misdiagnosed for over a year and how important it is to be your own best advocate when it comes to health care. I am anxious to see how it turned out. It airs this Sunday...so we'll see.

After the taping yesterday I came home with a headache so I layed down for a little while. When I woke up I had the stomach flu which my entire family has had this week. I thought I was going to get out of it, but boy was I wrong. The nausea and puking was reminiscent of this summer going through chemo. Not a fun reminder. It's crazy how much it wears your body down, but hey...maybe I'll weigh in a lot less tomorrow at Weight Watchers...LOL

I have my planning appointment with the radiation oncologist on Monday. They told me the appointment would last an hour and a half. I should start with the actual radiation after that.

I am signing off because I need to fix my family some dinner and resemble a fairly normal mother.

Good Old P.M.S.

Alright, I have posted a lot of personal, not so easy to write about things...but how does one write about getting back her period? So, here it goes...I'm NOT in menopause!! All this time we thought I was going into menopause...hot flashes, extreme mood swings, no period. But, as luck would have it...I'm back in business!! The crankiness was just good old P.M.S.!!! P.M.S...Can you believe that! The hot flashes have cooled down quit a bit the past couple of weeks. My doctor thinks they might have been solely from the chemo and pain medication.

I just talked to my doctor last week about menopause and what medications I would have to take after radiation. The kind of medications I would be prescribed would be solely based on if I were menopausal or not! Statistically, chemotherapy puts many women at my age into pre-menopause and does it fairly quick. I thought for sure I was menopausal and would have to worry about heart disease and osteoporosis in the near future. It's bad enough all my hair is coming in GRAY!

I have also had a hard time with the fact I wouldn't be able to have more children. We have always planned on having one more. Who knows...I still may not be able to have more babies due to the drugs I will be required to take for the next five years. But, there is hope! I was just reading about Tamoxifen a drug for breast cancer patients that is an anti-estrogin agent. It doesn't sound too pleasant! It can cause weight gain and uterine cancer. My doctor said if I did get uterine cancer (which they would watch closely for) I would have to have a hysterectomy anyways. Right now I am rolling my eyes and shaking my head...

This all sounds pretty negative, but truly I am in very good spirits these days! I am feeling much better and getting more and more energy back every day. I can even move my arm and it is hurting a lot less! I have my first appointment with the Radiation Oncologist next Monday, so, I am going to fully enjoy my week!!

Tomorrow I am going with my doctor's wife Carrie to Salt Lake City to get more stuff for a tree we are putting together for the Festival of Trees. His office is sponsoring it. It will be nice to have a girl's day out...a two and a half hour drive with no kids! My sister Leigh lives there and is a fantastic decorator. She is going to help us pull it all together. It feels good to have things going on again in my life other than just being sick. It feels good to have some projects and stuff to look forward to.

I have been putting my kids costumes together. Addie is going to be Cinderella and Paige was going to be a butterfly princess...but the dress I ordered is WAY too big. So back to the drawing board. Anyway, life is good...miracles happen! Plus, I have lost 3.5 pounds last week on Weight Watchers!!

The Coolest Thing!

I had the coolest thing happen today. I went to the mailbox and in it was a package from Lori & Cary (Too Sexy For My Hair~Flikr) with a handful of cards from people all over the country! Isn't that awesome!! People I have never met in person who are praying for me and sending their best wishes...amazing! I was so thrilled and uplifted! I am daily reminded of the good people in this world and how blessed I am to have such a fantastic support group. I shudder to think of someone going through this awful disease and not having wonderful people in their lives...and I know they are out there. Thank you everyone...thank you, thank you, thank you!

I have something else cool to add. I was asked to be on a local T.V. news talk show next week about breast cancer! My oncologist will be on, along with people from radiology. They asked me because I am young with children and they want women to know breast cancer can happen to anyone of any age! I am a little nervous...but those of you who know me personally know I have the gift of gab. I obviously feel very passionate about this and would do anything if it helped one person get into their doctor and get the treatment they need! After all, it is Breast Cancer Awareness month! Get your mammograms!

Today has been a great day! I was able to go to the soup kitchen and help serve lunch. It felt so good to first of all, have the energy to do it, but also to get outside myself and help out someone else for a change! I got so busy I started sweating and rubbed off my eyebrows! I'm a sight...let me tell ya! I have really learned a lesson or two about the importance of service. Too bad it took cancer for me to get it! At least I'm getting right?

Yesterday, I went to both my Surgeon and my Oncologist. I had to have fluid drained (gross I know) that had build up from the surgery. Dr. Jones said she is pleased with how I am healing up...me too! Man, where they took the lymph nodes under my arm is still so stink'n sore, but getting better!!

I had my one month check up with the oncologist. He went over my most recent path report and said how pleased he was with the results. He said my cancer was very sensitive to the chemo! DIE CANCER DIE!! The path report said the lymph nodes that had cancer left in them were considered microscopic and were contained only to the nodes themselves! Man I am lucky...I just have to say that I realize I am so blessed and so lucky. This could have been SO much worse, according to my initial prognosis...it should have been. Dr. Shull reminded me of that yesterday. When he first saw my tumor (the orange) path report he said "I thought for sure you would have to have a full mastectomy"! So neeneer, neeneer, neeneer to cancer!

Read a funny joke in a book my sister Ann sent me.
Knock Knock.
Who's There?
Ad-air.
Ad-air Who?
Ad-air (had hair) once...but it all fell out!!

Hair today...gone tomorrow!

Unzipping the Fat Suit :)

I did it. I started Weight Watchers and I am doing it! I feel really motivated to do something about this fat thing. I feel like I am trapped in a fat suit screaming for someone to unzip me! Brent is even doing the program with me! I have already lost a pound! I will never ever take advantage of my health again! I know what it is like to feel like a big pile of poo...and if there is something I can do to change that... I am going to do it.

My energy is slowly coming back...but it IS coming back. It feels so great! I even walked the green belt today around the Snake River!! It took me over an hour...but I DID IT!! It felt so damn good! The sun was shining, the leaves were colorful and beautiful, and there were still ducks and geese everywhere! I even walked the belt pushing my two year old in a stroller! This is a huge leap from a month ago when I could barely walk from my living room to my bedroom! Life is good! (Okay, life is better than it was). I'm getting there!

For the Birds...

I am losing it! This menopause stuff is for the BIRDS!! I am losing my marbles I tell ya! Up and down with the hormones. You know what that means...lots and lots of crying. I cry at the drop of a hat. I'm usually not a crier...that is since puberty when my hormones where just as screwed up. Yesterday's breakdown was over money or lack of. I was paying medical bills and freaked right out. Our little nest egg that was to be put towards buying a house is now officially depleted...gone. Maybe I am destined to live in a little blue house forever. Excuse me while I go cry some more.

On a better note, the hot flashes have "cooled off" a little the last two weeks...thank goodness. They were absolutely driving me batty! I am thirty-two for heck sakes...I feel like an eighty year old woman and look like a man. That's right...I look like a man. My hair is starting to come in (gray no less) and it's looking like a butch cut. Weird thing is I have kept most of my eyebrows and lashes up until this past month. Now there all but gone. Go figure. And get this...I had to shave my armpits for the very first time in four months. Man I'm going to miss that part. Of course I couldn't get a really clean shave on the left side due to the large, ominous scar under there. Good thing I can laugh about some of this or I might be bawling twenty-four seven.

I have my one-month check up with my oncologist coming up next week. It's hard to believe it has been that long since I finished with chemo! I should start radiation here in about two weeks. In a weird way I am getting anxious to get started just so I can get it over with. I'm also curious what it will be like. I hear it's not near as bad as chemo (can't imagine what is) and it's like having a bad sunburn. They also say it comes with some fatigue...yeah that's what I need, more fatigue. What a bundle of joy I'll be...doesn't it make you want to come for a visit :) Come see the freak show...the lopsided, bald lady who sleeps a lot except for when she is crying or screaming...it will be lots of fun. I do need money. Maybe I could set up a circus tent in the front yard and charge admission. Hey that's not a bad idea. I could even sell popcorn!

On a more positive note, I had my follow up with my surgeon Dr. Jones on Tuesday. She made an interesting point. She said that if she would have known my tumor (the orange) was cancerous when she did my first lumpectomy she would have been committed to doing a full mastectomy. I asked her why and she said because of the wide margins she would have had to take considering the size of the tumor. It is really a miracle the biopsy came back negative for cancer and she took out the tumor anyways! It saved me from a mastectomy...man am I grateful!

Anyways, tomorrow I start weight watchers...wish me luck. I will spring this cocoon someday! And when I do…watch out world!

This is the bald me! 

A Light at the End of the Tunnel

I have to write that I had a great weekend with my family and I actually felt pretty good! I wasn't sick OR tired...amazing!

Friday night I did have a MAJOR breakdown and couldn't stop crying. I was a mess. I truly don't think I have cried like that for a long, long time. I wept until there were no more tears. Brent was so worried he called my Mom who he knew could calm me down. And...she did.

I cried to my Mom for an hour about all my fears and feelings about my experience with cancer. It has consumed my life to a certain degree and now I am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. I felt like everyone, including myself expected me to be better now that surgery was over and the cancer has receded...and I'm not. I realized that getting well is a process of it's own and it will take some time. I just get anxious and want to move a head quicker than my body is willing. I had been so exhausted last week, I seriously worried I would never feel good again. It was/is a very real fear. Fatigue and depression scare me. Especially raising two young girls who have so much energy!!! I worried the depression had been triggered by the surgery and I was going back down to the depths of hell. I hate depression...almost as much as I hate cancer. I felt bleak and hopeless.

People might think cancer is a physical battle...but it is an emotional and spiritual battle far more than it is physical. It has challenged every belief and emotion in me. It has challenged my core character. I have had to look deep inside myself and find strength I didn't know existed. I have had to examine every aspect of my life...my marriage, my relationships with my family and my children. I have had to face things I need to change and prooded me to change the things I've wanted to improve. I have had to sort out the good from the bad in my soul. Through it all I have found out I am of worth and I have things to offer others I didn't know were there. All in all I still have a lot of improving to do.

These are but a few of the conclusions I have come to:
I have realized I do have a strong marriage and my relationship with Brent has deepened significantly. Cancer has shown his true character...one of a loving, thoughtful, and committed man. He has been by my side and offered encouragement and love even when I know he was on the brink himself. Our marriage has endured some hard times but cancer has cemented us together. I have found my attitude towards him and our marriage have changed for the better. The little annoyances are still there...but they don't matter as much. He has looked past the fat, ugly, baldness and loved me for who I am not what I look like.

I have learned that I want to be a stronger, more faithful LDS women who follows the counsel of our prophet and lives in accordance to our beliefs and morals. I have much refining to do. I truly have learned from the example of others what true, selfless service is and have been grateful not only for myself but for the example shown to my children. My testimony has grown leaps and bounds about gospel principles I have needed to learn. The church is true and I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for miracles that have happened.

I have also learned that there are good, decent people in this world struggling with this disease who are finding the same sorts of conclusions in their lives and who are in need of support and service from others. People across the country have prayed in my behalf and have offered words of love and support. We are all tied together and responsible for each other. I want to be a person of service.

I have learned how amazing the human body is even when it turns on you! I have learned how precious good health is and how important it is to take care of my body...even though for me this is still incredibly difficult! I have found that I do have a desire to be healthly and fully live the word of wisdom.

I am forever a changed person.

I had yet another break down tonight. I have not felt good today and I am SO tired. I don't know if it's from the surgery or what but I feel like crap. I am sick of being sick and I fear I will never feel normal again. I fear being one of "those" moms that let their children run wild and lay around all day parenting from the couch. I felt so tired today it was almost like I had just had chemo...it was that bad.

I feel like I should be better by now, but Brent tells me I am being unrealistic. I just want to move on and get some things done. I am still in pain from the surgery and am having a hard time moving my arm. I think I am feeling the let down from everything. I just get scared I won't ever feel good again. I would pay big money for an ounce of energy. Since my Mom was here she took care of things with the girls and around the house. Now that she is gone it hit me how run down I feel...back to the grind. I also feel like I've let myself down because I'm not taking as good care of myself as I think I should be. I should be eating better and going to bed earlier. You would think something like CANCER would make you be better, but it's true that old habits do die hard. The desires in my head are not always carried out by my body.

I know I will somehow work this out. I have a good husband and family...I just feel like I have took, and took, and took. I want to feel better and give back. Brent has been amazing but I know he's got to be drained. He does so much.

I really better get some sleep...

FINALLY!!!

I finally got the results to my pathology report! The surgeon's office called this afternoon to tell me all the margins that were cleared in surgery were free from any residual carcinoma!!!!! There were however three lymph nodes that were positive for cancer, out of the fifteen that were removed. I won't have to have a mastectomy or any other surgery at this point (I would say ever, but I don't want to jinx myself :).

I called my Oncologist, Dr. Christian T. Shull after I hung up and he said that he had planned on some of the nodes being positive, that is why I will to have radiation. The radiation should kill any remaining cancer cells that surgery and chemo didn't get. I will start radiation is three weeks and will have radiation every day (except Saturday & Sundays) for six and a half weeks.

I feel so much relief and trepidation all at the very same time. Part of me feels like "wow, it's gone" and the other part of me is thinking "what if there is still cancer and it comes back...this can't be real". A great guy named Amiko wrote to me saying "it's hard to wrap your mind around the fact you have cancer...but it's just as hard to wrap your mind around the fact that it's gone". That really sums up how I am feeling. I know this must be normal to feel excited and unsure...I just hope I don't drive myself crazy in the mean time. All I can do is take the very best care of myself and "Let Go and Let God".

I want you all to know I truly do believe in the power of prayer and I know that is what is helping me get well. I KNOW IT!! My cancer is a very aggressive, advanced cancer...really, my prognosis wasn't that good. I believe I am beating this due to the overwhelming amount of prayers in my behalf...from people of all different faiths. Think about it. I had a 10 cm tumor with lymph invasion, grade three, stage three that is not hormone sensitive. All that and I didn't even have to have a mastectomy...coincidence? I think not!! Thank you for your faith. Very humbling...

I also believe all things happen for a reason and I have much more to learn. I'm not going down yet! I have already learned volumes from this experience. I have met AMAZING people who are also fighting this disease and battling with such courage and strength (Lori). You inspire me daily and give me the courage to keep going.

I have had such a wide range of emotion today...but mostly one of gratitude, hope, and relief.

No Results Yet

I haven't gotten the pathology results back from my surgery yet. It feels like forever. I just keep expecting bad news and more surgery. I called the surgeon's office today (Dr. Judy Jones), but they said they had already called the pathologist's and they are still working on it. The receptionist said she would call as soon as she got it. Hopefully we’ll hear something in the morning.

My Mom is still here helping me with the kids. It has been so nice to have her here. If I need more surgery she will stay, if not, she will be leaving tomorrow. I don't want her to go. Today, my sister came over with lunch and a movie. We put the kids down for their naps and had "movie afternoon". It felt so good to relax a little!

I have been so tired today and in a lot of pain. I had started feeling better pain wise, but tonight I am really hurting. I am so ready for this to be done. I am not feeling good about the results. I ask myself why I am feeling this way. Is it because I am expecting the worst and hoping for the best? Is it personal revelation? Am I just freaked out? I just can't believe having that many dark lymph nodes and another suspicious spot can be good news. I try being positive, but being positive doesn't mean being unrealistic. I can't burry my head in the sand and pretend there isn't a problem. Hopefully tomorrow we'll know.

If I do have to get the mastectomy...I think I will just do one side for now. I was pretty set on doing a double, but now that I have had surgery, having both done seems so overwhelming and painful. I can't get myself to even think about it.

Thanks again for all your love and support! Sunday my friend Deon brought me two dozen gorgeous yellow roses. Then today Brent's cousin brought me flowers and so did some women from the ward. It really brightens my days. I also truly appreciate the thoughts and prayers in my behalf! Thank you!

Good News? Bad News? That is the Question...

This will most likely be a very short post since I am high on painkillers and not typing very well. So please pardon me if this don’t make any sense! I had surgery yesterday. Dr. Jones took out the margin around where my old tumor was. She also found another suspicious lump and took that as well including the margins. They ended up taking out 15 lymph nodes instead of the 10-12 she had planned on. She said the first 4 nodes were very dark in color and were hard and enlarged. Not a good sign.

They will test all the tissue taken and I will get results in 4-5 days. If the tissue from the margins come back positive for cancer they will most likely have to go back in next week and do a full mastectomy. They took almost half of my breast off this time and I am in so much pain. I wasn't expecting it to be this bad. I had to stay in overnight because we couldn't get my pain under control. I have about a 4-5 inch incision running from my nipple up to my armpit. And another incision that is about 3 inches long running under my armpit where they took out the nodes. The whole breast (or what's left I should say) is so incredibly tender...I can tell she did a lot of prodding around.

I have a feeling they will have to go back in. In a strange way it would be a relief to just have it removed so I don't have to worry...but of course if they don't that would be the ultimate!! I just want this all done and over with. It has been so nice to have my Mom here. Brent stayed with me last night at the recovery center. I hope I can get comfortable tonight and get some rest. I can never get sleep when I'm in the hospital!

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers...really it makes such a difference and is so comforting! Thank you, thank you, thank you! I will keep you posted about test results...good night!

Night Before Surgery

Tomorrow is Surgery day...yuck. Not looking forward to this, but I am grateful it wont't be as invasive as I initially planned!! I am worrying that they will find more cancer. I guess that's natural. I have been having some pain like I did when my tumor was growing and I get kinda freaked out. I won't relax until the final pathology report comes back negitive.

My Mom came into town tonight. It's always good to have her here...she brings comfort and wisdom. She will be there after surgery and my sister will have the girls.

I appreciate everyone's thoughts and prayers. I still can't believe all the love and support I have recieved through all of this. I feel so lucky to have such amazing people in my life! My sister-in-law sent up the coolest little book about a broken heart and how it mends and a letter telling me how much she admires my strength. I'm not sure how much strength I have, but it meant a lot to me to get that letter. Thank you everyone!

I will write as soon as I can or have Brent write about how surgery went!

Fantastic News

I have great news! I went into the surgeon for consultation today and she couldn't feel any of the lumps either!! She feels like I will only need another LUMPECTOMY!!! Can you believe that! I am totally floored and grateful! I was expecting the worst and praying for the best! I guess prayer really does work...so does chemo!

Dr. Jones will for sure do a lymph node dissection of at least 10-12 lymph nodes and clear the margins from where the tumor was. They test the tissue while I am still in surgery for any cancer cells especially in the lymph nodes so they can tell if they need to take more. They will do extended testing of the tissue after surgery. If they find any cancer in that tissue they will have to go back in and take more breast tissue, which then may result in a mastectomy. However, at this point she doesn't feel like that is necessary. She has been doing this a long time and I feel like I am in good hands. I just can't believe it. It feels surreal. I almost don't dare get my hopes up. I know Brent said he is feeling the same way.

Part of me feels like I should just get the double mastectomy so I don't have to worry about it again. Then the other part feels totally excited that I don't have to have huge and invasive surgery at age 32 and go through all the reconstruction. I think a big part of not having to have a mastectomy is that I am large breasted to begin with. If I was smaller busted they would probably have to do a mastectomy because it would equal the same amount of tissue they are going to take out. But, since I am larger that much tissue doesn't hardly make a dent in these things :)

I really appreciate everyone’s concern and prayers! Obviously it is working! Dr. Jones said this surgery will be more painful than my first surgery, but not near what it would have been with a mastectomy. Recovery time will be a lot shorter. I still just can't believe it! Oh happy day!!

Surgery is Scheduled

I finally got my surgery scheduled for Friday the 30th. I consult with my surgeon on Monday about my options. I went in for my two week check up with my Oncologist yesterday and I was cleared for surgery. I go in another month for a check up and then I will go in periodically for the next five years. My Oncologist couldn't find ANY lumps yesterday during the exam and felt it was possible I may not need a full mastectomy...but of course they won't know until they get in there and see what cancer is left. I felt optimistic when I left about my prognosis! I just don't dare get my hopes up to high...but I felt good about it yesterday for the first time.

I have been in better spirits the last couple of days. Brent and I went out to dinner last night and were able to spend some time alone. It was wonderful to have an adult conversation with my husband and enjoy each other's company. Brent has been fantastic through all this...I have a good man.

Rainy Day

I am so down today...I just can't seem to kick it. Maybe it's the rain. My mind won't quit running...mostly thinking about the surgery. I haven't really allowed myself to think about it until yesterday. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I indeed will be losing body parts. Hair was hard enough, but it grows back...boobs don't.

I was doing some research on the procedures yesterday and I freaked out a little. I didn't take into account the recovery time and pain factors. Then I freaked out more when I started reading about cancer reoccurrence. Brent came home from work and he could tell I had been crying. I didn't want to talk about it right before dinner...so I snapped at him and told him I didn't want to talk about it. Sometimes I get so sick of talking about "it". Other times I need so desperately to get "it" out of my head that I feel like I am going crazy if I don't talk it through. Last night I think the stress built up and we bickered all night.

I couldn't sleep so I got up and read and prayed a little for some answers and strength. Plus, my two year old has been a bear lately and won't sleep through the night. So we have all been waking up tired and grumpy this week...doesn't help matters any.

My visiting teachers just left (women from church who come monthly to check on each other). It lifted my spirits a little talking about spiritual matters. It is so comforting to know people are there to help if I need it. I am blessed. I just need to pull it together and work this out in my brain. I am trying to get in the mindset of taking things as they come instead of thinking years ahead and fearing the cancer will return. I get a head of myself and that's when I freak out. I just need to take it day by day and "this too shall pass".

My Get Up and Go....Got Up and Went!

Man, I feel like a lump on a log today. My get up and go...got up and went. Isn't that a country song or something? I have had a cold for two and a half weeks now. My body just doesn't seem to want to fight it off. Hopefully it's busy fighting cancer!!

I have tried to get a few things done around the house, but I haven't been too successful at it. The effects of the chemo are starting to disappear except for the numbness/pain in my hands and feet from the Taxol and some fatigue. I'm not sure I remember a time when I wasn't tired. I look forward to feeling good again!! We went for a walk yesterday and my feet felt like they were on fire. Hopefully it will go away. Dr. Schull said the neuropathy can sometimes be permanent. Yeah, that's all I need!

I am proud to report I am starting to get a little peach fuzz on my head!! I thought there was no way it would start growing back this soon, but my husband and friends have confirmed that there is definitely fuzz. I have grown tired of being bald and look forward to having some locks again! I don't however, look forward to having to shave various parts of my body...that part has been awesome! I haven't even been wearing my caps and turbans...all it is now is a baseball hat. I just don't care anymore.

We are planning to go to Utah this weekend to see my family. We didn't do anything fun this summer and we need to get out. I will be having surgery soon and need a little break before hand. Brent is taking me on a date Thursday to celebrate no more chemo. Thursday is my usual chemo day. Instead...we are going out on the town. Something to look forward to.

Break Down

Tonight I had a breakdown and started bawling to my husband. My four year old Addie came in the kitchen where my husband was hugging me and made it a group hug. I hate crying in front of my kids. It makes them scared because I am really not a crier.

I got scared about dying again. I also got angry about being misdiagnosed for over a year. It makes me CRAZY to think this should have been diagnosed early and I did my part but the medical field did NOT! I wouldn't have had to go through this extensive of treatment if I was treated earlier....It makes me so ANGRY! Brent and I talked more about legal action and what we want to do. It just freaks me out to think the women's clinic I went to could be doing this to other women...delaying treatment and risking their lives....just like they did to me. I kept telling them I had a lump and I wasn't feeling right....

I know it's important to stay positive...and I usually do, but right now I am scared and angry. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. Is the cancer gone? Did the chemo work? Will I have to have a mastectomy? Will I live? It's so much to think about and I don't know how to handle it...so I am writing about it to at least get it out of my head.

Warning: Reading...Not for the Weak :)

What a week....thank goodness it is almost over! In my mind, as crazy as it sounds, I half way expected this last treatment to be nothing since it was my last one. I think it may have been the worst. I have ached and thrown-up this treatment more than usual. My hands and feet have been numb and tingeling...then they hurt...But, hey it's over right? I haven't written all week just because I have felt so miserable.

Surgery is weighing heavy on my mind. I really need some feedback, so please let me know you opinion!! I still need to consult with my surgeon Dr. Jones, but I think I am going to do a double mastectomy like I mentioned beforehand. Brent talked to a BC survivor yesterday who recommended if I have to have a mastectomy on one side to defiantly do both. I have heard that from a lot of women who have had one side done and either regret not doing both or have ended up going back and having the other side done. It just seems like a HUGE decision to make to me, and I need more information. I have been thinking about the moment I wake up from surgery and don't have breasts...scary. I know I have to deal with this...frankly I just don't know how. Reconstruction is a ways down the road so I will be living that way for up to a year. They have to wait until after the radiation. And another question is will insurance pay for the surgery if the right side elective?

I have always been large breasted and that has been a big part of who I am (big, get it ha ha)...this will be so weird. In the big picture I know it doesn't matter. Living to raise my girls it what is important. When I get really down, my dear husband is the one who reminds me I am doing this so I can be there to send my girls to kindergarden.

I am definitely going through menopause and it's DRIVING ME CRAZY!! Oh, my poor husband. I have having hot flashes like mad! One minute I am freezing, especially my feet. The next I am absolutely hot and sweating like I ran a marathon...which we all know IS NOT the case! :) Nighttime is the worst! And can we say MOODSWINGS...worse than a teenage girl. Now that's bad. I will be calm one minute and screaming like a mad woman the next. I feel like I am losing my mind. Some would say it was gone long ago (Brent).

I have started to accept there won't be more kids and I am trying to concentrate on the positive. I am grateful for the girls I have...ewww they are cute! I think it's ironic that I am the youngest of four girls and I am the first to go through menopause!! Aren't sister suppose to be able to give advice on this sort of thing?? They are the ones who taught me about periods and all that stuff. Now I will tell them about menopause? Crazy!

Anyways, please let me know what you think about the surgery thing. I really want some advice and a differnt perspective. Thanks!

Chemo is kick'n my Butt

I am feeling the effects of chemo tonight! Thank goodness for good drugs. My body feels like it's on fire, especially my mouth. I woke up at 4:30 this morning and my mouth felt burnt! I sat at the kitchen table sucking on ice cream just to cool it off. What a weird sensation. Feels like I drank a steaming hot bowl of soup. My tongue and lips throb. The pain is setting in and I feel like a wrung out washrag!

I can make it though knowing that this is my last treatment. I pray I never have to go through this again! I know I'm only half way through this cancer thing, but they say chemo is the worst! Lets hope that is true...and pray for smoother sailing from here!

Friends had the girls today so I could rest. I had to go back to the clinic to get my shot to boost my white blood cells. I got a call from work saying they wanted to see me. I popped in to say hi and they invited me to lunch next week. It was nice to see a few people from work. They are a fun crowd. It felt nice to laugh and be missed. I not totally sure I am going back. I feel like being a Mom is so important right now, even if work is part-time. I'll cross that bridge when I get there.

I talked with Mom and Dad tonight. I can't wait to see them next week. It will be nice to have them home. I am blessed with good parents. They help me keep things in perspective. Well, I better get to bed. I hate sleeping so much...never thought I'd write that since sleep is my respite! I laid on the couch for two hours tonight unable to move until my medication kicked in. The girls danced to the radio and showed me their moves they learned in dance class. Faith made the competition team tonight and I think she was really happy about it. I am proud of her she is really growing up.

Well, goodnight...I'll write more when I can. I appreciate all of your love and concern!

Last Chemo Treatment!!

Just a quick post! My last treatment...hopefully forever (knock on wood)!!! I can't believe it! I was diagnosed with BC on my 4 year old's last day of preschool and today is my last treatment and her first day of school! Kind of funny!

I am in good spirits today. I have all the things I needed to get done...done! I try to get things together, plan meals, clean the house (with Brent's help) and make sure things are in semi-order knowing I will be down for a good week. It feels a little weird knowing this is the last time I go in! I have received a lot of well wishes from all of you! THANK YOU! It means the world to know I have the support of good people! I couldn't have done it with out you!!!

My sister Ann sent me a package yesterday to celebrate my last treatment! It was so wonderful! I started bawling, but with tears of joy! It hit me that it's almost over! Thank you Ann! Ann has sent me a card every week all summer! They have lifted my spirts immensely!

I will probably schedule surgery today. I talked with a woman yesterday who is a BC survivor. She is out 11 years!! She had Dr. Judy Jones do her mastectomy and she also works at the Recovery Center. Her comment to me was that Dr. Jones is the best. I felt reassured that I am with the right surgeon. I have almost decided to do a full mastectomy depending on if the left one has to go. I don't want to waste my life worrying if it will come back on the other side. I know myself and that is what I would do! I want to carefully consult with both Dr. Christian Shull (my oncologist) and Dr. Jones, and then make a final decision.

My next big thing is to lose this ghastly fat I have accumulated the past 6 years. If I can beat breast cancer...surely I can lose 60 pounds! In fact, I am committing myself to everyone who reads this that I will do it by May! My dear friend Becca has recently lost 25 lbs and started running again. She is running the Susan G. Kommen Race for a Cure in SLC, UT this coming May for me! Isn't that amazing! She has inspired me to do the same and get my behind in the race as well. I may only be able to walk it...but by darn...I will be there! Thanks Becca for your example! You know, Cancer has really sorted out the people in my life who I know truly care...and you are one of them. Thankfully, I am blessed with incredible people in my life!

So much for a quick post huh? Oh well... :)

Happy Days

I just wanted to write a quick, positive note saying the past few days have been very good! I have felt like my old self the past few days (I don't know if that's good or not come to think of it :) Thursday is my very last treatment of chemotherapy!!!!! I can't believe it. I am blessed because this summer really has gone faster than I could have imagined. I never thought it would get here...and here it is!

I was talking to my Mom tonight about my mixed emotions with finishing chemo. It feels bittersweet. Weird, I know. I have gotten to know the Oncology staff and they have become positive people in my life. Now, I won't see them weekly. Very compassionate people. I feel like a better person knowing them. I have also gained many valuable life lessons from this experience I fear will not continue once this is over. People have been so compassionate and helpful. I have had a lot of positive things happen...along with the hellish ones. It still amazes me that spectrum of human emotions can oscillate between such a wide variety of feelings, sometimes at the very same time!

I am worrying about surgery. This maybe the defining moment in all of this. This is when they go in and see if the chemo did it's job and what my future holds as far as ongoing treatment...or the ever revered title of "cancer free". This is an experience I will never forget. I know I am only half way through this. I worry about writing too much for fear I might jinx myself. But, I hope and pray the cancer will be gone and I can become an advocate for other women going through this trial!

That is all I wanted to write. Except to say I had a great day with my little ones. I took them to the river for a picnic and got some sunshine and fresh air. I am learning to never take advantage of these priceless moments. Goodnight!

Chemo Fog

I am SO tired this morning....I'm not sure I will make it through the day! This is what is called the chemo fog. I am going through the motions, but don't feel much. My brain literally feels like it's in a fog. The only way I can explain it to people, it is like having to get up at 3 am to go the bathroom, and you're just to tired to get up. When you do finally make it to the bathroom you feel like your body weighs a million pounds and you barely remember it in the morning. I feel like a zombie!

I had to add this picture...isn't my Peach a sweetie!! I was typing and she climbed on the back of my chair and I had my camera handy. My girls keep me going! Literally :) I love them so much! Look at that smile...it melts me! She was saying "CHEESE"!!!

As you can see I am looking more and more like an Alien. Maybe I could make some money as a movie extra in a horror flick! My eyebrows and lashes are almost gone. I am pale (except for those freckles) and I have little life left in my face...thank goodness for my permanent lip color otherwise I'd look dead.

I have a lady from church coming to pick the girls up around 2:00 so I can hopefully sleep. I'm not sure I can make it until then. I am proud to say the girls are dressed, their hair is done and I actually got the dishes done!! I wish I could offer more...I have so little to give. I have a lot planned when this chemo stuff is done! I will conquer the world and never take my health for granted again! NEVER!

My Dammit Doll

I just had to share the cutest gift I received yesterday from my good friend Deon. Deon is also a breast cancer survivor and has been done with chemo for 6 weeks now. She made this "Dammit Doll" for me with the following card attached:

"When you want to throw the phone or kick the dog and shout...Here's a little Dammit Doll you can not live without! Just grasp it firmly by the legs and find a place to slam it! And when you wack it's stuffing out...yell Dammit, Dammit, Dammit!"

Notice the little band-aid over the breast...isn't that adorable!!

People have been so thoughtful and good to me! I am very lucky to have such wonderful people in my life!

I had my second to last treatment yesterday! I am starting to feel the effects! I just keep reminding my self it's almost over...I can do it! My sister has the girls again today...it feels so nice to relax and not have to worry about them...thank you Lynne! I am blessed...very, very blessed!

My Recount of Diagnosis Day

I wanted to write about the day I found out I had Breast Cancer. Like I mentioned in my first entry it was May 25, 2005 around 1:oo pm. I was at home and my surgeon Judy Jones called my house. She told me she had the results of my lab work. I was sitting at my kitchen table… a scene I will never forget. Her office had called me earlier that day to ask when I would be at home. They had told me Dr. Jones wanted to talk to me and asked when she could call. I asked the receptionist if that meant bad news…which she of course told me she didn’t know.

Dr. Jones called and asked if I were driving and told me to sit down. I asked her immediately if it was bad news. She told me it was very bad…that it was cancer. I asked her if it was breast cancer, and she replied “oh yes and it’s bad”. I felt like the blood had drained from my head to my toes and I ran cold. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I asked her what that meant for me and she said you will probably have to have chemotherapy, radiation, and most likely a mastectomy. I was writing this down and I kept looking at those words in horror…Chemo? Radiation? Mastectomy? Right then my baby started crying and her pager went off. She told me she would call me right back. That’s when I started crying. I went back into the kitchen and doubled over to my knees by the kitchen counter. I couldn’t control my emotions. My little girls were there and they started crying because I was. I felt so bad, but I couldn’t stop. I just held them and we all cried.

The phone rang again and it was Dr. Jones calling me back. I still couldn’t stop crying. She said “I know this is a shock…it was to me too. I just didn’t think it was cancer, I am so sorry”. She told me I needed to get into an Oncologist by Friday and start treatment immediately. Apparently the tumor that was removed was aggressive and large. She asked me if there was a preference of what Oncologist I would want to go to…I didn’t even know what an oncologist was! She said she would have her office call and make an appointment and call me back. She gave me the names of two doctors in town and I picked Dr. Shull…I am so glad I did!

Next I called my husband and managed to get out the words…”it’s breast cancer”. Luckily he was working in town. He said he would be right home and hung up. Next I tried calling my Mom and Dad. They didn’t answer. I left a crying message to call me back as soon as possible. They called back very shortly and my Mom had just seen my name on caller ID and not heard my message. I said “Mom, its breast cancer”. I will never forget her response. It sounded like I had kicked the wind out of her. She let out this painful gasp of air and said “Oh Dana No”. I cried as I tried to explain what the doctor had told me but I could barely get the words out…let alone the words “breast cancer”. What scary words. I was hysterical and as usual, even though she was in shock and pain, she calmed me down and helped me get a hold of myself, only the way my Mom can do. We talked a while and she told me she would tell my Dad and call me back later. My Mom said to me “ I wish I could take this from you”. I remember telling her now that I was a mother, hopefully I was the one taking it for my girls…I know my Mom would have taken it from me if she could.

Next I called my sister Lynne who lives fifteen minutes way. I told her it was cancer, her reaction was “Oh no you’re kidding me”. She asked if I wanted her to come down…I told her I did. I needed to talk to people and I needed loved ones around me. Next I called my friend Becky and told her. I asked if her and Alan could come over and Alan could help Brent give me a blessing. She was very matter of fact and calm, but she came over and offered comfort and told me I would be okay. Alan and Brent gave me a blessing, which was of great comfort.

When Brent came home he just hugged me and asked if I was okay. I know he was in shock and I can’t remember if he cried. Dr. Jones’s office called back and said I could get into the Oncologist in the next hour at 3:00 pm. I needed to go…I needed answers…I needed to know. I took the appointment and Lynne took the kids.

We went to Dr. Shulls’s office that afternoon. I was scared to death. I remember the office staff was so nice and friendly. The nurse Patsy took my vital signs and set me in a waiting room to see the doctor. He came right in. He was young, friendly and direct. I was relieved.

Dr. Shull began going over my pathology report with us. I know I didn’t understand most of it, but it sounded very scary and hopeless. I had a tumor the size of an orange…off the scale. Tumors are measured on a scale of 1-5 in terms of centimeters….mine was a 10. On a scale of 1-9 in terms of aggressiveness, mine was a 9. The tumor had gone to my lymph system, and was not estrogen sensitive. The odds seemed against me.

I kept thinking “they have the wrong person…they kept telling me this was nothing…now it’s cancer!” It was a surreal moment and my mind felt muddled. I was crying uncontrollably. Dr. Shull was very reassuring that he would do everything he could. He stated “I want you to die an old lady of something else.” What a cool way to put it. I instantly trusted him.

Next Dr. Shull told me I would probably not be able to have more children because chemotherapy usually causes young women to go into early menopause. I was devastated and began crying again. That news was almost harder to hear than being told I had cancer. We had always felt there was one more child that belonged in our family.

This year we had gone back and forth about getting pregnant again…it just didn’t feel right. When we planned our two girls we KNEW instinctively when to get pregnant. We had not felt that same feeling this year and went back and forth, now we know why. Can you imagine finding out you had cancer while being pregnant. I feel this part of my life is truly in the Lord’s hands. If we never have more children I feel SO VERY BLESSED to have the three girls I do. I have a beautiful stepdaughter, and two girls of my own. I will never regret what I have!!

After the doctor went over all the reports he set up additional tests he wanted to have done at the hospital. It was Memorial Day weekend and we were to meet with him again on Tuesday to go over the test results.

We left Dr. Shull’s office and I knew I needed to make more phone calls and inform people of my “news.” I remember thinking… “Should I tell people, maybe they have the wrong person”. Then I would think “No, I saw my name on the report and he told me I had cancer.” I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it. I called my boss, who is a great guy. I told him I had breast cancer and then burst into tears once again. I told him I would need to take some time off. Of course he was gracious and told me not to worry about a thing. He told me I could do what ever I felt needed to be done and he would support me all the way. I was relieved.

I decided to call my sister Leigh next with the news. She was very upset and started crying hysterically. I knew she was under considerable stress at the time, but it scared me because it made it real that I had cancer. I felt overwhelmed and frightened. When she calmed down and absorbed the news she offered comfort. She also offered anything I needed and was very caring. Next, I left a message for my best friend April to call me back. She called back while I was gone so my husband told her about the diagnosis. I talked with her later that night and we cried and cried. She said she wanted to take it for me and would do anything I needed. What a friend. I felt love and support from the people whom I cared about the most.

When I got home that night after a long, excruciatingly, and mentally draining day I had several messages on my machine of well-wishers and people wanting to know what was going on. I spent the rest of the night calling people I felt needed to know. I called my visiting teacher Kristy from church and told her the news. We are in the Relief Society Presidency together. She was in shock like the rest. She wanted to know what she could do. I went over the story about what had happened and I got calmer every time I told it. I was starting to be able to use the word breast cancer, and I got a little less weepy and calmer each time I recounted the information. I called my Relief Society President. She was so helpful and offered service like the rest. I continued to call people from the ward I felt needed to know, each one offered prayers and service. They offered anything I might need.

By the end of the night I was drained to my very core. I couldn’t make one more call. I decided to email a few friends I felt deserved to know, but that I hadn’t talked to in a while. I emailed several people as tactfully as I could and broke the news. Again, the response was tremendous and supportive from the amazing people in my life. I received calls, emails, and cards. I was overwhelmed by the support I was receiving…I truly didn’t think people would care as much as they did. I felt waves of peace and gratitude.

That night although I was completely drained and could no longer cry…Yet, I could not sleep. I spent the night praying like I have never prayed. I truly felt a peace that everything would be okay. I knew in my heart why I was experiencing this trial and I became aware of some of the lessons I was to learn. I recalled a prayer I had offered a couple of weeks earlier that I could overcome some of my shortcomings and that I would be shown my weaknesses. I told the Lord I would do what it takes to change them…little did I know it would take something like cancer to change those things I promised to change. I still vow to change them and pray I can learn what I need to. I believe with all my heart all things happen for a purpose. Another woman cancer survivor sent me a card and in it she wrote…”the Lord does not send us to earth to fail, he sends us to overcome trials and learn lessons, and find great happiness”. That I believe to be true.

Through out the week I continued to receive calls from people. We received goodies on our doorstep, meals, cards, gifts…but most of all people offering prayers and putting our names on the temple prayer roll. That meant the very most. I felt that was one thing I couldn’t do alone. I needed the prayers from good, faithful people in my behalf…what peace and comfort that brought and continues to bring. The ward offered a fast in my name, which was very humbling. I felt so grateful, so loved, so supported through what I knew would be one of the most difficult times in my life. I felt people circle around me…I can’t describe what that felt like and continues to feel like. I am blessed.

I emailed a dear friend of mine Shelley to call me when she got a chance. I didn’t have her current cell phone number. She called early the next morning and wanted to know what was wrong. She sensed something wasn’t right. I told her about the cancer and she said, “I’ll be right up and hung up”…a three hour drive to my house. And she did, she arrived three hours later and offered her love and support. Again…I felt blessed.

Over the next couple days I had several scans done, including a CT scan, heart Doppler, and PET scan. Dr. Shull also wanted to do a bone scan since I had just started having pain in my lower back. Waiting for that test was probably the most anxiety provoking. If the cancer had spread to my bones I felt that my prognosis would be even worse. The radiologist read the scan and immediately told us he didn’t see a problem…what a huge relief! Once again, I was very blessed to have Shelley and Lynne there to help watch my girls while I was at the hospital and doctors’ offices.

That weekend we went to my parents 50th Wedding Anniversary in Utah, 3 hours from home. I was worried about my news overshadowing this exciting event. The party went beautifully and it felt great to be around loved ones and friends. I was so proud of my parents and their accomplishment of staying married for 50 years and showing us such an amazing example of love and dedication. Again, I felt encircled by people who wanted the best for me. I have learned we truly are all connected together. I can now see the importance of eternal families. How grateful I am for that knowledge. As a family we were able to all attend the temple together. I felt the Holy Spirit so strong and the prayer circle brought greater meaning than ever before….mostly knowing my name was on that roll and those faithful people were praying in my behalf. Tears streamed down my face….tears of gratitude.

Spending time with my family was so refreshing and comforting. We were able to laugh and cry…and even make jokes. I wanted people to be at ease and not feel uncomfortable around me. Laughing is what I know to do…so laughing is what we did. We had a great weekend. I felt rejuvenated enough to go back to the doctor on Tuesday and face the music. I have a wonderful family, wonderful parents, darling nieces and nephews, amazing friends.

When we came home and went back to Dr. Shulls office for test results. The PET scan showed a 4 cm tumor left in my breast, but it was undetermined if it was cancer or scar tissue from the lumpectomy. I also had another 1 cm tumor in my first lympnoid. The Doppler of my heart showed it was strong. And like I said before the bone scan was clear. We set up a treatment plan and decided to start me on chemo in two days. I would receive Adramyican and Cytocin for four rounds, then I would be switched to Taxol for four more treatments.

So here I am. I have one more treatment in two weeks. I had one today…I am almost done!! I have never been so glad for summer to be over in my life. I am especially grateful it is cooling off and the heat is subsiding. Even though I have cancer, I have learned a million lessons in such a short period of time. I heard a saying I may have written before, but it really says it all. It goes, “Through adversity you can either become bitter or better”…I will choose to become BETTER.

Good News!!

I got great news today! I had the genetic testing done for the BRCA 1 and BRCA 2 genes....and I was negative! The test took a month to process, what a long wait! The recommendations for positive results would have been a double radical mastectomy and radical hysterectomy to remove the ovaries. The breast cancer genes help determine ovarian cancer as well. I was so relieved! The doctor told me the news and I started crying and hugged him. That is one worry off my mind... and that also means the chances my daughters will struggle with breast cancer is lower now too.

Prayer really does work! I am grateful for some good news! What a relief! I only have two more chemo treatments, then surgery. They will determine if I will need another lumpectomy or a mastectomy then.

New Title: Journey through Hell...

I have decided I should rename my blog from 'Journey through Breast Cancer' to 'My Journey through Hell'. That's certainly how I have felt the past few days. This treatment has been so rough, I literally wanted to die. I started getting hot flashes again Monday afternoon and couldn't get comfortable. One minute I would be drenched with sweat, the next I would be freezing, kind of like the flu. I wasn't in too much pain and thought I had lucked out this treatment.... boy was I wrong. I woke up at 2 am throwing up and spiking a temp just like a month ago when I went into the hospital. I couldn't keep anything down, not even water. I was so absolutely miserable! I was in SO much pain I couldn't move my body. My legs felt like they had been broken and I had stabbing pain all over my body. I couldn't keep any anti-nausea medications down, so that meant no pain meds would stay down either.

My husband called the Oncologist office early and they told him to bring me up. I was so mad, first, because I could barely walk and the thought of getting dressed wore me out. Second, I was afraid I would be admitted to the hospital again. He finally got me to agree to go and took me up there. They got me in a bed, put in an I.V. and gave me pain medication and anti-nausea meds. I felt much better after being re-hydrated...the morphine didn't hurt either :)

The staff there is excellent and so nice! I love Snake River Oncology as much as you can like a place like that! Dr. Shull is awesome! Not to mention my bill will hopefully be a lot less that the $5000 hospital bill I just received from last month!! The receptionist also made a kind comment to me. She said she has worked in the medical field for 15 years and she has never met a husband that is as supportive and caring as mine. Her and another lady in the office went on about how kind and caring Brent is. I felt so grateful again for such a great husband. He has been my rock. He has been there for me every step of the way and he still manages to find time to work full-time and still be a great Dad to his girls. I love you Brent!

My sister Lynne came over that morning and took my kids for a couple of days. It was such a relief to know she had them and they were being taken care of, and I didn't have to worry. I knew I couldn't do it. As a mother...that is the worst feeling knowing you can't care for you children. It's a mixture of guilt, frustration, and sorrow...even humiliation. I am grateful for those who help us in our time of need. Words can't express my gratitude.

Today, I have relaxed and rested. My sister still has the girls. When I talked to them they told me they wanted to stay and play at Aunt Lynnie's. Maybe it's because she lets them eat ice cream and chocolate for lunch...or that they know they are loved. Either one I am relieved.

I have been writing about my experience of being told of my diagnosis and having to tell others. I will try and post it soon. I am also still waiting to hear back on my genetic testing. I have been very concerned about the results because of the indications it would have on my surgery... which is coming up. If I have both the BRCA1 and BRCA2 genes that means a double radical mastectomy at age 32, plus removal of my ovaries. It's a lot to consider. But, for now only two more chemo treatments!! Yeah!!!

Roller Coasters and Wedding Dresses

I feel like I'm on a roller coaster...one of those old rickety ones that shake as you're going up the big hills that you fear might breakdown in the middle of the ride. One minute I am feeling better emotionally and physically. The next I'm screaming going down a huge hill on the roller coaster. I have been so weepy this weekend. I don't know whether to blame it on the chemo, the medications, hormones, depression. I layed in bed last night and cried myself to sleep worrying. I don't trust my emotions, my instinct, or what others think will happen to me. For so long everyone was telling me "it's not cancer". Then it turned out to be cancer, now everyone is telling me..."don't worry, you're going to live through this". What do I believe? I feel scared and hopeless at times. I try and keep a positive attitude, but it's hard when I feel like I'm facing my mortality, and I'm not ready. I feel alone and isolated like no one understands what I'm feeling...not just the physical pains, but the emotional ones.

I worry about my children the most. Will I be there to see them go to kindergarten? Prom? Graduation? College? Marriage? Will I be there to help them make big life decisions? Will I be there to teach them what they need to know to make it in this life? Will I be here to help them pick out their prom dresses...wedding dresses? I'm scared, I want to be here.

The stress is getting to both my husband and I. He tries not to show it, but I know. Trust me I know. Figuring out how to pay all the medical bills and living paycheck to paycheck is enough to slam down anyone. Just getting to the day to day things are a burden. I try to have faith, but I'm worried and falling short. My husband tries to reassure me...but he doesn't know what's going to happen, nobody knows....no one but the Lord. I guess I need to have faith and give the rest to him...there's nothing more I can do.

A Better Day

I wanted to write because today was a much better day than yesterday! My sister-in-law came over today and we got the kids lunch and took them to the river for a picnic and to feed the geese. It felt SO good to get out of the house and watch the girls run and play. I felt a million times better today...I actually felt a live and well. It's amazing to me that one day I can feel like I'm on the brink of death and the next I felt alive, I feel "good".

I loved watching my beautiful girls feed the geese. My two year old would scream with excitment everytime one ate her bread. My four year old was off trying to feed a squirl. It wasn't too hot and the day was beautiful. I felt fulfilled as a mother watching my girls have fun, get fresh air, and excercise. They are my reason to live and and get well. Tonight after my husband got home we took them to the park. They played hard and we enjoyed watching and playing with them. It was a good day. Anytime I feel good enough to go out is a good day.

People are kind. They watch me, they either smile kindly or hurry and look away. I don't wear a wig....I hate the thing. I mostly wear scarves or hats or turban type hearwear. I feel more comfortable that way. The wig feels like a tight pair of jeans on my head and gives me a roaring headache! It's hot and itchy and I feel like it looks "fake". I have gotten used to just wearing a hat. It's been interesting watching other's reactions to me. I almost don't even notice anymore. I'm a pretty self-assured person so it really hasn't bothered me, it has just taught me a good life lesson on how to treat others who are different.

Another thing I wanted to mention was my photostream on Flickr. I finally got some pictures up if anyone is interested. They are on a group called "Too Sexy for my Hair". It's a great site for people who have cancer. The link is: http://flickr.com/photos/51176089@N00/
I want to hear your comments!

I must go to bed! Goodnight!

Wishing it were September!

Today...like the last few have been incredibly boring and frustrating. My kids are crawling up the walls and so am I. Church arranged for people to take the kids for a few hours a day. Today, no one showed and we all could have used a break. They are as irritable as I feel. Or maybe that's the other way around. I feel so guilty that I can't take them places like I used to like swimming or to the park. I feel like I can hardly function. Just keeping them fed and dressed is a miracle some days. I try to always make sure they are bathed and their hair is done. I fear people will think "Oh, poor kids...their Mom has cancer...she just can't take care of them". Just writing that makes me want to cry.

My four year old knows I can't chase her to make her do what is asked...and she is getting more and more whinny and defiant. I don't know what to do...I could use a visit from the "Super Nanny". Some days I just feel helpless...worthless. I want to fight this ugly disease so I can raise my children...in the mean time raising them is harder than ever. I do love those little stinkers more than life it's self.

I feel like my patience is running thin and my sense of humor is drying out. Only three more treatments...

Taxol

I just started a new chemo drug called Taxol on Thursday. I don't feel as sick to my stomach like I did on the A/C but I feel so much more tired and achy. I keep getting little stabbing pains in my extremities and my hands and feet are killing me. The day after treatment, I could barely walk. I have this rash that runs on the inside of my arms and my face. I am SOO tired I can't even describe it. I slept for the past two days. Thank good my niece and husband have been home to take care of the kids. I feel helpless at times. My mind is willing...but my body won't follow!

I got this killer package from a woman in California that administrates the website on Flikr called "I'm too sexy for my Hair". Her name is Lori Miller and she is a cancer survivor as well. She is so inspiring. She sent me some Burt's Bees stuff for hands and feet, some awesome slippers, and a personalized Voodoo Doll. It was so totally great! I could tell she has been through this treatment just by the package. The lotions helped so much with the sensitive skin and the slippers with the sores on my feet. Oh great wisdom of those who have passed before me!

My sister's family came by tonight to pick up my niece that stayed with us this week. We had a great time catching up and laughing. I just need to laugh sometimes about this crazy situation...or I would explode! We had a good time. It was so helpful to have McKenna help with the girls. I hope she wasn't bored out of her mind. Anyway, we appreciated her willingness to serve our family!

I need to get, yet, some more sleep...I have no control. When it hits, I go lay down. My body quits functioning whether I like it or not. So, off I go to bed! Goodnight!

A Trip to the ER

This week-end didn't turn out like it was suppose to...that's for sure! We went to Utah because we were going to take the girl's to Lagoon, paid by Brent's firm. I was just going to relax at my sister's and not do a thing. We got there Friday night and I started getting hot flashes and then cold chills. I woke up about 2 am throwing up and couldn't stop. My temp went up to 102...which is a "no no" when you're on chemo so we called the on-call doctor. They told me to go to the ER because of the low white count thing. I was so sick I can hardly describe it. I was so weak I could barely get up the stairs to get to the car. My legs were almost totally numb. On the way to the hospital I did a lot of praying, I was so sick and uncomfortable. When we got there, the nurses were less than helpful, let alone compassionate! I was disheartened to be treated so poorly when I was so sick and vulnerable. What a helpless feeling. We stayed in the ER from 7:30 am to around 4 pm...that makes for a very long day. They gave me nausea medication and antibiotics because my blood count was so low. I was so uncomfortable and "knocked out" from all the drugs and throwing up. I was humiliated because I was wheeled around the hospital with the little robe on and just my bald head. I couldn't get my body to move and I felt utter frustration. I made a vow to my Heavenly Father that I would take better care of my body and get my health back. Mostly that means I will lose this weight and care for my body the way it deserves to be treated. I felt like an 80 year old woman. I can not continue to abuse my body and think it won't affect me because "I'm young". I put garbage into it daily and expect it to function well, let alone fight cancer!! I FINALLY GOT IT!! You get back what you put it! I saw and felt it first hand this week-end. I vow today things change! They admitted me overnight to watch for infection. I slept most of the time...I was so tired and wrung-out! Brent was amazing. He was right by my side helping me every inch of the way! He was attentive and caring. I am so blessed to have such a supportive and caring husband! My best friend April and Matt came to visit and Matt helped Brent administer...what a great comfort. My sister Leigh took the kids to Lagoon and my other sister took my youngest overnight. It was so helpful and comforting to know they were being taken care of and at least got to have some fun.

I got out of the hospital Sunday afternoon. I still felt pretty weak so I slept most of the day. By today thought I felt almost "normal". I even felt good enough to help my sister with an organization project. It still wasn't the week-end we had planned, but it was good to be able to spend some time with family!

Another Day

Just another hot, boring day. I haven't felt too great today...mostly tired and worn down to the core. Thank goodness for my step-daughter who has been so helpful today with her little sisters. I have been taking steroids for the fatigue and nausea...but man they make me feisty! Ask my husband. I feel like I have no control over my body and its functions. I want to eat crappy, then I feel crappy, and I have no energy to exercise. My body doesn't do what my mind wants it to. On thing I desire to get out of this "cancer experience" is to truly, truly learn control over my body and its passions and desires. Things that should be simple like taking better and more consistent care of my body and emotions. Eating better, exercising, taking time for me...all those things that have slowly been put by the way side.

I was able to take my parents to the Oncologist's office today and meet the staff and the doctor. My Dad seemed a little apprehensive about seeing where his daughter is being treated for cancer. But he came along. I think it was helpful for my Mom to see what was happening to me, since she can't always be here. It was sad to see them go today. They have brought me great comfort...by just being here. I have loved watching them with my children and see their little relationships blossom.

My little two years old is really growing up and changing and watching her has brought me great joy this summer. I am very blessed to have three beautiful girl’s! I hope they know how much I love them. Paige gives me the biggest kisses and says “Love you Mommy”…enough to melt me! I must beat this disease!! I get scared that I won't, but I have got to...if not for me....for them!!

Roses

Today was a special day. A young girl (eleven years old) from our church decided she wanted to do something to help me out since I have cancer. She decided to do a fundraiser on my behalf by doing a little daycare where parents could come and drop off there kids for two hours and she had activities set up for them to do. The parents paid their kids to be watched and she donated that money to us for medical bills. Today they brought over a bouquet of roses in a vase with all the money tied around in it. It was adorable!! She had raised a $130.00!! Can you believe that!!??

It was so touching to see such a young girl looking for ways to help others and I was deeply touched and impressed that she would do that for me and my family. I got emotional...I still can't believe how amazing and supportive people have been! I hope she realized what a good thing she did and I hope she realized she made a difference, not just with money, but by restoring faith that people are good and so are the youth! She made a difference in my life!

I feel very blessed and grateful for good people. I hope one day I can return the favor to those around me. I have learned so much about people and their goodness. Even through this crisis I have witnessed such compassion and love from people I hardly know. I hope to become one of those people.

It has been so nice to have my parents here this week. It is comforting to have my Mom just to talk to and just be myself. We were able to get out for an hour and shop a little today, felt nice to be among the living. We went out to dinner and rented a funny movie...it lifted my spirit. It is also so rewarding to watch my children interact with Grandma and Grandpa. I have worried with them living out of state that they wouldn't get to know their amazing Grandparents. To watch them is so rewarding. Paige learned a new trick on the swing set and Addie learned to go down the slide backwards! They were so proud of themselves...and so was I!

Tonight, I am tired and I feel the poison pulse through my veins...a sensation I can't really describe. It wears me out. Nothing physically brings me pleasure...not food, sleep, nothing. I guess that is where my perspectives have changed. True happiness and peace is not physical it's emotional and spiritual...it really is. It's too bad it had to take cancer for me to see that...but I am grateful I see it now. I believe if I don't "get this" now...I won't get it. I am trying.